Work Relationships; when instead of talking to you they complain to the boss

[Lion_Lop_Lover]

I work at a livestock feed/supplies & pet feed/supplies store. I work with 2 girls and 5 boys and the boss is male too. My previous job before this was at a small, local pet shop where I worked alone, so working with others was not something I was used to.

Girl #1 has been there 10 years, lives out in the boonies, is about 35 years old or so, and pictures herself as a the perfect employee. Appears to get along with everyone but behind her back no one seems to really like her.

Girl #2 has been there 5 years, around 32, very forward and hard shelled, but kind underneath.

Guy #1 is the warehouse guy. He is 60, very gruff and “been there done that” with a kind heart. Teddy bear inside, scary outside. Very stubborn.

Guy #2 has been there 2 years; 30 years old, becoming a teacher, very easy to get along with, obsessive-compulsive.

Guy #3 has been there about 3 years, 23 years old, works mostly in the warehouse, carefree and very “23 year old guy stereotype)

Guy #4 has been there almost one year, hes in his 50s, very kind, would not hurt a fly, keeps to himself a lot.

Guy #5 has been there a month, for just warehouse weekend hours. 24, very nice…i don’t see him much.

At any point in time, there are usually 4 of us there total; 2 in the warehouse and 2 in the store.

Anyway, as most of you know I’m pretty low self esteemed, don’t exactly like myself, have a difficult time in social situations because I have anxiety issues with being social…so, because I’ve been forced into more social situations over the last little while I enter the adult world, my mind has created some coping mechanisms…namely, I overcompensate for my introversion by being very outgoing and try to be happy all the time. It’s a nervous coping mechanism, and I know I do it and I try to put a cap on it but when I get nervous or overwhelmed it comes out.

Having not worked for long periods of time with people, I overcompensated on the ‘outgoing’ scale because (1) I wanted to be liked (2) I didn’t want people to think I was miserable and (3) I was nervous and scared.

Most of my coworkers interpreted this as immaturity.

At my 1 month evaluation, the boss slammed me for being ‘immature’.

So over the past month I have worked on it. I assumed that I got along with everyone, though Girl #1 who has been there 10 years bothers me and I don’t think she really likes me. I tried to be cute with the guys in a “I’m 21 and life is fine” way.

I try to tell stories from my life that are funny or that I can put a spin on to make people laugh…I try to be cheery and happy ALL the time because I know people hate to be burdened.

I was called into the boss’ office today and he said point blank I gotta change or I’m fired. He said the staff are overwhelmed by me. He said I act with the customers perfectly, mature and wise, but with the staff I “work at Wendy’s.”

This bothered me immediately. So someone has an issue with me and instead of talking to me they complain to the boss and probably make it seem worse than it is? My boss kept saying “this is not a personal attack on who you are” —— um, yes it is. I try to be friendly and happy and apparently it’s a problem.

Sure there are things about my coworkers I don’t like but I don’t go complain about them. I accept that people are who they are and that’s what makes us unique.

Yes, I realize that I’m fairly fake with overcompensating who i really am…

but if you have an issue with me talk to me, don’t make it seem like no one likes me.

So…at this meeting with the boss I cried. A lot. I try SO hard and it seems whatever I do fails.

He said I have a couple weeks to change or I’m gone.

 With the horse problems, my parents’ divorce, and money problems I’m struggling immensely.

[Sarita]

Did you ask him what you could do to improve your relationship with your co-workers? Did he have any suggestions?

[Lion_Lop_Lover]

He told me he was not going to tell me specific things, that I needed to figure it out or myself.

[JamieM]

It sounds like this might not be the right environment for you. You are who you are and you shouldn’t have to change for anybody or anyplace. What you need is a place where you naturally just fill that little niche nicely… I do, however, understanding staying at a job you hate cause you don’t have a lot of options. Trust me, I did retail all through college at Lowe’s and I loathed it and was miserable everyday.

My suggestion would be to attempt to appease your manager’s suggestions but start looking for another job. I understand that anxiety issues can be debilitating and that you need to learn to get over them, but you also need to be able to love you for you, and changing to “fit in” with a work crowd isn’t going to help your self esteem one bit.

I too know the annoyance of having a coworker complain about you rather than come to your face to address the problem. I am fond of friendly banter (I’m a smart butt), and one day a coworker decided that after calling a female coworker “Hotumn” he would be offended by my use of a word that I won’t repeat here but that I honestly didn’t find offensive until he was offended. And although I understand that people get offended by different things, I was more upset that instead of coming to me, he went to the director of my program, who of course didn’t hear him call the girl Hotumn (her name is Autumn) and who just reprimanded me. A lot of drama could have been avoided had he spoken to me right from the beginning rather than run straight to the boss…. and honestly it caused a lot of tension in my workplace cause everybody I work with knew that what I said was NOTHING compaired with the things you usually hear here (I work in emergency mental health, so you have to quickly grow a thick shell, much like police officers, and your humor quickly becomes just slightly deranged.)

I think you just need to let it roll off your back and work in a place that NURTURES you to find what it is that you love about yourself rather than makes you feel compelled to change.

[RabbitPam]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you – you are very self-aware and anything you want to change you are already working on.

There is definitely something wrong with this boss – I am CERTAIN that he’d never last in anyone else’s business. In fact, I’d bet he didn’t. Some private business owners can unfortunately be difficult. It’s why they struck out on their own in the first place. He did all the wrong things as your boss. He IS assaulting your character, you asked him to give you specifics but he wouldn’t. You asked him for direction in what to do to improve. He wouldn’t. In short, you are handling it professionally and they are not. Miserable people often make life difficult for someone who seems to have a lot going for them, and it sounds like that fits here. He’s being vague to cover his legal ass for what is an unjustified firing.

Unfortunately, the best thing to do is find another job and high tail it out of there fast. It’s hard (good grief-I’ve been at it a year and I’m still working part time!) but it is very empowering to be proactive about your life and take steps to help yourself. Call all your local friends and put the word out that you’re looking. Put together your resume (one page is fine) and drop it by local places you think you might like. It sounds like your experience is very specific to working with animals and related things, so I think you can hit the yellow pages for other stores, and maybe some vets. The thing to keep in mind is that this is a minute in your life history that will be forgotten easily and happily, and your next job will seem so much better in comparison.
And we’re here for you, you know that.

[Kokaneeandkahlua]

That’s completely unfair that he won’t help you and I think you need to call him on it ie. you can’t threaten my job asking me to change and not tell me how WHAT A JACKASS!!

As for now, I would cold shoulder all the employees for the time being; Say hi and only discuss work and nothing else. Be polite but don’t be friendly or chatty-that should stop the complaining and let them inititiate how they want to interact
Anyways that’s my two cents

Hang in there girl!!

[ScooterandAnnette]

How about trying this: Just be yourself. Forget the fake happy-go-lucky attitude and life is great etc. Aside from anything else that’s not giving your coworkers a chance to like YOU, because you’re not letting them see YOU.

And if someone does say something to you about it, tell them listen I’m sorry I was a little overboard with the enthusiasm, I was just very nervous and trying to present a bright and upbeat personality.

Give your coworkers a chance to see who you are, and what you’re about. Maybe they won’t like you, but maybe they will. You know the Barbie “Hi there life is wonderful” facade isn’t working, so what do you have to lose by being yourself with them?

I’ve been both and employee and a supervisor, and while there are some things that you wish people would talk to you about directly often times people just aren’t comfortable coming out and saying it. One of my jobs used to be coordinating work teams for events, and every now and then it would happen that there was someone that no one wanted to work with for one reason or another. Sometimes it was things that could be worked through, sometimes it wasn’t. But no one wanted to approach the person in question. And more than once it was a case of someone just talking way too much, and not picking up on the cues that the rest of the team was giving them. What’s the rapport between the rest of your coworkers like? Do they talk about their personal live with each other? If things like that aren’t the norm there then it might be that telling stories from your life is making them uncomfortable. Some workplaces have more of a “we’re here to work and we really don’t want to get involved personally” feel to them than others.

In any case, my advice is to just back off on the overt attempts to make them like you for now. Be polite, be genuine with them, and take your cues from them. Observe their interactions with each other and see what the standard is there, and see how you fit in with that. Maybe in 2 weeks or so make some cookies and bring them in, put them in the back room or some place discreet so that they can enjoy them but they’re not beaten over the head with “Hey I made these for you guys aren’t I wonderful?!”.
– Annette

[babybunsmum]

i second k&k’s proclamation.  your boss is a jackass.   it was very very unprofessional of him to tell you that the staff are ‘overwhelmed’ with you and not give you specific guidelines of conduct to follow.  this is just not cool. 

that said, since it’s a small business and he’s the boss-man you have a choice to adapt or leave.  i think the advice to start looking elswhere is good because i agree that it’s far far better to work somewhere where you feel that you fit in.  or at least to work with people who are more compassionate (EVERYONE has different social skills & has to learn to work with others) or at the very least are mature enough to “suck it up” if one of their co-workers styles is different from their own.   and not go running to the boss about it.  good grief.  sounds like grade 2.

the more experience i get under my belt the more i realize that every work environment has it’s pluses & minuses.  whether it be a small mostly family-run business or a large company with many employees there will definitely be politics involved.  and it doesn’t take long to find out who pushes your buttons or who’s buttons you push.  while you’re still there, regardless of how long, i encourage you to try out a strategy on how to interact with them.  it can be like a “work place armour” that you put on when you’re there and it doesn’t have to have a thing to do with who you are as person.  in other words, i think it’s okay to ‘put on a face’ when it comes to work or to finding the best ways to interact with different personalities.  most people do this naturally when speaking to children versus adults for example.  it’s not that they’re pretending to be a different person but they realize who their audience is and adapt. 

for your current workplace audience i would recommend exactly what k&k says.  put on your “professional face”, smile & be kind while speaking about job-related things and thats it.  it’s really no fun at all to not show ANY personality at work but hang in there.  watch for cues and reactions to your “professional face” from your co-workers and think of this as a learning experience.  *grrroan* i know, but it can be interesting and useful to learn about how different people react to you.   and above all, if it doesn’t work out then you can walk away knowing that you acted with dignity and self-respect as well as respect for an employer who hasn’t even earned it.

[Beka27]

ugh. that is so stupid. i guess he’d rather you mope aorund? fine. mope around. be “sad” and anti-social for two weeks and see how he likes that. that is so ridiculous. can you get wrongful termination or anything even tho he’s a small business owner?

[MooBunnay]

Thats terrible! That is so rude of him, and the idea that he isn’t going to give you any suggestions, but just tell you to “figure it out yourself’ is ridiculous! I would recommend just saying as little as possible to everyone. Do not worry about being happy and excited for everyone, just pretend that everyone there is a customer. It really does not matter how they feel about you, clearly they don’t appreciate your kindness or your efforts to be friends with them, so don’t bother.

I would also recommend seeing if you can find somewhere else to work that is more private. Not because it will make the others more comfortable, but because it will make YOU more comfortable. It seems like everyone there is really immature anyways, so who cares what they think! We here at BinkyBunny like you, and your bunnies like you, and your horses too

[Beka27]

^^^along those lines, i’ve been working at the same retail store for 4 years this month (part-time, currently only one day a week) and i have to say that i try to mind my own business as much as possible. i talk to the people i work with closely (i have a desk job so there’s usually one or two other people working with me), but everyone else pretty much gets a “hi, how are you?” and that’s it. there is so much stuff that happens there (this one is dating that one, this one said that to the other one, etc…) it’s like high school all over again. do your shift and that’s it. you need to learn where to draw the line. you’ll need to know that regardless of where you work. it’s good to practice now.

[BuntBun]

what a complete meanie! your boss shouldn’t have to change you for other people’s sake, and he should also be grateful that he EVEN HAS YOU!

[Scarlet_Rose]

Lion_Lop I thought that I wouild just chip in my 2 cents.

From what I read it sounds like your co-workers have an “exclusive” clique going on here and are doing their best to eliminate “the outcast” with social pressure i.e. you. They do not speak to you directly because their allegations are actually quite made-up and over-exaggerated. Do not sink to their level and place a microscope on yourself.

Your boss telling you to figure it out for yourself tells me that they really do not want to be involved but are just saying something because of the complaints that have been lodged against you. Chances are the boss doesn’t really know what, if any real problem actually exists.

Do you have a department of labor you can call and talk to? I might suggest that and if this is a store is one of a major chain, call the Human Resources department or contact your boss’s boss. Ditto with looking for another place to work.

[RabbitPam]

I just flashed on another thought: if you’re doing well with the customers you might be facing jealousy. My sister-in-law is very cheerful and outgoing and can sell sand to someone dying of thirst – so she got some nasty co-workers as a result. Also, the clique thing is very likely, which means every new person goes through this. I bet the turnover for the Outsider is high.

Still think you should start job hunting right away, but while you’re there I think the advice to keep it professional and minimal interaction is the best. Wasn’t your major Psychology in school? Maybe you could step back and observe these jerks for the psych of the workplace and different personality interactions. Put yourself in the position of observer, less painful and less invested, and possibly more interesting.

{{{{{Sympathetic hugs. Been there.}}}}}}

[Lion_Lop_Lover]

I think that you all are hitting it right on the nailhead. Cliques and jealousy – exactly it…I’ve only been there 2 months, but with my previous experience in the pet industry I was able to answer most and all questions immediately, and I’ve expanded my knowledge to other sections, whereas some of the employees who have been there for years can’t answer questions about other sections, for example: Girl #1 who has been there 10 years STILL cannot answer horse related questions.

If I don;t know something, I ask and am present for them to explain it, so I know it.

I really want to stay in the pet industry, which limits my only other job prospect to the pet store that shut down my other pet store. They have had a “Now Hiring” sign up since they OPENED, but maybe once they see my credentials they will take me on. Plus, then I’d be working alone.

[babybunsmum]

well i’m glad that you’re thinking about your options.  but please do not think because this motley group doesn’t welcome you that it means you’re best suited to work alone.  don’t let them break your spirit!  you can shine AND work with other people, just not at this job right now because of pettiness.  hang in there & hold your bubbly friendliness in your heart to save it for people who will appreciate it.  meanwhile let your knowledge shine through so it can help customers who will appreciate it.

[Tami]

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, Lion_Lop !

I’ve never had a job where I didn’t have to be around & work with other people.  After the “newness” wore off, you could instantly see how these people really were.  I am not a very attractive person, having been overweight and homely-looking my whole life, and pretty much in every situtation I’ve been in, from the first day of school until now, I’ve dealt with people making fun of me, ridiculing me and actually doing physical harm to me because I didn’t “look” the way they thought I should.  It was never about the person that I am……it was always about the way I look.  Ya know, after years of hearing, “Two Ton”, “Fat Pig”, “Fat Cow”, “You should be arrested for indecent exposure”, etc., you start to believe you really are what everyone says……..fat & ugly………Needless to say, I’ve never felt good about myself my whole life because of what “other people” have been saying to me.  I have no self-esteem left !

I couldn’t work with other people now even if I tried.  Most times you just can’t win, no matter how hard you try !

My husband is a very nice, compassionate man and has worked at the Walmart Distribution Center here in Bedford for 10 yrs. now.  He calls in and asks if they need any help on his days off, he stays late if he’s needed, without complaints, and has gotten ridiculed by his co-workers for just being a nice guy.  Chock it up to jealousy…..plain & simple……just like rabbitpam said.  How immature is THAT ??  Sheesh !

You know what they did as a practical joke to my husband ?…….well actually, this involved me, too, and I don’t even know these SOB’s (sorry, but I am/was livid about this !) because it involves my private space in my own home…….these a$$wipes put 3 ads……count’em….. 3 ….. in a paper that is distributed all over PA called the ” Trader’s Guide “. 

The first ad said we had pedigreed Shi-tzu puppies for sale………males $50.00, females $100.00.  Of course we got a TON of phone calls all hours of the day and night because these prices for pedigreed pups are unheard of (they used Shi-tzu’s because my husband divulged too much information, albeit innocently, of what kind of dogs we have……a Shi-tzu/Pekingese and a Yorkie).  Now this redneck, hillbilly ~!*&#^ who put the ad in, gave out our private number that we pay every month extra on our phone bill to have private !!!  He found out the number because of another guy from my husbands job that we do business with, cleaning and servicing our lawn mowers……yeah, someone we trusted gave out our private information to be distributed all over PA !!!!!

The second ad was “Bunnies for sale”……$5.00 each…….because hubby told everyone we have bunnies.  These people around here consider them livestock for hunting, eating & target practice.  How sweet…..NOT !!!

The third ad was about my husband’s car being for sale because he’s always complaining about it giving him problems and wishing he could get a new car.

I told Doug a million times, from the time I first met him, to NOT give out our personal information because at some point, these people who he trusts so much and works with, will use it against him/us.  Well, that’s exactly what happened !!  The damage is done.  The lawnmower guy will not get any more business from us and now Doug sits by himself and doesn’t talk to anyone !  He is there to work, not to socialize.

If he would’ve listened to me in the first place, we wouldn’t be miserable in our own home right now ! 

To top it off, Doug confronted the guy about it.  First he admitted to putting in the ad, then when he found out we didn’t think it was very funny, he retracted it and said he didn’t do it, that the guy he got our private number from, did it !!!  Then he threatened to get Doug fired for supposedly calling him and this other guy a “Dickhead” & an “A$$hole”, which Doug didn’t do……..he just said they were “ACTING” like that !!!  Then when Doug told him that I didn’t appreciate it at all, he said he couldn’t help who Doug married !!!!!  I wanted to go to that guy’s house and break his neck !  He’s in his 30’s, has a wife and kids, and this is how he acts !

The last two factory jobs I had……I got to be friends with a couple people…..but after awhile, they all started talking behind my back and I found out about it, so I just went on break by myself, sat in my car or the ladies restroom by myself and basically just did my job, didn’t talk to anyone and came home. 

It’s very unfortunate to have to do that because we as human beings are social creatures and need some sort of connection with other human beings, but some people just aren’t worth giving the time of day to and that’s the God’s honest truth !  Sad but true.

If I were you, I would do my best to conform to whatever is needed to be considered a “good employee” for the time being, but when you’re not there……start looking for something else.  Maybe this job is just a “stepping stone” to something better and this could be a blessing in disguise, “pushing” you into finding your dream job

I apologize for writing such a lengthy response, but I haven’t told too many people about the incident that just happened with these stupid ads. I hope this never happens to anyone else because it’s not very funny and we would never think of doing this to someone and desecrating their private space !  All I can say is, these people must be extremely miserable and unhappy to feel like they need to drag others down with them…….”Misery loves company !” after all.

I guess it’s just children being children

Good luck with this situation and I hope you come out of it all the better for it !  I can’t wait for the day you can kick your heels up at these people as you’re walking out the door to your new dream job !!!

[RabbitPam]

tami,
The following statement is taken directly from the Walmart Global Ethics Office document on their company policy. I think your husband is being harassed. Keep the ads. Not only is it unlikely that he would get fired for his language, but they are trying to scare him to keep him from reporting their “joke.” If he wants to pursue it, I think he can use the open door policy to tell a supervisor, or make an anonymous call to their Ethics hotline, which is available for the purpose. 1-800-WMETHIC People mistakenly think that harassment is only sexual. In fact, it is a very broad topic protecting employees from disrespect and discrimination of all kinds, including insulting a man’s wife about her weight, distributing personal information (ads in the paper? How stupid are these guys???) and creating a hostile work environment.

http://walmartstores.com/AboutUs

Harassment and Inappropriate Conduct

Harassment of any type, whether directed at a co-worker, supplier, customer or anyone
doing business with Wal-Mart, will not be tolerated. Harassment is broadly defined and includes
conduct which negatively interferes with work performance, diminishes the dignity of any
person or which creates an intimidating, hostile or otherwise offensive work environment.

Your husband may not choose to follow up with a complaint, but this is dreadful and I just want you to know that he could.

Sorry, LL, but these two situations really burn me up. The reason to work for a corporation is, unlike little privately owned businesses like your workplace, they have these policies in place so they can fire the jerks. And usually if they’ve hurt you, they’ve hurt others. Take the job at the big store with the help wanted signs. The change will do you good.

[babybunsmum]

wow tami i’m so sorry you’ve had to endure that.  people who tease and ridicule others are trying to cover up the fact that they feel inadequate / dull / afraid of not fitting in themselves.  it really saddens me to hear that adults still have to deal with that kind of crap.  bad enough it happens when we’re kids. 

[Author]

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