Toxic friends

[Madwirka]

Hey guys, this isn’t bunny related, sorry, I just really need help with something in my life, although my bunny is helping me with my emotional support lol! Recently I haven’t been wanting to spend time with one of my friends, I don’t feel like I enjoy being around her and she has told me in the past that nothing makes her happy including the time we spend together (way to make someone feel special!). She is very narcissistic and never apologizes for anything. She forgets me whenever something else comes along and is mean to some of our mutual friends, playing it off as a joke, but it seems hurtful. I have been thinking of cutting her out of my life because I’ve been trying to work through some depression and anxiety of my own and it feels that if Im friends with her I’ll be stuck in it due to her negative outlook. However, despite these bad things we have had good times and have to go to school together for another year. I don’t know what to do! I️ feel guilty about cutting her out of my life, but I also feel it’s necessary for my wellbeing. I’ve been caught asking myself the question Is she a toxic friend or am I? Sorry again that this isn’t bunny related, I didn’t know where else to ask

[Madwirka]

Just forgot to add she’s very controlling and clingy, and some of my other friends have agreed. Me and another friend are trying to cut her out of our life but this also makes me feel bad because I don’t want to leave her without friends and be the reason. Should I be feeling guilty? Should I️ cut her out?

[Deleted User]

I actually cut loose my best friend of 21 years last May. It was a very difficult decision, but honestly it has been so rewarding. We met at church when we were both 5 and clicked instantly. We we’re attached at the hip from then on. When we were in our teenage years we went through similar things at the same time. We were both diagnosed with migraines around the same time. She has bipolar and I have depression. We we’re a match made in heaven, or rather the netherworld. Despite all these things, she was incredibly bossy and would constantly hit me in the head. She would say how much better she was. She would even date the guys I wanted to date to prove she was better than me. Even going to college was a competition.

I got married in 2016, and had her be my matron of honor. Everything had to be her way, and if it wasn’t she’d get upset. She didn’t like the dresses, colors, or venue I picked out. She was already spiteful towards me because I graduated college, then got married 2 years later, whereas she never graduated and chose to get married and have a kid. She resented that I had a good job and made a decent living for being straight out of college. I decided to cut her loose shortly after I started wedding planning because she was just atrocious to my bridesmaids and tried to make it her day. She called the day before my wedding and said she didn’t want any shed blood between us, so she showed up.

The 6 months or so after I got married were a very tumultuous time in my life. My depression took a nasty turn and my husband’s Tourette’s was becoming overwhelming. On top of that my migraines were becoming more frequent and my Grandmother died (we were super close). I really needed to step back and take some space and process things on my own for a bit, and she didn’t really respect that. A coworker of hers died the same day as my Grandmother, and she said that it was selfish of me to process things alone, and that she was more important than anything I was going through.

A few months later her and her husband came to spend a few days with us, and it blew up. I had enough. I was struggling with grad school and my current job. I was unsure if accounting was something I truly wanted to do in life. She berated me the whole stay to just be a nursing assistant and that my student loans weren’t a big deal and I’d manage somehow. On top of that, she put down my entire life. She was commenting on the small size of our apartment, our car, and shaming us for having two good jobs. She either wanted to be better than me or worse than me. She could never let us have our separate lives. She always had to outdo me.

She went back to Ohio, and I haven’t talked to her since. I didn’t even tell her. She knew for years what bothered me most, and it didn’t matter. Talking to her wouldn’t have done anything because it never did, so I just stopped answering her calls and texts. Almost one year later, and it has felt amazing to not have to be dragged down all the time. Your true friends will want to build you up and see you succeed, no matter what. True friends don’t mean you talk every day or even every month. It means they are there for you when life is at it’s worst, and they help build you up into the best version of yourself.

[Madwirka]

I’m so sorry about that, that sounds like a really tough time, I’m glad it’s been better though and thank you for sharing your story! My friend is also constantly dragging me down and she tries to best me or belittle my struggles, I think I’m going to try to drift away from her as well because I doubt talking will do much. Thank you so much for your help!!

[Muchelle]

Never feel guilty when it’s your wellbeing at stake, I can tell you from experience. I broke up with my best friend about 10 years ago, we both had our troubles and just weren’t compatible anymore. We had a full fledged argument and split our separate ways. Three years passed during which we grew up separately, then by chance met again, clicked again with our matured personalities and are still going strong. If something’s meant to be between two people, it will be when the time is right, we needed to fall apart to be together on a better level So never be afraid to give it a time out and give yourself the time to experience life without a person.

[Cookie and Me]

If being with her is bringing you down, I think you should let go of her. You shouldn’t feel guilty. You are doing what is best for you.
I recently lost my best friend. We were both so similar last year and I really thought that she was my friend. But this year, she started hanging out with another person. This other person was super mean to me and always tried to leave me out. She would say mean things right in front of me and my “best friend” would just agree. We had a big argument. She still wanted to be friends. I said okay. But I tried to stay away from her, because saying no was hard for me. I still see her at school and she is still in my friend group. Thank goodness for my true friends who stood up for me.
Don’t feel guilty to do this. It will be good.

[Madwirka]

Thank you both so much for the advice! I’ve now made up my mind to distance myself. I used to go to breakfast with her everyday (I go to a school that offers breakfast lunch and dinner), and told her yesterday that I needed to stop because I always eat unhealthy at school and I have been trying to eat healthier and I need the extra sleep per doctors orders, and she didn’t respond to my text and proceeded to spread the rumor to our mutual friends that I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore, which I had never said, and is currently ignoring me. If she can’t respect my decisions and care enough about my wellbeing to understand my reasoning then she isn’t a true friend. Thank you so much for helping me see that this change is needed and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it, I really appreciate it!!

[Azerane]

I’m sorry to hear about your situation though can certainly understand it. If she’s ignoring you and blaming you and you’re trying to distance yourself from her, use it to help you do so. Your true friends will make themselves known along the way and won’t let her get to them. School is a tough situation to make new friends in or break from friends in, but it can certainly be better in the long run. I have few friends, but I know they’re loyal friends.

I remember being in primary school, one year my “best friend” was a girl who shared the same name as me, though not much else. She claimed to be my friend but for some reason would talk about me behind my back or ignore me at lunch time or when it suited her. I don’t know if you’re familiar with connector pens but they were a popular texta/marker at the time that joined together. We both had some and she told me that she’d lost her red one. Wouldn’t you know it the next day she had a red one again and mine was missing. I called her out on it but she denied it. I just took it back when she wasn’t looking. We didn’t stay friends long.

[JPetrucci84]

Hey there!

Sorry to hear about your recent disagreements with your friend. I know it sucks when you feel like a major social relationship is at a halt because of one’s behavior. I’ve considered it myself, just because I don’t feel like their lifestyle is something that I want to be a part of. Have you talked to her about her behavior, her off the cuff remarks that are hurtful, etc.? I think before you decide to cut her off completely, I would consider talking to her about her behavior, and if she continues then you should limit contact. I think the fact that both of you don’t feel like you enjoy being around each other is a hint as well. Also, please consider setting a boundary of limiting (or eliminating) hurtful comments and such when in your presence with this person. I think that after all of this, if you still don’t like to be around her, definitely consider taking a break. It doesn’t have to be permanent, just long enough for you to decide if its really the right thing to do. Good luck.

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