Son comes home tomorrow

[MimzMum]

Well, the bomb drops tomorrow morning. My son will be all moved home from college and the tribulation will begin. >.<

Already our house if full to bursting and he’s got more junk to store here. Hubby has already thought of cosigning for an apartment in town for him, which I think is a BIG mistake with the boy’s work ethic…or lack of….he couldn’t even bother to make it to class 90% of the time! Why would we think he’d hold down a job to pay rent?

I am hoping to get him to do some cleaning/repairing things for me here, hubby has plans for his days also. Mostly we have to keep the two kids from getting in one another’s faces, as they do not get along at all.

Most folks look forward to having a child come home from school and having the family all together again…but I dread to think what the next few months alone will bring. I think we stopped having a true ‘family’ some years ago.

He and I get along okay as long as he doesn’t get disrespectful and insubordinate. But for some reason he thinks, having only been to college for two years…that he KNOWS IT ALL.

I don’t understand, I was never this cheeky. Seriously, I wasn’t. I knew better than to run my mouth to MY parents. Plus I’ve always felt everyone else knew more than I did. (Most of my friends growing up were my parents’ friends…so I was right!)

I can only hope we can manage not to get on one anothers’ nerves too much for however long we are together. I’d like to enjoy his (probably last) time home somewhat.

I should be happy, but I’m not. So many things going wrong lately. I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep until the rest of the year is over.

 

[Lintini]

*hugs*

I went to college and realized I missed my brother….it should be hitting him soon I would think.

Maybe this time it will be different?? What does he like to do? Maybe help start a hobby with him that you all can enjoy together??

Hang in there!!!

[MimzMum]

Not really. He and I like gaming. My daughter is a book reader. Hubby does his own thing, usually working. She is the one who cannot put up with her brother, and he tends to go overboard trying to get her to tolerate him. There was a lot of anger and difficulty between him and his dad during my illness and lots of fighting. Plus I guess he just pushed her around too much as kids. I sometimes think if she could get away from all three of us, (she barely puts up with me, but doesn’t have the hostility towards me as much as the other two) she’d be happy, but that’s not happening anytime soon.

I think we have all been stuck with one another too long already. What each of us needs is our own separate world, upon which the others can be invited to attend, but all four under one roof doesn’t work anymore. It used to be fun and close, but perspectives have changed over the years I would guess.

Anyway, I just hope we can at least be civil. That’s really all I’m asking for at this point. I know it will never go back to being as it was when things were happy. That, ‘you can never go home again’ thing is truer than you would believe.

[brittbritt]

Once I moved out of my parent’s house at 19 I couldn’t imagine going back. I love my parents but I know I could never live with them again without major fights. I hope it goes smoother than you’re expecting.

[LizzieKnittyBun]

I’m so sorry you have such a trial ahead of you. I’ve seen a situation very close to this first-hand, but it did end up all right. The boy dropped out of college after two years and had to move home. He got a job working as a pool cleaner to make his own money and lived in a very small place.

But!

Eventually he went back to school, slowly at first and then adding more and more classes, and he eventually graduated. He’s now doing extremely well, has a terrific job, is married and has a baby on the way. I don’t think it could have turned out better even if he had stayed in college.

It was a long road for everyone involved, make no mistake, but it won’t be hard forever. Your son needs love and tough love… both. He needs to work, make his own money, get his own place and figure out what he wants in life. This may take a while, but with enough support (not financial) it can happen.

I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m telling you what to do… you know what’s best for him! I just wanted to provide some encouragement : )

[Beka27]

Is he on a break and going back to school or is he done with school? I’m also thinking a job would be the best thing because that would get him out of the house for the majority of the day. When you have 4 people sitting in a small space staring at each other, tensions will rise.

Makes me think of summer vacations when I was a teenager. My parents would basically “lock us out” of the house during the day. They didn’t care where we went, but we couldn’t stay there. If you tell him that he’s not going to be sitting in the house 24 hours a day, he’ll figure he might as well get a job.

[RabbitPam]

Don’t let him take advantage by saying it will be the last time he needs to stay with you. In this economy, it isn’t. I am staying in my present arrangement in part to keep my stuff out of paying for storage and myself and bunny out of having to stay AGAIN with my folks. And we get along famously, but all of us jumped on the chance to have me NOT move in when I got laid off. We all want me to get a job before I need to leave this place (next March.) So don’t get sentimental. It’s not likely true lately.

That said, he’s at an age where you are feeling the normal rite of passage and the pinch of it not happening like it should. So, I actually like your husband’s idea of helping out (don’t cosign, but you can assist with rent. If you cosign you are responsible for the lease, not him.) with him getting his own place while he gets a new job. Not show up for work? He’s canned. Welcome to the world. If he knows that behavior is OK with you, that’s what he’ll do. It’s very different from being laid off in tough times through no fault of your own. If he isn’t going to school, then he’s going to work.

So, you really don’t need him to do chores indefinitely. You need him to decide: Is he never going back to school, or anytime in the near future?
Does he want to live in your town or want to move away? If he stays, then job hunting immediately and being able to move out is the next step. Job hunting takes so long now that he needs to start and stick with it, because it could still be months.
If he wants to leave, ie. always thought it would be fun in LA or NYC for example, then the school can assist him in job placement as well. (Actually, that’s a resource now at home, too.) And as someone who graduated college, moved to NYC and stayed in a pay-by-the-week women’s residence, then moved to Cambridge, MA and lived with 3 roommates, believe me, he can do it if he wants to and has friends. I know these times are Dreadful, and I can’t even get a job lately, but it sounds like he’s not thinking in terms of getting on with his life.

So I’m thinking, charge him rent to live with you.

All that does is start embedding the need for him to bring in $ to support himself. You don’t have to tell him that you are socking it away to give it back for his down-payment on his 1st apartment, or to pay for his groceries, or for auto insurance. You can make it a condition and secretly help him as his own savings plan unbeknownst to him. (Unless of course you need it to pay his bills.) It gets him to understand that he HAS to help, has to look for work, has to make some decisions and not loaf at home. It may make your daughter feel it’s fair, too.

[Monkeybun]

Definitely agree with Pam. Those are the rules my Mom set for me too, and it works if you stick tot hem and don’t let him persuade you otherwise

[Huckleberry]

That sounds really rough. I’m sorry you’re facing it.
I agree with the others, that encouraging him to get a job is a good idea but I don’t think it should be just any stupid job that he will hate. I say this because the job I was “encouraged” to get is horrible. I hate it. What’s worse is that it has beaten me down to a point that I not only don’t want to work there but dread any other job in the future because I know I will end up hating it all. I have a great work ethic but I have no sense of purpose, which in turn has caused me to lose drive at college.
So, as a discouraged college student facing the world right now, I would say that a job that rewards/requires a hard work ethic is important, as well as something he enjoys doing, even if it doesn’t pay well at first because the goal would be to develop skills and knowledge that would lead to a better job. Try local employment agencies. The one here realized that my bf was going to school for engineering, The agency got him a job at a lab. At first he was doing maintenance but now he is a lab tech!
As for the distance between eachother. Why is that not an option? Maybe you can each have special places in the house (bedrooms, garage, garden) that are your own and the rule is that you have to leave each other alone when you’re in those areas. You could encourage the girl to go on walks or bike rides to get away from everyone and burn off some steam. Don’t push the “happy family” thing too much, no family is perfect and honestly I doubt they are ever 100% happy. Just try your best to set a positive mood for the day and relax as much as you can.

I hope some of this gives you some ideas. HUGS!

[RabbitPam]

Hi, Huckleberry,
First, you may have seen your reply went in 4 times, so I just deleted the extra 3. Sometimes the reply is slow and we click multiple times than it catches up.

You make an excellent point that I agree with about hating your work. I am struggling badly with job hunting because, while I liked much of what I did, I have been stabbed in the back more than once in recent years and I just can’t bear the idea of working with any more people who will hurt someone else if they can feed their greed in the process. (And I don’t care if they were afraid of losing their job so laid me off to keep it.) I know I was also laid off to pay for new computers. The damage they did to my trust in employers is effecting me adversely now.

What I would suggest strongly, MM, as this is a great time for him to do this, is to purchase the new edition of “What Color is my Parachute?” by Richard Bolles. He is brilliant, and it is a very, very effective book for guiding someone in a direction that will make them find work they enjoy, and therefore stick with. You son will have to do the exercises, but you could challenge him to complete them on time in order to get a guide for his job search. Basically, it says there are loads of career paths, so choose the one that you will like the most because it will be using the skills you do best. Often someone who doesn’t do well in school is just not getting their real talents and skills recognized. Example: you don’t need a bachelors in Liberal Arts if you love mountain climbing. But it will help to figure out that if you want to try being a park ranger that works on guiding or rescues in the mountains, you may need to study a particular type of course work or get certification. I mean, the kid who cuts school to go skiing might have a better future as a ski instructor than as a computer programmer. Heck, even a party kid might be happier getting work as a bartender than a gopher in a day job. So it says “never mind what you don’t like. Work with what you secretly do love, and build on that.” It’s very effective, and worth the work of doing his exercises. I just ordered the newest version, for 2012, because he helps as the economy changes too.

I like Huckleberry’s idea of designated private spaces, too.

[Huckleberry]

Thanks, RabbitPam! I did see that. I’m currently without a computer and using my phone to post. I tried to go back and edit something but then it went all haywire on me and posted 3 more times! (insert that face with the squiggly “whoops!” face since I can’t on this stupid smart phone”
That sounds like a good book! I might even have to check that out!
My bf is struggling right now with issues of feeling lile he isn’t successful or content in life. He found a list on esquire about the top ten books every man should read. Right now, he is reading Walden. I think it’s helping him, you might want to check it out.

[RabbitPam]

You mean Henry David Thorough’s Walden? I’ve read it.
I used to live near Concord and walked the path around the pond frequently, passing the remains where his little house for that year was. (Hut?)

What I learned about HDT that gave me a slightly broader perspective about him was that he wasn’t living in complete isolation and renouncing the world totally when he lived on the pond. He was within walking distance of his family’s home in Concord. His dad had died and he and his brother operated the business, manufacturing graphite (now called pencils), which was owned by his mother and the 2 sons. (I think he might have dropped by to check in with them about once a week.) Sadly, he and his brother both died around their 40s or thereabouts. I am convinced that it could have been lung cancer or the equivalent from the graphite, which we now know is a carcinogen. But everyone in town knew the guy. He walked miles and met most of his country neighbors.

Concord is a beautiful place for contemplative thinking. I love it there. RW Emerson and Louisa May Alcott lived there, too. Louisa’s father, Bronson, was one of several men who met in his barn to discuss their philosophy. Ironically, while he did that, Louisa resented him greatly since she was forced to help be a breadwinner for the family and that began her successful writing career. Bronson was an out-there teacher (got fired a lot) who liked to test his theories on his kids. Not a swell father. I digress.

I think it’s traditionally expected of men to make their way in the world according to their own lights, be it business, farming or philosophy. Parachute, Walden, etc. are all teachers in their own way who have led by insight or example.
What were the other books on that list?  (This Whoops face?)

MM, I keep thinking about my reply because I was worried I was being too harsh or giving advice when what you really wanted was commiseration. I mean, if we put ourselves in his place, he’s at a very hard time of life where, instead of setting out into the world to make his fortune, he is assaulted daily with hopelessness via global communication and the prospects right now are so bad for us all that it is hard to get up, much less go. I think he will need compassion as much as tough love.

[Tate]

Have faith that he will get it in his own time. It took me 4 years to actually pick a major… I went through at least 20 different career path and it took me getting Velvateen to finally say, “I want to do something with animals”. The smallest thing can spark interest. My boyfriend is that same way… dropped out of community college after a few semesters and just worked at a Petco full time. After working with animals and learning about them, he decided to go back to school (starts in a month!) and get a transfer degree to a bigger university to study either zoology or wildlife ecology. It just takes some of us a bit more time, but we get there eventually.  It’s always difficult to get through those first few years of school when you’re just taking math or geography or whatever it is… There isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, unless you went to school knowing exactly what you wanted to do. Maybe he will get some idea of a career and then he’ll be ready to persue school again, as every class he takes, will lead to what he wants. 

[peppypoo]

My brother and I argued through middle and high school and generally didn’t get along, but things got a lot better between us after he left for school for a few years…I feel like we really just needed to time apart. But then again, parental tensions did increase, since it’s always hard going back after “freedom” and college life.

Agreed with everybody that a job is a good idea…if he would like to have an apartment of his own could you make a deal with him? Apartment for a job, that is.

Hopefully everything goes well for you and you will be able to enjoy some family time.

[MimzMum]

Well I spent about an hour trying to write responses to all the advice here (thank you everyone) but then I found I was just getting more into rant mode than anything else. So I scrapped it.

I’ll take everything into consideration and hopefully something will work out. As it is, he was home only one day and then the arguing and yelling started between him and the hubby again. Personally, I’ve just gotten so tired of it I’d almost sell everything I owned just to get him set up somewhere else that they two of them didn’t have to have contact.
Funny thing…my husband always wanted them to have a better relationship than he and HIS father had…seems to me it is little different and that’s the shame of it.

[LizzieKnittyBun]

Oh geez what a mess! I bet your husband is just totally frustrated and doesn’t know what to do, and your son is likely feeling just as frustrated as well as embarrassed and defensive. I hope it gets better.

Maybe some time apart is for the best. Where is he now?

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