I posted on reddit too but more details here.

Had to put Cannoli, 14+, to sleep early today. For better or worse, I’ve never had to make this decision before. Had many strong reasons why after a tough day but he showed such strength in his last moments that I deeply feel that I murdered him. Almost bailed at the emergency vet even with catheter in him since he got up and cleaned his face (he hadn’t been able to without falling all day) and then licked my hand. 7yrs ago was the only other time he’s even licked my hand, which told me he was strong enough to go through major surgery despite being told to put him down. This time it’s like him telling me he’s strong enough to go on but instead, I ignored him…

I am so confused what happened. Shit happens, I know. A week ago he was so strong and actually periscoped, which he hadn’t done in at least a year. He seemed stronger than even before crisis happened. I fully expected him to live another year. I phoned the vet again asking if there’s other drugs to try for breathing and to get some refills. Was told we should not stop any of his medication so restarted enrofloxacin, which actually ran out a month prior. After he restarted, he rapidly declined. He got poopy butt and gradually stopped eating. This happened when crisis hit 2.5 months ago, but he always ate his herbs and he slowly recovered with various recovery foods. This time, he immediately seemed to stop having good control of his back legs often with backside falling to one side or other and though he still ran well, he was now running into walls like being unable to control/tune those back legs. When he stood on all fours, he’d start leaning forward and sometimes completely faceplant. Maybe his stuffed up nose messed with his equilibrium.

Yesterday, he barely touched his veggies and didn’t touch anything else, with no poo or pee. I cracked opened an Appetite Restore (never used it before) and he drank it like crazy so I was hopeful but he never ate. He stumbled and fell onto his back (and froze) a few times, stuck his head up, had a few choking/gasping for air incidences (one of which he crane his head almost all the way back?!), and fell off a countertop (I’m so f’in stupid. Didn’t think about his falling/rolling. Surprising after I righted him, he seemed back to “normal”). He actually has an appointment tomorrow but I just didn’t think he’d make it with the choking/gasping.

Very strange: despite the two young buns bullying Cannoli and not care, I brought them along. Cannoli was not in the carrier as he seemed to have issue breathing getting a good position inside with them. They were being their normal crazy selves digging, jostling, etc in the carrier without a care. I tried to make them talk to Cannoli, kiss him goodbye, but they just ignored him. When he passed outside carrier, they became dead silent with a couple thumps like they knew, more than just the breathing noise disappeared… They remained quiet the entire ride back home.