When nothing goes as expected . . . grief, surreality, and a “new normal”

[BunnymomKS]

Kind of a long story. In December of 2012 I posted this thread about my Palomino boy Shamrock’s cancer diagnosis. The diagnosis was made based on blood counts.

https://binkybunny.com/FORUM/tabid/54/aft/122897/Default.aspx

Well, Shamrock is still alive today; his issue turned out to be fleas, we treated them, and he has bounced back. That’s a happy thing. 

Meanwhile, his lady Miss Frosty seemed to be doing well – her respiratory problem from a gas leak seemed to be healing, episodes of choking becoming less severe and further betweeen.

It was a long winter, and I won’t go into all the dumb stressful things of the end of 2013, and trying to get 2014 off to a start while sick and cat-sitting and one of the cats disappeared and later turned up dead – nothing I did wrong but so sad.

Fast-forward to the beginning of March. Major winter blast again, a big church event in the midst of it all – and did I miss beginning symptoms of Miss Frosty’s stasis/bloat? I’ll never know. She died on March 4, Mardi Gras, after a vet visit that I thought was the beginning of hope. Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent we buried her.

Now Shamrock has a new buddy, Hamish, the boy that looked so much like him and whom I’d envisioned as his successor and Miss Frosty’s new boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Shammie is still around! And Hamish is a sweetie. It’s just that I’d hoped the three of them could have some playdates, especially with Shamrock feeling better. Well, I’m blessed to have the two boys. Yet I miss Frosty so much, she was so beautiful and full of personality – and I felt so helpless, then guilty, during her final illness and her passing. And worried at first that those emotions would interfere in my bonding with Hamish, but that silly boy has me wrapped around his paw so that’s not a big worry anymore.

I’ve prayed and cried (probably not enough – when it’s meant to happen it will) – I hope I’m not just being maudlin about all this.

Can anyone say “emotional rollercoaster”?

[BunnyLady1989]

I can understand what you are going through. Grief can impact you in such a powerful way. I’m going through the most heart-wrenching trial I will ever endure. I found that the only thing that will help or ease things is love and faith. And it sounds like you have both. My family tells me things will get better and every day will get better. Sometimes even that is unfathomable. But love and faith keep us strong when we feel we are at our weakest. At my point of the deepest pain, my Lulu would know and lay her head on my knee and give kisses. It’s such a great thing to know that are fur babies are here to comfort us, even when they are sad themselves.

[BunnymomKS]

Thanks, BunnyLady1989. I sat down tonight and typed a list of everything that was going on in the days leading up to her death – with a major winter storm and things that were so distracting – even if I missed something and feel guilty about it, at least the sequence of events is less of a blur. It’s made me even more aware, and I try to be an aware bunnymom. I want to do like NASA does when they send a mission into space – whether it’s people aboard or even just expensive equipment, they have multiple redundancies and backups.

Frosty used a water bottle and I would hear it clicking – she drank quite a bit of water – I would enjoy listening to her drink out of her “Clickety Lickety” as I called it – and now I’m wondering – was the spigot stuck? At a subconscious level I must’ve noticed the Clickety Lickety wasn’t going . . . or did Frosty herself not want to drink? If it had been the spigot, and she wasn’t able to say “Hey, Mommy, I can’t get any water out of this thing” – it was only after she was already sick that I noticed the bottle still nearly full. The sequence as I said is still not entirely clear. But if it had by some chance been a matter of a stuck spigot, and I had it to do all over again, she would have two bottles. That’s what I mean about the multiple redundant backups.

[BunnyLady1989]

I’ve learned that you can’t keep going back to what ifs and reanalyzing mistakes. As far as the water bottle issue, maybe from now on you could try just a small bowl of water? Many I think prefer bowls to bottles, in my opinion.
Just remember you still gave your girl a wonderful loving home and life. And you have many ears who will listen here when you need to vent

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