Sort of serious topic, but I could use some advice…(NBR)

[Kate Monster]

… and bunny people give the best, most reasonable advice  To start out, I will say, I’m looking for relationship advice, not a debate on God. So a few hours ago my 30 yr old boyfriend of 3+ years told me that he’s converting to a religion (I’ll leave out specific details, I know this is a controversial topic and I have no intention to start controversy!). The entire time I’ve known him we’ve both been non-religious. I’m just thrown by the out of the blue nature of all this, not to mention I think lots of people like to be romantically involved with someone they’re relatively like minded with on the subject of religion and I thought I was, so I’ve never really given it much thought as to whether or not that’s important to me, and I’ve never asked if that’s important to him for that matter. Also he never said a word to me that he was even considering taking up religion before a few hours ago when he announced he’d decided to do so.  So again, without getting heated or debate-y about the merits of religion, what do you all think?  Am I stressing for nothing?  Is this suddenness as weird as I feel like it is? 

[Tipsy Bunny]

I would support him and let him join. My family has not really been part of a religion and my boyfriend’s family is and when we go to church, it really feels nice. so I am converting as well, though I havent told my family yet as I am afraid they will make fun of me… I just hope later they will support me.

[kamdynandsunshinesmom]

We all have are own opinions about religion. I use to go to catholic church when I was growing up. When my dad passed the church just wasn’t giving my family enough support. We don’t go to church anymore. I work when Church is going on. I think its just a matter of person opinion. I do believe in god and do say my prayers everynight and so do my buns. Maybe tell your boyfriend that you are not comfortable with converting to a religion and that you will support in every decision that he makes. I hope this helps.

[Stickerbunny]

Religion to people is an intensely private matter, so I don’t find it odd that he didn’t discuss it with you, given your preference for no religion. It is something he had to come to on his own. A lot of people once they reach a certain age “experiment” with religions. I wouldn’t stress about it. Discuss it with him, what he expects from you (if anything) and what you can do to help support him in this decision. Let him know where you stand as for things you will/won’t do (IE: if you have kids, what you want there, whether you’d be willing to go to religious events, etc). But in general, I would just be supportive and not try to push too much, he may just be trying to find himself in this part of his life and not stick with a certain religion for too long – my cousin went from no religion for 34ish years to trying out five or six different ones one year and none of them fit him, so he’s at “no religion, but spiritual” for now!

My boyfriends (over the years) have never agreed with me on religious matters and as long as they don’t care that I don’t care about religion, I don’t care if they do – it’s just something you have to agree to disagree on if you want to be together in some cases. I go to events that are important, but I won’t involve myself too much since I am not a believer in their faith. It hasn’t ever caused an issue. But there are ground rules you have to establish, whether you’d convert on marriage and the like which to some are very important issues.

[Sam and Lady's Human]

Sometime people “find” God. Sometimes people lose Him. Its up to you whether its a deal breaker

My husband is an agnostic and I’m a Christian, it came up early in our relationship and basically we settled on, in short, “I wont change him, but I am allowed to bring our children up with my beliefs” deal. I’m not exactly a religion pusher anyway, its such a personal decision it would be weird to do that… But anyway, I did worry a little bit, but it wasn’t anything a good sit down conversation between the 2 of us couldn’t fix. He’s a good man regardless, his beliefs (or lack there of) don’t change that.

[bunnyfriend]

I understand completely. I’m not religious, I don’t mind other people being religious, but if my boyfriend changed suddenly I’d feel the same way. Have you asked him why he is converting? Are his parents religious? If I were you I’d support him as best as you could without letting his religion take over what you believe in. Maybe sit down and set boundaries or make a compromise? I don’t know if that makes any sense, I would be okay if my boyfriend was religious, I would be respectful and supportive but not okay if he expected me to follow it as well.

[Kate Monster]

Thanks, I think I really just needed someone to tell me to calm down. I’ve been sitting here in my apartment with just bunnies letting my brain make up crazy worst case scenarios. Too much time in your own head can be dangerous.

[LBJ10]

I wouldn’t get too worked up. A lot of people go through phases and explore religions. Some people find their calling, some people come back to where they started. If your boyfriend is really serious about it, then be supportive. Like the others said, make sure he understands how you feel. As long as he doesn’t try to force anything on you, then I don’t think it should really matter. You can agree to disagree. There’s no reason it should come between you.

My husband and I aren’t really the religious types. We participate in things when it is “appropriate”, but otherwise we don’t go to church or anything. We agree on a lot of things, having similar views and whatnot. But there are some things we disagree on. We don’t let such things come between us. We’re not clones, we are allowed to have differing opinions.

[longhairmike]

i now find i am able to maintain an equilibrium whereby i can make jokes about all religions and not favor any one over another…
even though living in mesa is really inspriring for the latter-day-saints wisecracks….

[Michelle&Lolli]

I think I would only worry if it was a cult. I’m being somewhat serious. Otherwise, I’d support him and just see where this goes. It could be that this is a passing thing. Or not. Only time will tell. The best thing is to have discussions about it. It sounds like you need to find out where he is coming from and why now and then take it from there.

[peppypoo]

Agreed with S&L – it’s up to you to decide whether this is a dealbreaker, or how it will affect the relationship. Depending on the nature of your relationship, it’s probably a good idea also to ask him what he thinks this means for the two of you, and how it would affect your future together.

[LittlePuffyTail]

I would support him as long as it’s not one of those cult-like religions where it completely changes you into another person. My husband and I have different religious views. He’s mostly an atheist. We had a non-religious wedding even though my family would have liked us to have gotten married in a church.

[Sarita]

It is funny that he never discussed it with you. But anyway, I agree that it’s only a deal breaker if you make it one.

Why don’t you join this church or whatever it is (temple, synagogue) and see if it’s something you would like to explore too – it may even bring you closer together. His change may not be about religion but more about faith and it could be a positive thing.

[RabbitPam]

For me it brings up a lot of questions that I think could be put on the table for discussion between you.
Unless (and I am NOT kidding here) it is a cult group. Then it’s going to be beyond your ability to work with him unless and until he leaves it.

Assuming it’s one of the more known religions that he has decided to practice, I would wonder the following:

Why did he not talk to you about it before? I think it reflects the larger issue of communication between you. Was he afraid because he made assumptions about your reaction in conversation, like did he think you’d poo poo his inclination or try to talk him out of it? What made him decide to tell you now, and make it an announcement? Has he given you the chance to speak your mind, without his jumping to conclusions?

Does he respect your preference to not join the religion yourself, but are willing to continue with him as he does his thing? ie, will he be proselytizing now to get you to join or is it OK that you are who you are still? (ie. does it dictate open or closed-mindedness and acceptance?)

Is this religion strict about attendance, intermarriage, practices in the home, or raising children? You need to think through how much you want to be involved with him, or if it effects marriage and your future together. ie. dealbreakers.

And if he is exploring, which is common actually, do you want to ride it out with him or is it not something you wish to live with or guide your future if he stays with it?

How did he come to be involved? I’m wondering if there’s another person who’s brought him to it, vs. reading and exploring like in books, on the internet, or stopping into a church on his own. If another person, was this unknown to you?

I am not trying to confuse you more, or put even more questions in your head. I guess my goal is to have you sit down with him (maybe several times) to have an open dialog about what he is going through, and where he sees you fitting in as well as what he thinks you think vs. what you really do. People tend to think they know a person, as you did him, and then when they learn new information they have trouble processing it. Well, he may be surprised by you as well if he’s going by expectations of ultimatums, fears or nonacceptance. He needs to know, and so do you, what’s actually in each others’ minds rather than guessing. And that includes “I’m confused right now and don’t know what I think or believe about us, or my own religion, but I will think about it and continue to communicate with you on the subject.” Either one of you can take that position. It’s evolving.

Just believe in bunnies. They know the score.

[Elrohwen]

Pam said it better than I could. I would really want to discuss it and find out where the inclination comes from. I know of plenty of churches (don’t have as much experience in the non-Christian religion) that will allow you to attend whether you’re technically of that faith or not, so for him to completely convert is a big step. I would want to know how long he’s been thinking about it and what’s made him want to make that change.

I would also want to know how it effects the relationship. Would he want you to attend? As a non-religious person myself I would not be ok with someone expecting me to attend services so that we could stay together. If you got married and had kids would he expect the kids to attend services with him?

If he’s easy going about it and the religion itself isn’t strict about relationships outside of the faith then I don’t think it’s a big deal. If that strictness is there, then I would reevaluate the relationship and what he’s looking to get out of joining a new religion.

[Beka27]

I grew up in a very strict religious household. There are a lot of stereotypes about my former religion and it is considered a cult by man ay people. Fortunately I am no longer affiliated with “the door knockers”… lol, although I still respect people of all religions. I would be concerned since you guys are not married. Is the religion against people of different faiths marrying? What about intimate relations/cohabitation outside of marriage? And the raising of children if you were to have any?

[angie-la]

Interesting! I would also be a little shocked, since it kind of came out of nowhere.. Pam hit it on the nail. If it doesn’t effect chances of your future, e.g marriage, children, etc, and he doesn’t try to push you to join against your will, I see no problem. I’m not very religious, and my boyfriend was raised in a devout Catholic family. We both respect each other’s choices and it’s never been an issue, and we’ve been together for 4 years. =]

I’ve heard that sometimes people get more spiritual and religious as they grow older. According to this astrology book, my sign (Leo) is fairly skeptical about these things, but it said when I hit my 30s/mid 30s I’ll be more open to religion and other ideologies.

[KytKattin]

I agree that it is something you really need to talk about with him, and Pam outlined a lot of good discussion points for both of you. One thing you should also ask about is what is the religions view towards women. I.E., how are women treated? Are they considered equals or are you supposed to be subservient. Consider also how that would effect any children you would potentially raise with him. Even if you were okay with being subservient, would you want to raise your daughter to think that was the right way? What about raising a son to think he was better than women?

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