The passing of Ansel

[Deleted User]

My sweet bunny Ansel passed on yesterday afternoon. I am heartbroken, but I want to share the story of his passing while I remember all the details, in case it might benefit someone else. 

Ansel was young, about a year old, and very healthy. About a week ago, his hay intake started decreasing. In retrospect, based on his prior good health and good eating, I should have taken him to the vet when I noticed this. A couple days ago, he jumped up to eat his morning veggies like usual, but then just took a seat next to them, and did not eat. I went to work, came back, to see he had still not eaten. In retrospect, I should have taken him to the vet as soon as I got home from work. I assumed he might be experiencing GI stasis, so I syringe fed him some critical care, and then went for a run. When I got back, his temperature was low, so I wrapped in a towel and heating pad and sat with him on my chest for a while. After a while, I looked down and saw some blood around his gums. From this point on, the next 24 hours were a pure nightmare. 

The blood coming from his mouth would not stop, and it just dribbled down the fur on his chin and neck. Because I didn’t take him to the vet immediately, my only option at this hour in the day was the 24 hour vet. They didn’t know what was going on either, and were not equipped to thoroughly check out his mouth, etc. as they were not rabbit specialists. I suspected maybe a molar spur gone really wrong, and knew I’d have to wait til the next morning to take him to the specialist, and pray he could make it that long. 

I stayed with him all night, keeping him warm and monitoring him. The blood loss was simply devastating. All night long, he bled. In the morning, I took him to the proper vet and he had to be put into the oxygen incubator immediately, as he was losing mobility rapidly, had uncontrollably urinated, visual signs I have sadly witnessed before in bunnies who are dying. 

The vet staff was simply amazing. They tried everything, including a homeopathic drug to stop the bleeding. If he had come around, they were going to try a blood transfusion with one of my other bunnies. I was able to visit him in the back. He was lying on his side, sprawled out in the incubator, blood caked around his mouth and neck, heavily panting. It was an extremely difficult sight to take in of this beautiful baby. I was able to touch him, tell him I loved him. I then went to the Farmer’s Market to pick up veggies for the buns. I had finished shopping and was walking down the street when a few waves of extreme lightheadedness hit me, like I was losing touch with my body. I suspected this was connected to Ansel. It was shortly after that I received the call that he had passed.

When the vet was able to open up his mouth after passing, she identified a small hole on the top of his tongue. She said it looked like a tooth mark, as if he had bitten his tongue with his incisor, and she called it a “freak accident.” I’m not sure when the bite happened, and perhaps I aggravated the wound through the syringe feeding. I had also been in the process of gradually bonding him with my two other bunnies, and I can’t help but feel guilt that I created the stress that led to this. Compound that with the guilt of not taking him to the vet sooner. While the guilt is staggering, it doesn’t compare to the magnitude of sadness that he can’t be his beautiful bunny self anymore. I can no longer see sweet Ansel, pet him, give him food, support, and love. And that he was only a year old. He was such a kind soul, curious and innocent, and had such beautiful markings. He was so healthy, a great eater and chewer of his apple twigs, and he deserved a long, sweet life. He was so young and with me for such a short period of time, that I didn’t even take very many pictures of him or video. Losing a rabbit is so difficult. One moment they are with you, beautiful, alive, attentive, and the next, there is just this void in your home of this beautiful energy.

I hope that by posting the details of this story here, I might help out a bunny in the future. I had frantically been googling “rabbit bleeding from the mouth” “bunny mouth bleeding” etc. the night it began, with no solid answers. One lesson from this experience: don’t wait until the symptoms are so bad and your regular vet is closed, that you have to resort to google. Another lesson: don’t assume illness, even with 10 years of experience as a bunny caretaker.

I haven’t been sleeping since this happened. It’s just tearing me apart. A combination of grief, disbelief, and guilt. The Dalia Lama says “Reflection on death calls for self-discipline and self-protection, not punishment.” I need to work on this. 

I pray that all of us who experience loss here might be reunited with our loved ones some day. I suspect that by meditating on impermanence more, we might have a more healthy relationship to death and a deeper understanding of what comes next, or at least, a deeper peace with not knowing. I sometimes turn to spiritual books to ask a question and randomly land a finger on a page. My question has been “Where is Ansel now? Is he okay?” What I landed on was “love” and the full sentence was “To love him is his happiness.”

I love you Ansel.

[tobyluv]

I’m sorry about the loss of your sweet Ansel.

[pinknfwuffy]

I’m am so sorry for your loss. It is incredibly difficult to wrap one’s mind around these kinds of situations and the grief that follows, but, know that it wasn’t your fault and Ansel was clearly well-loved and cared for while he was here. Just as the vet said, this was an accident. One that you and the professionals couldn’t have expected to know how to handle especially with it being such a rare injury. Your Dalai Lama quote is inspiring and so true–don’t punish yourself. Ansel is free from any suffering. The fact that you took the time to feed him, hold him, and stay up all night to keep him company is a testament of your dedication. All of that affection will have followed him on this journey.

You’re right, he is with love, thanks to all that you gave him.

[Wynnie]

So sorry to hear about all this, sounds just awful.
But thank you for sharing as this could really help someone else.
Forever in our hearts Ansel❤

[Tr33hu993r]

My deepest condolences. What a handsome boy Ansel. That Dali Lama quote was perfect and so beautiful. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.

[Emily]

Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to me. Still struggling quite a bit with this one.

[Author]

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