should i feel bad about this?

[aerosmithgrl]

My dad is being… well…. i guess to keep it public appropriate, mean, grumpy and stuborn. and my mom has talked to me about possably leaving him. being around him is a drag, home should be a place of relaxation and a safe place to return to at the end of the day. Although he does not pose a physical threat to me and my mom he brings us down and he says things that undermine our intelegence, in otherwords he hurts our feelings, makes us deppresed and makes sure we never feel too smart. he is older then my mom and all he wants to do is sit down and watch the news (which is a drag in its self to watch every day for hours). while my mom is in her early fourtys and is still ready to go out and dance and go shoping and have fun, im still a sophomore in highschool so i will gladly go with her. she is like a sister to me <3 i can trust her with anything! my dad... we cant even talk. so should I be perfectly fine with her thinking about leaving him? i would be with her for most of the time. it just seems so much better off without him there to bring us down. to me, it looks like the bad outweighs the good. but i not the one who married him and sleeps with him at night so i dont know from her point of view.... but should i feel guilty about thinking its probably a good idea?</p>

[Monkeybun]

I wouldn’t feel guilty. I’ve been in a similar situation, and if she isn’t happy, and neither are you, or your dad for that matter, its usually best for all to go their separate ways if it can’t be resolved otherwise.

*hugs*

[Michelle&Lolli]

It sounds like your father is verbally and mentally abusing both of you. That is as serious as physical abuse. In my opinion, I don’t think you should feel guilty or bad about wanting your dad to leave or vice versa. I think oftentimes children are more willing to consider their parents separating rather than the adults because as much a child may love both parents, they can see that the marriage is just not working. I do think you and your mom should seek counseling so that a professional can help you to sort out all your feelings on this.

[aerosmithgrl]

well after being in a bad relationship (but it was physically abusive and he ended up raping me) its much better to just leave the situation and get someone to help you, in MY case i had a boy in my grade who had never talked to be before end up being the only one who could help me even my friends had left me. he is now my fiance, and i litterally JUST had a breakdown about my attack (saw a rape scene on tv, its the only thing i cant handle) he came right out to hold me and kiss my hair and tell me its alright, he stayed on the phone with me until he was at my door and didnt leave until he knew for sure that i was stable(he would have stayed the night but that isnt allowed).

THAT is what my mom deserves, not the crap she is putting up with now. and i know that my father is being crabby because he is working all the time in a crap job to keep us living well. but you shouldnt have to tear us appart in the process. i would rather live in a shack and have love then live like a queen and be hated for it. just my story and oppinion, sorry to be a downer. but its an explanation of why i feel the way i do. i love my dad, but he is not right for us sometimes.

[LoveChaCha]

My parents are divorced… and both moved on.
It is hard when one is in a marriage, but if your mother isn’t happy, she would do what is best for herself and you, even if it means splitting with your father.

You are perfectly fine with talking with us about things.

It sounds like your mother is a veery strong woman, and would be there for you for support.
Keeps us updated

[Lani]

 

Don’t feel guilty about feeling this way, not even for a second. Just as you have the right to have a healthy, happy relationship with your friends or your fiance, you have the right to the same type of happy relationship with your family. I’ve been where you are and I know exactly what you mean about your dad not feeling “right for you.” My parents relationship spiraled downhill for several years before my father finally walked out on us. As hard as it was to accept that he abandoned us, I was so grateful because once he left, my mom, brother and I were able to have the happy, fun loving home that we had all been missing. Sure it was a difficult adjustment but in the end it was better for everyone involved and I ended up with a happier family life.

I’m not saying that is how it has to be or will be for your family because everyone’s situation is different and resolves in different ways. Just that it’s not a bad thing to want the best for your family, even if it means making tough choices or going through tough situations.

 

[aerosmithgrl]

thanks guys, this is helping a lot. but the tough thing is that i see both sides of the story. it makes me not know what is better but so far i think my mom being unhappy is the first thing on my mind. her side wins so far. he means for the best, but he doesnt have to be a total jerk about it.

[longhairmike]

getting a divorce in this economy can result in long-term financial devastation to both sides. it should really be considered an absolute last resort unless there is imminent physical danger. have you tried bringing them both into one room, sitting them down, and making them take turns holding and petting the bunny?

[aerosmithgrl]

thats another thing i cant have a bunny! my dad says no to everything, im on this website so i can soak up as much “bunnyness” as possable. apperently we are “downsizing our pets naturally” to ME that sounds like something the whole family gets to decide on. but whatever i guess, apperently he isnt even talking to us today which doesnt help either.

i dont know wether my mom will decide to split or not. i support her either way. i graduate highschool in two years so its not me who has to deal with him every day.

and i cant talk to him, i never have been able to talk to him. he makes sure you feel small and he walks away from conversations half way through (if you are lucky to even ‘earn’ his attention) its making this whole household awkward and shakey. and he doesnt notice that i cant watch rape scenes on the tv or even hear it, i have to be out of the house because i cant walk into another room he always insists on having the tv on super loud. he doesnt seem to care anymore… and it hurts.

[aerosmithgrl]

and this isnt just whiny teenager talk, my mom says he has changed so much. this isnt the man she married.

[LoveChaCha]

There are people that change and it isn’t for the good. I am glad that your mother is realizing this.
I’m sending you vibes I lived with my mom after my parents divorced. It wasn’t easy, and I got a job to help out at home.

[aerosmithgrl]

he seriously just came home, silent. gave my mom the cold sholder. then my mom had to go to something in town and after she left he started talking to me… im not amused. seriously what the heck is going on, i dont know what to think anymore. he had different prioritys now apperently.

[Michelle&Lolli]

I really think you should see a counselor/therapist. They will help you sort all this out – especially what just happened today. I was 22 when my mom left my dad. They had been unhappy for several years and I knew it was coming. My mom had talked to me about it. But when it finally happened, I was still devastated. This is going to sound bad, but it’s not meant that way. We will always support you, but there is only so much support any message board can provide. Divorce is a major upheaval of everything – especially emotions. Again…I’m not saying you can’t vent here or anything of the sort. Vent away! I just want to strongly encourage you. It’s just a way for someone outside the situation (but in person) to talk to and to learn some techniques for handling it all. ((((HUGS)))))

[aerosmithgrl]

well it is easier for me to talk with people on here, because if i talk to someone i see everyday about it then im just getting the same oppinions. here there are people who have been through all sorts of situations. but if needed i will seek help.

[LoveChaCha]

I saw a counselor after my parent’s divorced from the age of 11 to 17. Counselors are not bad people at all.

[Monkeybun]

Posted By longhairmike on 04/25/2011 01:03 PM
getting a divorce in this economy can result in long-term financial devastation to both sides. it should really be considered an absolute last resort unless there is imminent physical danger. have you tried bringing them both into one room, sitting them down, and making them take turns holding and petting the bunny?

 

Sometimes, money is the last thing on peoples minds when they need to get out of a situation. The one I was in for example. It didn’t matter how much I lost, I had to get out of it.

Being happy is better than having money.

[Michelle&Lolli]

For a counselor, it would be someone you would see outside of school and usually just once a week or less, depending on how often you feel you need to go.

[aerosmithgrl]

Posted By Monkeybun on 04/25/2011 02:44 PM

Posted By longhairmike on 04/25/2011 01:03 PM
getting a divorce in this economy can result in long-term financial devastation to both sides. it should really be considered an absolute last resort unless there is imminent physical danger. have you tried bringing them both into one room, sitting them down, and making them take turns holding and petting the bunny?

 

Sometimes, money is the last thing on peoples minds when they need to get out of a situation. The one I was in for example. It didn’t matter how much I lost, I had to get out of it.

Being happy is better than having money.

 

i agree 100% there are people that know us well enough to help us if we needed it. and this is not making me happy at all. it needs to one way or the other. im not afraid to see somebody about it. i had a councler after i was raped. but the worst parts are 1 not knowing if it will hapen at all    2  what is going to happen if it does and 3 if my parents are even ok after they split up…

[Lani]

It sounds like you’re very close to your mom so have you sat down and talked with her about it and how you feel? This might be best done outside of the house so you both can talk freely but it might help to tell your mom how you feel and that you support her. Personally, I know that this is one thing I wished that I had done when my parents kept fighting. I wish I had told her that I was there for her and I wanted her to be happy, no matter what that meant. And I wish I had given her my opinion and how their fighting made me feel.  Maybe if you have an honest conversation with her about how you feel and how it is affecting you, it will help you both make the best decision for everyone involved.

[aerosmithgrl]

yes i live my mom so much. even when my dad has moments that he has lashed out and been mean she is the rock that held it all together. she is more like my sister then my mom. i dont know what i would do without her… and we have talked many times about it. not nessesarily a full out heart to heart every time but its enough to help her decide.

[RabbitPam]

I think it is important that you try to have all three of you see a family counselor. If he won’t go (at first at least) then you and your mother should definitely get to one for help. You’ve undergone a very traumatic event in your life, and you need parental support. You are not your mom’s friend, and you are not to be put in the middle if it can possibly be avoided. Maybe he is just hostile by nature, but it sounds to me like he’s completely withdrawing, more so from your mom, but they’re both setting you up to be in the middle. That is not OK from either of them. I think a skilled, objective counselor will be able to get to the bottom of the issues going on fairly quickly. Whether the next steps are divorce or separation remains to be seen. I might venture to guess that your Dad is in a sort of depression himself and might need a therapist by himself to help him, too. You’re too young to be dealing with their serious adult issues and undercurrents, and the situation is rapidly becoming intolerable for all three of you. But I think you need that outsider guiding the conversation to make real progress, and regular sessions for steady progress or improvement. It may be that ultimately they both need a couples counselor without you there (setting much more appropriate boundaries and dealing directly with what’s wrong between them) but for now it is effecting you seriously. If your counselor from the past can’t recommend a colleague for your family to see together, ask the guidance counselor at school for a recommendation of someone. Then get them both in the car and go for help. Please.

[aerosmithgrl]

ok i under stand and agree with everything but me not being my moms friend. because yes i am. we are close. she is still my mom but we are close we rarely fight and we help eachother when we need help.

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