What do you do when nothing you do matters?

[LBJ10]

I’m just feeling a bit down right now. I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. I’m not meaning to sound needy or anything, but it would be nice if people would be proud of my accomplishments and at least pretend that they are interested in what I am doing. My parents, my brother, my husband, my in-laws.. you name it. Is it wrong of me to look for other people’s approval? As I type this out, it almost seems silly. Yet something deep down just makes me really sad because it’s like my accomplishments mean nothing to the people who I value the most. I am a first generation college graduate. No one in my family would have ever dreamed of going to college, let alone graduate school (where I am now). I had to fight hard, with no help from my parents. I have acquired a lot of debt to get to this point. And for what? I’ve gotten myself so depressed by asking that question over and over again. It’s awful now because I am sort of a crossroads and I am not sure where I want to go with things. I ask my family and my husband for advice, but I get nothing from them. Why?

Sorry, I don’t mean to freak anyone out. I just needed to post this somewhere.

[LittlePuffyTail]

Awe…I think everyone gets that feeling sometimes… You should live your life the way YOU want it and not care so much what people think.

Might not seem like much but we all appreciate you here at BB!!

 

[Beka27]

I understand how you feel, pretty much exactly because I’m in a similar place.

I come from a long line of blue collar workers, laborers, food service, customer service, etc… all professions that do not require college. I am also a “first-gen” college grad and I am entering the healthcare/dental field. I know they are proud of me, but I don’t feel it sometimes.

I have to wonder if it isn’t a little bit of sadness that they (maybe) didn’t have the opportunity to do the same things, or maybe guilt that because of their professions, they were not able to help you more financially. I am sure they are very proud of you, sometimes people, parents especially, just have a weird way of showing it.

I would be happy to talk with you more if you want, feel free to email me anytime. Hugs…

[Sarita]

Hugs to you.

Not in your family’s defense, but I think sometimes people have a hard time expressing how they feel and how proud they are of their loved ones. I think they feel awkward and uncomfortable. As for advice, they may not feel they have the right advice to give you. I know that’s not comforting and what you want to hear, but I wonder if that’s what it is with them.

[Elrohwen]

I agree with with what Sarita and Beka said. Sometimes parents just don’t know how to show it, especially if it’s not something they’ve been through. They probably have no idea what advice to give you since they’ve never experienced it.

My dad’s side of the family isn’t big on college – they had a good business (welding) and didn’t find it that important to go to college. When I got into a great school for engineering, my grandma was proud, but never made a big deal about it or brought it up – it just isn’t a big deal in that family or something they talk about.

On my mom’s side, my grandparents were factory workers, but they put a huge emphasis on education. I think the only reason they’re proud of me at all, since I’m a girl, is because of my education. Haha.

I guess my point is that every family deals with this issue completely differently and even in a family where education is valued they might value it for the wrong reasons (ie prestige and feeling superior to others). I’m sure they are very proud of you, but it’s hard for them to relate and so it’s harder for them to share your joy and difficulties, but I’m sure they’re trying. ((hugs))

[RabbitPam]

I hear you, and what you’re describing is (unfortunately) more common than you think.

So I want to recommend a book that’s been out for years. Don’t have to buy it, but here’s what it looks like (link below) in case you can find it at the library.

It’s called Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban Breathnach. What’s really good about it is that she has compiled a ton of sayings, advice, examples, quotes and info. from a huge variety of sources to apply to each day’s topic. It’s just very cool. When you wrote this I remembered a page that talked about just that: the people closest to you being the last to appreciate what you’ve accomplished.

So I just found that page, September 10th (no page numbers) and there it was. If you get your hands on a copy, read several pages before and after it, since she tends to deal with topics over the course of several days. You just won’t feel so alone.

Here’s a quote:

“Simply because you do it doesn’t mean the rest of the world will think it’s wonderful or even worthwhile. The sooner you realize that other people won’t necessarily bless or appreciate your efforts to follow your calling, the happier you’ll be. A lot of people – including your partner and children – might wonder aloud for years if you’re ever going to become sensible again. No, you’re not. So shrug off their skepticism with a smile and go back to mining your acre of diamonds. Eventually they’ll come around, either as cheerleaders or as astonished spectators….Remember, the prophetess is rarely recognized in her own household.”

Can you see why it popped to mind?

And on September 14th, she goes on to advice fishing out proof of your accomplishments and put them where you can see them. “I took some of my favorite memorabilia-my book covers, the announcement of my column-to the framers. [your diploma] When I hung them up…it was astounding, exhilarating, stupefying. Then I began to congratulate myself out loud for jobs well done…..Having the physical evidence of accomplishment has gone a long way toward making me feel successful. I’ve also had mementos of my husband’s political career framed and I honor [her daughter’s] accomplishments with her own gallery in the family’s public spaces.”

Kind of like that wall in the doctor’s office you have to stare at while waiting, the one with all the degrees. Put them up – Well Done!!!!

Here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Simple-Abundance-Day…ref=sr_1_1

[Beka27]

Elrohwen make a good point about families who have a strong academic background. In my husband’s family, higher education is “the norm”, so it also doesn’t get really “celebrated” because it’s what was expected would happen. And the few family members (like my husband and his brother) who did not go that route certainly don’t get commended for what they do for a living. Sometimes you have to “toot your own horn”…

[kralspace]

for LBJ: TOOT! TOOT!

[LBJ10]

Thanks everyone! I think maybe I would feel better if it actually seemed like I was going somewhere. I have hopes, dreams, ambitions, and all that stuff. But I feel trapped right now. I can’t do the things that I want to do because I have some limitations. There is stuff that is holding me back. I want to do something important with my life, but I feel like I’m never going to get the opportunity. So I suppose maybe that is why I am looking for validation in those around me. It just hurts when I feel excited about something and they aren’t even interested in hearing about it.

[Elrohwen]

We’re always interested in hearing about it! If you want to tell us what you went to school for and what you hope to do we’d be happy to listen 🙂

[jerseygirl]

I ask my family and my husband for advice, but I get nothing from them. Why?

Could it be that their not having had the same experience, they just don’t know how to relate to you on this? Perhaps even feel a bit intimidated by all you’ve accomplished?

I don’t know if you are finishing up in graduate school but transitional periods are very difficult. I recall falling into a rut when I finished training in the work I used to do. It was time to transition into working full time in the industry and not be the student anymore.
Perhaps it’s your peers you need to look to for advice this time?

[LBJ10]

Okay, I suppose I could do that.
Let’s see, I went to the local community college for several years taking 1 or 2 classes at a time. I couldn’t afford to pay for tuition at a large university and I didn’t qualify for financial aid (my parents made “too much” money). When I got married, everything changed. Anyway, long story short, I managed to go to a liberal arts college and I earned my bachelors there in biology (with a minor in environmental studies). Once I graduated, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get a decent job where I am. My husband is still working on his own degree and does not want to leave. So I went to grad school right away at the large state university. I am currently employed there as well, so I teach and I take my own classes at the same time. I am studying natural resources there and am doing quite well (4.0 GPA so far), but I feel like it isn’t a very good fit for me. Many of my peers have a utilitarian-type view of the natural world and I don’t. But I suppose that is besides the point. Right now I’m getting ready to work on my thesis. I am interested in wildlife and how people value wildlife. So my thesis it going to have a touch of social science to it.

[LBJ10]

jerseygirl – I realize that they might not fully understand how things work, but at the same time I crave their approval. I do have some fellow grad students that I can talk to, but if you read what I just wrote above you will see that I don’t really fit in very well. I am about half way through my masters. If I want to continue on to a PhD right away, then I will have to apply this coming fall. So that is why I am at a crossroads because there are things here that are holding me back. I feel I can’t do what I really want to do without leaving my husband and my life behind.

[cainan]

Posted By LBJ10 on 05/13/2011 12:56 PM
Okay, I suppose I could do that.
Let’s see, I went to the local community college for several years taking 1 or 2 classes at a time. I couldn’t afford to pay for tuition at a large university and I didn’t qualify for financial aid (my parents made “too much” money). When I got married, everything changed. Anyway, long story short, I managed to go to a liberal arts college and I earned my bachelors there in biology (with a minor in environmental studies). Once I graduated, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get a decent job where I am. My husband is still working on his own degree and does not want to leave. So I went to grad school right away at the large state university. I am currently employed there as well, so I teach and I take my own classes at the same time. I am studying natural resources there and am doing quite well (4.0 GPA so far), but I feel like it isn’t a very good fit for me. Many of my peers have a utilitarian-type view of the natural world and I don’t. But I suppose that is besides the point. Right now I’m getting ready to work on my thesis. I am interested in wildlife and how people value wildlife. So my thesis it going to have a touch of social science to it.

Married w/husband in school, bunnies at home, employed at a big university, AND taking classes with a 4.0 GPA?!  Dude!  The fact that you do that every day is an accomplishment in and of itself!  Your thesis sounds interesting – and what a wealth of information you could gather from the people on this board alone

I completely understand your feeling that no one cares about your accomplishments.  I could go into 36 years worth of pain about that (okay, so it only really got bad when I was like 16, so 20 years).  Although I -know- that my parents are proud of me and say so to friends, etc., they have a tendency to talk about the things that bug them “You’re moving AGAIN?!” to me.  It’s hard to KNOW but not to FEEL, you know?

Please PM me if you start feeling worse.  I’ve been down the dark dark road of “well, if no one cares, then why bother” and although I’m no expert, I’d hope that you realize that you’ve got someone out there who’s been there before who would be there to listen to you, talk to you, and help hold your hand to try to pull you out of that pit.

And as someone in the posts above said – WE care what’s going on.  And I’m sure the bunnies do too

addendum: this just shows I need to get on this board more – I’m five days late on this topic and I’m sorry that I didn’t read it sooner!!!!

[MarkBun]

I once had a nice debate about whether or not suicide should be legal (interesting note – suicide is NOT illegal – attempted suicide is though). One of my arguments was along the lines of “It’s not like I’m going to cure cancer nor work in a place that would.” The response to me was “But how do you won’t help the one that does? Maybe some obscure comment you make is overheard by said person which, in turn, gives them a new way of looking at a problem that then turns their research in the right direction?” It was the whole “Butterfly flaps its wings” effect and I have to say, it did shut me up for a bit.

I”m 44 years old, and I’m sure there are older people here too (but I won’t ask – one of the top 3 rules in the “What Never To Do” handbook for men). I know for myself that I get bouts of “What else is there?” but there always seems to be something new and interesting that pops up. Might take a year or longer for it to pop up but when it does, you are glad that you’re still around.

[LBJ10]

cainan – Don’t feel bad about being late. It was nice to log on today to find your post and it is nice to know that you know how I feel. I guess I do do a lot of stuff when you think about it. I do even more than what I have listed above (among other things, I participate in a mentoring program for high school students). Sometimes I feel guilty about this though. My husband says that I sound selfish. I suppose he’s right in a way. But I also think it is natural for a child to look to their parents for approval. It’s natural to want your parents to be proud of you. At some point though, you just have to do what you want to do (even if that is the only reason you do it). I completely understand the whole parents only voicing their opinions about the negatives thing. Conversations with my mom usually leave me angry with her because all she does in complain or criticize about one thing or another. Of course she is a drama queen and likes to stir the pot, if you know what I mean. It seems like she is only happy when there is conflict among those around her.

MarkBun – I’m a little confused by your post and I’m not really sure what you mean. Maybe I’m not reading it right.

[cainan]

And you mentor high school students?! Dude, you’re really selling yourself short! Think about the positive impact you’re having on those kids – some of whom may be in the same situation as you are. I always felt that yes, you should look for approval from your parents, but I’ve found through life that sometimes the “validation” can come from so many other outside sources – and how cool is that? Someone who barely knows you, who is telling you that you’ve impacted their lives. That’s why I always loved working with younger kids – they always think you’re the COOLEST PERSON EVER! LOL But then they start following me around and meh…

Mark – personal opinion here: attempted suicide not being legal is silly – at what point does a person no longer have control over their own lives/destinies/etc.? (note: I am not saying that one SHOULD take this route – just that I feel it’s a person’s right to) It’s like euthanasia – if I were gravely ill, knew I wasn’t going to ever recover, and was in horrendous pain and burdening my family with exorbitant medical costs…. why in the world wouldn’t I have the right to decide that I was done and wanted to be relieved of everything? Sure, butterfly effect and all – but it’s my right to chose whether or not I want to participate

Sorry if this has gone too controversial, folks!

[LBJ10]

Well, I don’t know how much of an impact I have had. But I do try. I look back on how hard it was for me to claw my way through school and I want to help young people who might find themselves facing a similar situation. I often feel that if this program would have existed when I was in high school, things might have been different for me. I totally understand what you’re talking about though. There have been a lot of people who have impacted my life that I have met only once. This is sort of funny, but Dave Foreman has been a huge inspiration to me. I met him once and he was the nicest person.

[cainan]

K, I admit I had to google him
The environmentalist? His wikipedia entry shows that he was an interesting guy – so wow, that’s neat! I met C Thomas Howell once on a movie set. He was a jerk

Glad that it looks like you’re doing better…. yeah?

[LBJ10]

You’re not the first person. LOL But yes, he’s the “radical” environmentalist. Great guy though and he has a very beautiful vision of connecting all the wild places of North America. He has written a book about it and he has a website. So C Thomas Howell is a jerk, eh? Hehe, I’ll have to remember that.

Yes, I’m feeling a little bit better. Just as long as I don’t think about the daunting task of actually doing my thesis. :p

[Huckleberry]

Wow, you are sooooo not alone in this. I have been feeling the exact same way!
Do your accomplishments mean something to you? That is the most important thing.

I think just getting out of college is insanely scary because you are now at a point where you have to prove that all that time and debt wasn’t just a big waste. Here is what I have worked out though… I work at Wal-Mart. Every day I go there, I die a little more inside. I then tell myself that this is why I am going to school… so that I don’t have to be stuck there forever. I may not get the dream job I always wanted, but at least with a degree I have a few more options.

Try hard though to cling to your goals and accomplishments and let them be valuable to you. There is nothing wrong with wanting approval from your loved ones but sadly sometimes it just doesn’t happen….
***HUGS***
And Huckleberry sends nose bumps

[LBJ10]

Huckleberry – Oh my gosh, I work retail too! I’m still working at a department store, I have for many years. I have just been working on the weekends recently (since I got my position at school), but I will be working more over the summer since I have to float until the fall semester starts. I had wanted to find an internship for the summer, but my internships usually end in disaster. Haha!

[jerseygirl]

LBJ, have you read any books or papers by Tim Flannery? He’s an Australian scientist. I’ve not met him but seen plenty interviews and he also seems a great guy with vision. So down to earth. http://www.timflannery.com.au/about-tim

Just briefly regarding Marks post above; were you confused by the mention of suicide? I read it as this was just happened to be the subject being discussed when a point was raised that gave pause for thought. That what we do in life, our role can effect others around us. So we may not be at the forefront of “great things” but that does not mean our role, whatever the capacity, is unimportant. It may seem small or even unrelated but in the bigger picture it is pivotal to how things play out. I guess if you want to look at it in a biological sense, it’s like an ecosystem. Many components interacting and effecting, changing one another. Least that’s what I took from it anyway.

[LBJ10]

Jerseygirl – No, I haven’t really heard of him. I read some stuff on him, he sounds like a pretty cool guy. I was interested in paleontology when I was a kid, so it’s pretty interesting to see someone who is a paleontologist become an environmentalist. I find it interesting that Wikipedia would call his theories “controversial” when it really is just part of the Blitzkrieg theory. But maybe it is because I went to a liberal arts college. Stuff like that was pretty common in class discussions. I’ll have to check him out more though, I think it’s neat to see the perspective of someone who is on the other side of the world.

As far as what MarkBun said goes, I understand what you’re saying. I think maybe I was just thrown off by the whole suicide part.

[Author]

Messages