Nine months later and I cry in my cubicle

[Adam]

Her last days, as I looked for something that might help: https://binkybunny.com/forums/topic/rabbit-has-fluid-around-lungs-looking-for-treatment-options/

Doesn’t help that I have a couple pictures of her to look at every day, but I won’t forget her, she deserves to be remembered.  My brain though, once it goes down these tracks it just won’t stop until it has destroyed my soul for the day.

I think about all the things she did with her sassy behavior that I’ll miss, her funny oinks of disapproval, her loud tooth purring, she just had a big personality. Sometimes out of nowhere she would thump and run for cover and refuse to come out, giving another thump or two. I never could figure out what scared her, or if it was a bout of anxiety like her daddy sometimes gets, but I would comfort her and appeal to her never-ending appetite to get her through it.

And unfortunately I also think a lot about the last two days of her life. The mistakes I made, the questions unanswered, the fact that she lived for 9 years never making any sound but those above until her last hour, I wish I could unhear it, and I’m just so broken now.

[LBJ10]

Hi Adam! I remember your bunny and I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s important to focus on the 9 years she had with you. She was loved and well taken care of. Don’t let a couple of days, where you were still trying your best given the circumstances, cloud all the wonderful years you had with her. We all think we could have done things differently. But, at the end of the day, doing things differently may not have lead to a different outcome. Sometimes there just isn’t anything we can do.

[jerseygirl]

My heart goes out to you and I’m sorry for your loss.  You are among people who know this pain, this melancholy, so well. Truly.

It can be hard to express it and especially hard to explain to those who haven’t loved animals or don’t understand that a rabbit can be a cherished family member. She does deserve to be remembered.

Although forums have become less utilised with the advancement of other social media, there is still something about places like this that feel comforting. A tiny corner of the world wide web where you can connect with people who get it.

I had had an awareness that rabbits can have vocalisations in the dying phase but when I experienced it with one one my rabbits and it was very jarring, despite vaguely knowing beforehand. We’re sort of programmed to associate those sounds with distress and hurt and it contributes to our feelings of helplessness in that moment.   But it helped me revisit the topic of the agonal phase and review my experience with that filter. It doesn’t take away the memory, just helps process things I guess.

When you have an animal companion that is pretty reliant on us for their well-being, our sense of responsibility can extend to things that are actually beyond our control. We’re thrown a curve-ball and need to make decisions quickly and going in pretty blind and pretty emotional. I think we forget that afterward.
When we go back over and question everything we did or didn’t do. We didn’t get to see where path A or path B would take us beforehand. We so often don’t get clarity from a vet which path to choose. We don’t get the guarantee that one path will take us to a different place to the other either.   The mind can be cruel and  keep you in a loop where you fear you may have failed them… i know that happens to me…And I know it’s  really not fair to think that way too.  We need give ourselves some grace.

We mustn’t negate all the  decisions we made that resulted in giving them a home where they thrived for years  <3

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