Winning over a terrified bun

[SpazJumps]

When we made the decision to adopt two rabbits in November, my boyfriend was fully supportive. And he was patient with them at first. However, unfortunately, I’ve learned that he’s probably one of the worst people to own a rabbit because he has no patience and doesn’t know how to control his temper. His previous pet experience has been isolated to big dogs that his family kept outside – and you can’t treat a rabbit like a german shepherd!

Much to my disapproval and pleading, if they misbehaved, he would pick them up by their scruff and throw them in their cage, then slam the cage door. Sometimes, he would spray them with water until they were soaking, way past when the bad deed was done. He would order me not to comfort them after his tirades because he thought it would teach them that what they did was OK after all, so they would sit petrified in their cage, hiding in the litterbox all night. And I couldn’t do anything because he’d start yelling at me and threaten to get rid of them. In shorter terms, he’s been pretty abusive to them.

It’s no wonder, then, that they’re completely terrified of him. If I let them out when he’s not home, they’ll happily run around and explore. But as soon as they see him, they run to their cage and stay there. Not even treats will lure them out. Now he gets pissed that the rabbits won’t do anything and fear him, and he doesn’t want them in the apartment if they don’t like him. It’s an ultimatum now: either the bunnies get over their fear soon or we have to give them up. Or I move out and take the bunnies…which seems more and more appealing as more issues in our relationship pop up, but we’ll try the first route first.

Are there any ways to help reassure rabbits and get them over their fear of an abuser? Admittedly, he’s been making an effort to be nice to them for the past month after he realized how much I care about them. He doesn’t yell or handle them roughly, only gives them a quick spray if they don’t respond to their name and a warning thump on the ground, and he’ll quietly sit by the cage on the floor with the door open, trying to win them over. My white one, the bolder of the two, is ok with him. She doesn’t act happy, but she’ll approach him. He says that’s fine. My black one still avoids him. Even if she’s eating, and he reaches out to pet her, she’ll stop mid-chew and run into the litterbox. She has a really good memory, so I don’t know how to convince her that the “new boyfriend” won’t hurt her.

I don’t know what to do. Help, anyone?

 

[JK]

This really disturbs me.  I’m actually getting chills when I read this. This is such abuse.  If he reacts to an animal this way what will he do to you when something goes wrong.  I would not tolerate that behavior no matter what.  I say dump him and take those poor rabbits. They are just tiny helpless creatures and they will never respond to your bf in a positive way. I am so saddened by this. He is not worth it in my book.

[Beka27]

he sounds horrible. they have every right to be frightened of him. he did not train them to behave, he trained them to be scared of him. as much as i hate to say it, they need out of that atmosphere, with or without you. i think that if you won’t (or can’t) leave, you should find them another home where they won’t have to live in fear. that kind of abuse, even for just a few months, is enough to make them unsocial for life. buns don’t forget stuff like that easily. i wonder if you contacted the rescue they came from if they would take them back. some will.

[MarkBun]

Yeah, it would take a lot of work, time and effort on his part to try and win the buns back over – and he doesn’t seem like that type. There’s no magical trick that will get him back into their good graces. My Dono is afraid of me and all I did to earn that was brush him. It’s gonna take me a couple of weeks to get him to a point where I can actually pet him without him running away as soon as he sees my hand.

[bunnytowne]

first thing I thought was get rid of the bf   he is abusive adn what will he do to you as time goes on. was my first impression.  and the buns may now fear males due to his abuse. poor things. shame on him. I don’t blame the buns for their fear what does he do to them when you aren’t there also. hmmm. something to think on.    I have had to teach my  hubby too he would yell at them I told him he is only scaring the bun so he quit he didnt’ know and learned quick how to treat them. cuz honestly he didn’t know he never had pets b4. he doesn’t handle them tho. says thats my dept hehe. I let him hold the girl she likes him. good thing. I am glad.

[Scarlet_Rose]

SpazJumps,

I am going to be very frank and honest with you here and please try not to take it hard and truly I am only thinking of you.  That being said, I will begin:

Any person whom acts this way is not a safe situation for you or the rabbits.  This individual has some serious issues with anger and control and you’ve mentioned that there are some other surrounding “issues” that are making you wonder.  I am very glad that you are not married and have the ability to pick up and move. Some real red flags for me are: a short temper, lack of patience, his ordering you around, the throwing of the rabbits, the grabbing them, and the yelling “to teach a lesson” are serious signs of an abuser.  He should get some help for this from a professional as he may only be acting in the way in which he was treated as a child, who knows and I am not trying to make excuses for him either.   When rabbits are grabbed by the scruff the tissue underneath is torn (it is very painful), the rabbits are scared to death and if he really scares them, they can die.  I do appreciate that he is trying, but results do not happen overnight either. Here is some info on what constitutes abuse in Boston and the connection to domestic violence/child abuse: http://www.cityofboston.gov/animalcontrol/a&n_examples.asp

It is not likely these rabbits are going to change towards him (you’ve already indicated the long memory with one of them), I am not sure how long the imprinting of this ”model” will last on them either.  Rabbits are a different creature and are of far different demeanor compared to the dogs he is used to, they need, kind, gentle tenderness and positive reinforcement, and my word, if that’s how he treats dogs too….I would burn rubber on the pavement getting my fanny away from there.

It is not worth hanging around for him and for him to change either, there are other fish out there and I would not be surprised that before long, he will start on you (it sounds like he already has) and you do not want to be put in a situation where you are trapped in a marriage and/or have a child with this person.  Think about the role model he would be.  So, seriously hon, get yourself out of there, do not tell him about your plans, do not tell him where you are going to live, cut the ties completely and do not continue a relationship with him after leaving.  You leave and DO NOT look back.  Often persons of this type tell you how much they miss you etc., etc. and put themselves on their best behavior to get you back, say that they have changed etc.  It is a very common pattern and believe me, only after months of some serious therapy and learning to change (if even willing) would he be better and it just is not worth it.  Trust me, I’ve been there, done that.

I know you are concerned about any future boyfriends and my advice to you is this: You tell them and show them all about the rabbits and say, the rabbits stay, if you can’t live with it or have issues, then this is just not a good match and I am sure that you will find someone else who you are more compatible with.  Love on your snugglebuns, teach them to trust humans again by bonding with them on the floor, establish their “safe haven” away from humans and most of all, be gentle and understanding.

Lastly, be sure you know your rights, MA is one state where you are well and solidly protected from abuse and anyone stalking you.

http://www.cityofboston.gov/police/divisions/dv_laws.asp

 

[Bunstheboss]

That situation is not fair for you and least of all for those poor animals. It is definitely no excuse that he has had dogs before, not rabbits. Dogs shouldn’t be abused either, and to me that is abusing. In the case of rabbits, I am afraid it is even harder to win them over. And to be honest, I would not trust sb like him. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. If I were in your place, I would quit that relationship. Those rabbits deserve a happy life, and so do you.

[rabbitsmba]

This makes me so incredibly sad. How do you not worry about those bunns 24 hours a day? What happens when you are not home and he is?

Those bunnies need to be away from your boyfriend. Either find them a new home or ditch this guy. I know it’s so easy for all of us who don’t know you or him or your exact situation to just come out and say things like this, but sometimes objective and honest eyes are what you need to see through.

There is no way you can get these bunnies to like your boyfirend. I would even go so far as to say he is jealous of them and the relationship they have with you. This man is no good for them – and quite franky, for you either.

I’m so sorry. Good luck.

[BinkyBunny]

Rabbits do have long memories, and humans can take even longer to change for the “long-term”. Short bursts of improvement does not mean all is changed and good. It means he was able to hold off his temper so far, but usually change happens over time and with work, not just by willing it to go away.

My bunny Rucy was treated poorly before i got her, and it took her YEARS to trust. And like markus’s bunny, my own bunny Jack will run away from me the day after a brushing and nail clipping session. Right now they are not fond of me because I have to give Rucy meds everyday and they are insecure with some spacial changes we’ve made. So I can only imagine what they would do if they were treated like your boyfriend treated them. They are prey animals and so they will not learn by being “attacked”. They will go into survival mode, and whatever “behaviors” he was trying to curb may only get worse (especially if it had to do with marking or urinating), and then of course to his own continued frustration, they may reject him or not accept him fast enough for his liking.

Their memories are long when it comes to fear. ESPECIALLY since they are prey animals. I am afraid to tell you how to get your boyfriend back in good graces with your bunnies until your boyfriend has made some major long-term changes. We can all make changes. Anger and lack of patience is one of the hardest things to change because it is never about the actual thing that makes a person angry. But it’s easy for angry people to blame all the stuff around them since it always seems to be an “external” source that triggers it. And there are always, always, always external triggers. Those will never go away. Many times a short-temper is a life-long pattern, or a feeling of always being tread upon, or an internal pain that makes even little things more unbearable, or whatever it is that triggers that person’s anger, but it’s the external stuff that people actually transfer their anger at. It is a hard internal battle that your boyfriend will have to overcome if this is typical for him. Not just for you, not just for the bunnies but in order to find peace within himself. But only he will really be able to do that. You can’t change him long-term. Change can happen if the person really works on it but it usually doesn’t happen even within a few months.

If you ever find yourself staying in a situation that puts your animals in harms way then at least place your bunnies with someone safe even if it’s temporary while things are being worked on, and don’t bring them back into a situation until you know  (not hope) that they will be treated well.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.

[SpazJumps]

I used to really worry about them when they were home alone, but I learned that if they just stayed in their cage, they wouldn’t get into any trouble and he wouldn’t punish them. I feel like he’s reformed a lot lately and I don’t worry about him being alone with them anymore. He knows that he messed up big time and he’s been really sweet with them because I can tell he’s pained by knowing there’s no way that they’ll ever forgive him completely. Throughout owning them, he’s been pretty responsible with them otherwise, splitting vet bills, helping me clip their nails, feeding them if I can’t get home by their dinnertime (6:30-7:00). I tend to make him sound completely heartless when I’m pissed off at him.

Rabbitsmba, you are completely right that he’s jealous of my relationship with the buns. Since my personal relationship feels like it’s going down the tubes, it feels like the rabbits are the only source of love I have so I spend lots of time with them. He feels like I’m giving up on him, and instead of putting forth the effort to fix things, I’m off playing with the rabbits.

I have thought about moving out before. Part of it is financial, part of it is that I keep trying to give him another chance. Because my job doesn’t pay that well and Boston rent is so high, I’m always barely able to get by after rent and bills. The idea of having to put down first month, security, broker fee, and hire movers by myself has always stopped me – plus, I’d still have to find a new roommate and wade through applicants on Craigslist. My parents are struggling with their own financial woes, so I don’t ask them for money. As for the guy, he’s really great when he’s not stressed out. I can say that he’s honestly really trying to make up for being awful to the rabbits before and isn’t abusing them anymore. Nevertheless, I know I’m not going to marry him – I’ve been dating him for about 3.5 years and it doesn’t feel like our relationship has that “forever” quality to it. And yes, as I saw by how he treated the rabbits, I wouldn’t want to have a kid with him. It’s just a matter of trying to find the right time to end things.

I think that the best solution might be to put them back into the care of HRN until I figure things out or until someone else adopts them, as much as it pains me. I love my cuties so much, and the idea of them getting put into foster care – separated, surrounded by lots of strange buns, and in a tiny cage again – is another reason why I kept them instead of giving them up right away. But just because I love them, and they love hanging out with me, doesn’t mean that I’m being fair to them.

[JK]

In this case I agree that you should take them back to HRN for their safety. I know how hard this may be but you need to think of them first. You are in a very tough situation but it is obvious you care very much for your bunnies. You say he’s great when not stressed – well guess what, life is FULL of stress. I wish you all the luck in the world to get out of this very unhealthy relationship. Take care and let us know what you do.

[rabbitsmba]

SpazJumps, I’m really sorry for your situation. From what you’ve said, I think deep down you know what is best, it’s just going to take some figuring out. I really hope you are able to find a wonderful, loving home for them. And one for yourself as well. You all deserve it. Best of luck.

[Beka27]

it pains me that you have to give up your buns. it really does. but they will always be limited if they stay. is there anyone you know, friend or family who is an animal lover and will commit to learning and providing proper rabbit care in the meantime? knowing that your buns were waiting for you would be an excellent motivator to getting out.

[Kokaneeandkahlua]

I’m sorry…but I do agree you should give them up.

To be honest, IMO, he shouldn’t be around them. He’s abusive. There’s a fine line between disicipline and abuse, and he’s so far over it he can’t even see the line. You should definitely give the rabbit’s up for the time being.

I know this isn’t the place to discuss it, but having a mom who worked with abused women and having volunteered in a women’s shelter myself; I can’t help but worry for you too in this situation. Whether or not he’s ever turned physically on you there are other types of abuse (mental, financial etc. etc.) and I am worrying for you. Financial reasons are always a big reason battered women stay with the batterer. If you are considering leaving him, I STRONGLY urge you to do some reasearch first…This is when battered women are in the most danger-when they leave. If you do leave, and don’t tell him and get some help going.

Please don’t be offended by me at all. I’m not trying to insinuate anything or judge at all. I’m just worried as tempers like that, well they are dangerous. Please don’t be upset by me. Sorry you are in this situation (with the buns) and I hope it works out for you. ***VIBES** for your bunnies and you.

[Sage Cat]

This whole situation is very worrisome. But mostly I am worried about you!

I had an abusive boyfriend when I was in college. The emotional abuse was far worse than the physical abuse – and I did not even realize I had been abused until 6 months after I was out of the situation. Some of the things you have said are EXACTLY like some of the things I said at the time:
he’s jealous of my relationship with the buns – what about your relationships with friends?
he’s really great when he’s not stressed out – I bet he can be incredibly charming when he wants.
if they just stayed in their cage, they wouldn’t get into any trouble and he wouldn’t punish them – how long till this becomes you!

it doesn’t feel like our relationship has that “forever” quality – yet you have dated for 3.5 years – I find this very troublesome. Why are you staying with some one when you know it won’t be forever? Could it be that part of you thinks you deserve this relationship?

You said that you have thought about moving out – here are some ideas:
If you find someone looking for a room mate you don’t have to pay first month, security and broker fee. Don’t hire movers, a U-haul truck is about $20. Your parents may have their own financial issues but, I bet they would help you move your stuff!

Craigs-list seems a whole lot easier that The stress you have described in your posts.

Please understand – I realize we can all be a bit opinionated – But, we are not here to judge – just help.

[Beka27]

sage cat has some excellent points. i have not been in this situation personally, but i like her idea of looking for someone already established and seeking a roommate. i think your story in itself is enough to make people want to help you. or is there anyway you could move back home with your parents and give them a certain amount each month for rent to help them in their own situation, and try and save a bit of money to move out in a year or so? i know you love your buns, so if you could all get out of the situation and have each other to lean on, i think that would be best for everyone.

[Sage Cat]

SpazJumps – are you there?

I hope we did not scary you away.

[SpazJumps]

No, I’ve been reading the posts. It’s just tough because I don’t want to run to call him abusive and just leave him without saying anything. We’ve been through a lot together, and he’s been a stable source of support whenever I had trouble dealing with stress in school or when I was unhappy at my first job and whenever I have trouble with my parents. My family is in California and he’s been there for me too many times to throw him under the bus. He’s really not that bad. I believe that despite his short temper, he genuinely cares about me. Our relationship isn’t working out perfectly, so that does mean we have to split up, but not in such an abrupt “He’ll beat me if I stay” way.

He got the bunnies because he wants me to be happy, and we’ve been keeping the bunnies because he knows I love them. He certainly doesn’t get anything out of it: the bunnies get hair all over the place and smell like urine & hay when their boxes need to be changed and it drives his OCD personality nuts (hence why we have 2 air filters, a constant supply of tape rollers, and vacuum/Swiffer every few days), and he’s taking daily allergy medication just to live with them. He came from a family that didn’t think much of animals – when they tired of a dog, they’d trade it in for another from the pound, and they never took the time to housebreak or train them. In the years I’ve known them, they’ve had at least six dogs. So my whole thing with the bunnies is completely new to him. He knows now that if we get rid of the bunnies, I’ll be unhappy, which is why he’s making such an effort to win them over now.

I know it’s no excuse. But I’m working to figure out how to pretty much break from what’s been my world for the past few years. It’s stressful. I’m not the type to go “The bunny forum people say that you’re going to kill me! I’m leaving now, and you’ll just have to figure out how to put your life back together! No hard feelings, k?”

[babybunsmum]

i totally understand that you do not want to see your situation as being abusive where you have to plan an escape route & then bolt as though your life is in danger.  but your bunnies really were in mortal danger when he’d throw them into their cage out of anger.  you absolutely do not have to continue to be accepting or accomodating if another situation like what you describe arises.  like binky bunny mentioned… the reasons behind angry behaviour like what you have mentioned – no matter how few or far between they are – do not just go away on their own.  nor are we stuck with them and incapable of change.

you’re always the ultimate decision maker in your own life no matter what any one here or any where else says or thinks.  but i think right now you’re defending him because your heart is clinging on when your head already knows it’s over.  your heart & head have to be in the same place before you can make a desicion & feel good about it but regardless of your feelings you do have a responsibility to protect your bunnies since they are not with your bf of their own accord. 

why wait until there’s a crisis to break up with him if you know it’s over?  think about that.  also, think if he were the one telling people that your relationship is over but he’s staying because you’ve been good to him.  would you want that?  i wouldn’t.  i think the fair thing to do is to take steps to end the relationship because you feel it’s over and not wait until another angry outburst happens. 

in the meantime if he *does* start showing signs of quick temper thats a good time to change your reaction, to show him you will not tolerate childish angry outburts and calmly ask him to leave until he composes himself.  if he truly is a support to you he will support you in this too.  if he reacts with even more exaggerated anger then it’s time to call the police so he knows you are not going to put up with his anger.  i think standing your ground is important unless you can see he may actually lay an angry hand on you or the bunnies, in which case i would walk out with the buns ina  carry case & not return without a police escort.  seriously.  that’s what police are there for. 

i know all of this sounds dramatic and as if it would never apply to you.  hopefully it would never come to this.  BUT you have to have a firm plan in mind ahead of time so you can follow through with it & not be at all tolerant of angry & disrespectful behavior.  its just not okay.  no matter what some one has done for you in the past.

[Sage Cat]

We have an air filter and a constant supply of tape rollers, too. Luckily, I like the smell of hay.

It is so sad that he was raised to not care about animals. Babybunsmum had a good point with “if he *does* start showing signs of quick temper calmly ask him to leave until he composes himself. If he truly is a support to you he will support you in this too.”

Time and patience is the only way to win over any animal.

It is extremely stressful when your life gets turned upside down. Think about what you want, what will make you happy. If we can help – We are here.

[Deleted User]

Hey SpazJumps–i just read your post and wanted to say good luck w/ whatever you decide to do. i know how it feels to be in a dead end relationship–you know you want out but its hard when its all you’ve known and no matter what, i’m sure you love him! At least if you do break up now before something bad happens, there is more of a chance you can stay friends, b/c i’m sure you really have been through a lot together. Its especially hard when you weigh the bad times against the good and the good always seems to prevail–but let me say this: If you really know you don’t want to marry him, break up now before it gets harder to do. I’m 22 years old and divorced and I wish I would’ve realized what I wanted before the wedding day.

Good luck sweetie–keep us posted!

[SpazJumps]

Thanks for all of the support. I don’t really know what I want, which is a problem. I’m probably being unrealistic when I expect the kind of love you find in romance novels, where they’re just so in love that everything works – he’ll do anything for her, she can’t live without him, etc. But I also know that things could be a lot worse than how they are now. My biggest fear is that I’ll go through all the trouble of breaking up and moving out, and I’ll regret it later.

The bunnies are doing well. I don’t think that they’re at all depressed or sad, despite all that they’ve gone through. Normal eating, pooping, playing, binkying, flopping. They both let the bf approach them and pet them, finally. He’s learned not to talk loudly and to get closer to the floor. I recently gave the buns more access to my dining room and they seem to love playing with my curtains from IKEA that have a leaf print on them. They hide behind them and peek through the sheer areas – I think it makes them feel like they’re outside hiding in a bush or something. http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/20122208

[BinkyBunny]

What concerns me is this complete turnaround from your first post to this one, but I wish you all the best in figuring out what is right for you and what is safe for the bunnies.

One thing to note – I don’t think that real relationships should ever be compared to fantasy romance novels. No man nor woman could ever live up to those, but just because no one could live up to those expectations doesn’t mean that you have to settle for so little either. Bursts of compassion, moments of tenderness and charisma, do not make up for other behaviors that can tear you up and stress you out.

I think the answer of whether to stay or go will have to just come from within you. And I think the best way to feel confident in whatever decision you make will be if you focus on finding your own strengths, self-esteem and confidence. Then fear of making the wrong choice, fear of not being able to make it, fear basically of the unknown won’t seem so scary anymore because you will have your own strengths to lean on.

Good luck, but please whatever you do, be sure to make sure that your rabbits are out of harms way. They have no choice in this, and please, please don’t make the mistake of trusting someone too quickly. Time, lots of time, really does end up showing the real truths.

[Author]

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