Need advice for Christmas with a freshly broken family…

[Lion_Lop_Lover]

Things are bad with my family right now. For the past several years my parents have been heading towards divorce, so the past several christmases have been very tense, very emotional and very difficult.

But this one is not looking good. My dad said he isn’t living at home anymore, and that he will only ‘visit’ for Christmas; he won’t even be there overnight for Xmas eve/Xmas morning; I said please for the family, but he said Mom doesn’t want it and he doesn’t.

And they are both just so childish and immature about this entire issue; I honestly don’t even want to go home for Christmas. I know it’s stressful, it has been every year and I’ve managed to see the family fake their way through my trips home.

But I want a happy Christmas for once in my life. And I asked dad, please can you guys just TRY for our sake (me and my brother) and he basically said no.

I’ve never had to deal with this level of bad before.  I’m crying my eyes out and I don’t know what to do about this.

[bunnytowne]

When a family parts like that it is so hard for the 2 who split to be around each other for a while. And in the future it looks like there will be seperate holidays one at Dads house the other at Mom’s. Or the day b4 a holiday at one or the other parents.

My parents split when I was a young teen. So they usually split the time. One had me for the xmas eve the other for xmas day at grandmas. I couldn’t bear the fighting so I was somewhat glad when they divorced cause I didn’t have to hear them fighting all the time. Sad too of course but the stress and tension were gone and that felt good.

You can’t realy make people be  happy for xmas or any holiday for that matter. Sometimes you just have to accept these things. It won’t be easy at first. I know it hurts and you aren’t happy about this.  Perhaps spend xmas eve at dads and the xmas day at mom’s or vice versa.

I can only imagine how hard it will be for your parents to both be together seething and disliking each other.  There will still be some tension if  they try to spend the whole hoilday together.

Maybe this year if you go to ones for eve the others for xmas day there will be less stress for the whole family. I know you mentioned tension and stress in previous holidays.  Maybe they being apart will lesson the stress and tension and you may  have a more relaxing hoiday this year.

I am not trying to be ugly or anything about this situation. I hope you dont’ take what I am saying in a bad way. I do not mean any mean thing at all. Just giving some insight from another perspective.

May you and your brother and parents have the best holiday possible this year no matter what happens. And your buns too Can’t forget the buns

[RabbitPam]

Bunnytowne has some good insights. Her experience points out some important issues going on that makes it hard for all of you.

I had one suggestion you might mull over, if not for this year than possibly for next: consider starting some new traditions in your own home. You have a great new house, lots of loving animals, and a brother, mother and father who may be flexible enough to visit you, possibly at different times. Maybe a stay at your Mom’s house Xmas eve, then midday come home and have a nice dinner with your Dad (bring your brother with you) at your place. You could decorate the way you like, have special things ready for them to make it festive for yourself and them. That way, you can have new, fresh memories you will build on for years to come. Start a tree and make a habit of collecting ornaments. Maybe get each bunny, pig and horse an ornament. I just think it might make your own home feel like a cozy sanctuary for them to visit, rather than a lonely place you leave for a lost childhood. You’re not really losing them, but your parents are trying to start new chapters in their lives as well. New things have a way of becoming traditions in only two years in a row.

[PeppersMama]

My mom left my dad when i was a senior in highschool almost ready to graduate. she moved about 3 hours away to live someone she met on the internet. Since then my mom and I have had a rocky relationship but we are trying desperately to repair it.

The holidays make it very hard on those of us who have two seperate parents to worry about. My mom and dad ended badly so they dont really talk to eachother any more. I would rather be with my dads family on holidays, but of course i cant do that to my mom. So My grandmas is the 24th, dads the 25th and moms the 26th (she still lives an hour and a half away, she moved closer but not much.). Theres so much tension between me and my mom, i try to do anything i can to make her happy, but she feels like shes missed out on a part of my life (which she did) and shes trying to make up for it but i dont have time with college and all kinds of other things going on to see her as often as she wants. so when it comes to the holidays things have to be her way or she gets very emotional.

One thing i have learned is there really isnt anything you can do to fix or change what happened or what is happening. All you can do is help them through it. and even though you didnt ask for this stress and tension, all you can do is cope with it. I do my best i can for them each holiday while also trying to keep myself and my animals comfortable and happy.

I know that having your parents together right now would be what would make you happy, but look to the good side. things will get better. you never know how much time it will take but things will get better and just try to cope with it while its in the process.

I hope you have a good holiday despite it all and trust me, everything will be fine and get better. it always does

[KatnipCrzy]

I think that the tension of pretending to be happy and getting along as a family can only make things worse.  If things are not going to change, which is what it sounds like- I recommend like some other people have already said to start new traditions.  Even though your family may not “be together” at least you still have your family and that is a postive aspect to focus on.

This will be the second Christmas since my Dad died, and things are very different.  My Mom can not bear to go Christmas shopping as my Dad did all the gift shopping the last couple of years before he died since he was retired.  My Dad used to put up a lot of lights and decorations too.  My Mom puts up a tree and a few lights and doesn’t really buy presents- but that is OK.  That is her way of dealing with it.

I have a lot of crappy personal stuff going on right now and am dreading going home for the holidays- but since I don’t have much of a choice I will go and pretend to be OK, but it is really mentally and physically draining to act like things are OK when they really aren’t.

Even though this Christmas will be rough- every year it should get a little easier and not so tough.  You won’t forget but you will change and adapt.

[Sarita]

Everyone has great insights into this.

I remember going through this as 18 when my parents split up which was ages and ages ago. I felt uncomfortable around both my parents during this time and I know they felt uncomfortable around each other too. So I always thought it was best to spend time separately with them. It’s not the same but it was better I guess. I think the first year is hardest but as the years go by, it does get easier (emotionally) but never easier parceling your time between divorced parents (it gets almost resentful, until you just decide oh about 25 years later that you just need to chill out).

I hope you can have a good holiday despite the tensions and hurt feelings.

[Kokaneeandkahlua]

LL *hugs*

Advice for you:
*Know that your parents both love you. They are dealing with a hard thing right now and don’t have the capacity to behave how you wish they could.
*Try not to stress about it, knowing that things will get better, and that you’ll be stronger for it.
*Take a bath, yell and cry, cuddle with your furry family-go ride your horses
*Know you have a whole furry family and a virtual bunny family here for you.

For dealing with it;
* try not to get emotional with them, try not to get caught up in anything.
*If they try using you against the other plainly say “I’m not comfortable with what your saying/doing/asking me to do/telling me to do etc etc” *Clearly stating the facts about your emotions helps people understand.
S*ay how they are making YOU feel rather then criticize what they are going-point out the impact on you.

Above all, it’s just a holiday on a calander and a day to get through for some people. Try not to let it get you down. In a few sleeps it’s a new year. *hugs*

[Lion_Lop_Lover]

Thank you guys, for your help…I really do appreciate it.
Always can rely on you guys to help me through things

[Sage Cat]

I’m sorry You and your family are having to go through this. Keep in mind it is probably really hard on your parents too.
It may be hard right now, eventually it will work out.

Several years ago, I had a disastrous Holiday trip to San Antonio – where my family lives. Including, Kennel problems, missed flights, ice storms, a lost wedding ring, bad hotels, etc. . . I hate traveling this time of year.
I told my family that I would not be going to San Antonio for Christmas any more, but I would happily come other times of the year. They all understand. Christmas is now simple and more enjoyable for all of us.

[babybunsmum]

(((lion lop)))  sorry you’re dealing with this.  it must suck.

i had an awful time at christmas after dad died… not the same thing i know BUT the similarity is that things weren’t the way they used to be or the way i wanted them to be and there was nothing i could do to change it back.  i like the ideas suggested to start a new tradition.  this is what my family did and it really really helped.  we still missed dad terribly but we took some comfort in our new traditions and we were less painfully reminded of his absence since they were brand new.  some of my new traditions i did on my own without my sis or mom… like making a point to goto visit friends & spend time with people who i feel good around and who are in the midst of their ‘normal festivities’.  that way i could take a break from my icky feelings.  you know how movie ads sometimes say ‘opening christmas day’?  one year my sis and i went to a movie on xmas day!   that was fun and really different.

i hope you find a way to tailor your christmas differently so its very special to YOU.  big warm hugs.

[iriswarrior1]

What beautiful people you all are!

LL, you’re turning out to be a very special 21 yr old, so try to remember……It’s not YOUR job to fix your family. All of you have to work at it, and you cant start until your mom and dad are ready.

Life is sometimes hard. Bonds are made, and sometimes broken, but just as KAK said, your mom and dad may no longer be in love, but they still love you.

There is a saying in Japanese: Keisoku wa chikara nari–continuance is strength, or in a more english meaning, perseverence is power. Continuing on after personal grief or setbacks is a power in and of itself, the power to go on living. We don’t really get a choice in the matter, if we want to live, we have to endure grief even as we embrace joy.

I’m so very sorry it’s your time to be sad, but just remember that very soon, it will be your time to be happy. Look forward to that time, and help your family remember this, too.

We all share this with you, and we all have felt as you do. We all also know that, in time, it won’t be as hard as it is now.

[RabbitPam]

Off topic: I can’t believe how much the babies have grown!!! They look wonderful! I just saw your post of them on the breeds post.
God Bless Them Every One.

[Lion_Lop_Lover]

Hey guys…

An update. My mother sent me manipulative, guilt inducing cruel email this morning saying that she is not allowing my father near the house, that she does not consider him family, and that if my brother and i want time with him we have to schedule it.

I feel angry, so angry, and upset. I don’t know how to handle that.

[BunnyMuffin]

Hey LL – sorry to hear about your family. Everyone has given you great advice so far, but I thought I’d chip in my 2 cents.

First, my parents divorced when I was 10, and it was hard and it took a long time for me to totally move past it. The biggest lesson I learned is that I needed to talk about it. I did to some extent with my Mom over the years, but it didn’t quite get me all the way through it because she was involved. I eventually ended up having several long, involved discussions about it with my boyfriend before he was the boyfriend when I was in high school. We met online, so this was before we knew we’d ever meet in person, nevermind end up together for the long run. So it was easy to say exactly what I thought and felt and he was completely objective so he could empathize and see it my way, but also open my eyes to how things were from my parents’ perspectives. So if you need to talk about it and just vent, I’d do that with a good friend or some other more objective person, but not either of your parents. (I didn’t really feel like I could talk about it with my best friend because her Dad passed away when we were 8, so it didn’t feel right to complain to her about my Dad moving out when hers was gone from this world).

That being said – you should definitely ask your parents not to involve you or your siblings in their conflicts. The nice thing about parents getting divorced when kids are young is that they still see the kids as children and think more along the lines of doing what’s best for the kids and not putting them in the middle. But once we get a bit older, they see us as adults and seem to forget that we’re still and always will be their children. So with respect to the email you received from your Mom this morning – I realize it’s upsetting and it’s definitely not okay that she sent it, but vent about it to your friends/loved ones outside the family, and then ask your Mom not to put you in the middle.

Dr. Phil always says that people would rather “be from a broken home than live in one” and I think he really has a good point there. I would rather celebrate Christmas with each of my parents separately and be able to be happy and relaxed than force them to be miserable in the same room and it be tense and uncomfortable for everyone. I remember those last few awkward Christmases where I kept hoping they would get back together, but eventually realized it wasn’t happening and that it was happier when they weren’t together. Try to think of it as double the Christmas instead of half the family – if that makes any sense. But maybe also request from both of your parents (in line with them not putting you in the middle) that neither of them brings up the other parent with you during your time together – ask them to make it special time for you to share with just that parent without bringing up negative emotions about the other.

So I think your Mom has the right to choose who she does and doesn’t want to spend Christmas with and that it probably will be better to celebrate separately, but that she shouldn’t choose to exercise that right using guilt and manipulation. She should also respect the fact that as a result of the separation that you may not spend the entire day with her, but that your scheduling with your Dad might cut into what she sees as “her” time and that she has to be okay with that.

I typically do Christmas Eve with my Mom’s side of the family at my aunt’s house because it’s a big tradition, then open presents Christmas morning with my Mom, drive up to my Dad’s side of the family for the afternoon (they all smoke and I don’t feel very close with them, so my time there isn’t exactly the high light of my holiday – I enjoy seeing my Dad, but not so much with the smoking since I have asthma). Then I change my clothes and go to my other Gramma’s house for dinner with that side of the family. Then Boxing Day varies, but usually I spend some time in the afternoon with just my Dad and his girlfriend. So I everyone in, without all the tension. This year he’s going to Vegas over Christmas, so that’ll change things up a bit.

Another analogy for you. My brother has recently decide that he despises my existence and that I should never have been born – to the extent that he didn’t come to my Mom’s birthday party last year because I was going to be there. So I have proposed that to make things more comfortable for everyone this year that Mom and I open presents together Christmas morning at her house. Then I’ll head over to my Gramma’s early and my brother can come over and do his presents. I’d be surprised if he came to Gramma’s (since I’ll be there) so this way my Mom will still get to see him. I know it will be hard for my Mom to not be able to see her kids together, but it’s better someone (namely me) getting hurt and just “surviving” Christmas morning through a whole lot of tension and anxiety. It’s a little hard to jump for joy when the person across the room is beaming hate at you!

So not quite the same, but you can perhaps see the similarities.

Anyways – this is getting really long and I hope I didn’t lose you already! I hope it helps, but you will all get through it eventually, for better or worse.

[Lion_Lop_Lover]

thanks bunnymuffin; some really good points there…((hugs))

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