my sweet little daisy

[Caroline]

This is really hard. I lost my sweet little two-and-half-pound Daisy unexpectedly three mornings ago and I’m having an impossible time reconciling it. I knew when I rescued her nearly two years ago that she had a history of health issues (a botched spaying had left the potential for reproductive tissue and uterine cancer as well as intestinal issues) but it was love at first sight. And pure love every single day after that. Truly. She was magical. A gift from the universe. A blessing. 

Two years ago, I adopted my silver rabbit Daffodil. She was rescued (along with 100 other bunnies) from a bunny hoarder in Brooklyn, and had clearly had a rough upbringing. I planned to eventually adopt a mate for her but knew that bonding was tricky, so I went forward scheduling bunny speed dates for potential male companions. However, after a visit to the vet for a checkup, we met Daisy and our lives were forever changed.

Daisy had been seeking a forever home for months and was living at the vets office because no one wanted her. The vet believed it was partly because of her health history but mostly because of her little red eyes–which really were so beautiful its hard to believe anyone could be scared of them. Daffodil was so scared to be at the vets office and Daisy had two seconds to make an impression and she did. She immediately approached Daffodil in the waiting room and began grooming her. I knew it was meant to be.

Although bonding two females was tough, it happened in just a few weeks thanks to separate spaces for each of them and a neutral territory in the middle. We were immediately a family. A warren. Daisy’s room was in the living room, where I spend most of my days working (I’m a writer) so I truly spent everyday with her. She was so sweet and social. Always at my feet. Always looking for love. Always looking out for me. Daffodil is not a very social bunny, but thanks to Daisy, over the next few months she began opening up more. My apartment turned into this magical little world complete with two sweet bunnies always at my side and lots of love. 

Three months ago, in October, Daisy had her first stasis episode. I woke up to find her in her litter box, hunched over and breathing heavily. I immediately took her to our vet and she came home three days later on the mend and with critical care and meds in case it happened again.

I feel like I took her recovery for granted. Chalked it up to her being so small but tough–believed she was invincible. So when I woke up Friday to find her hunched over in her one of her bunny hideouts, I was concerned but less panicked. She didn’t seem nearly as sick as she had last time and so I assumed it was more indigestion than anything. I gave her critical care because she wasn’t eating and gas drops, and small doses of her meds to help get her digestive track moving. She seemed to feel better as the day progressed (thanks to lots of tummy rubs) but I decided if she showed no substantial improvements by the morning I would take her to the vet. I will never forgive myself for this.

In the late evening things took a turn for the worst. She seemed to be losing balance and her breathing slowed. By now our vets office had closed at a trip to the doctor meant a long cab ride to the emergency vet (on the other side of Manhattan) and more importantly, putting her in the hands of a not-so-rabbit-savvy doctor. I blew up my air mattress and laid on the floor with her all night with my hand on her. I couldn’t sleep obviously so i just gave her cheek and nose rubs and watched her closely. I asked her, as I had many times before, to tell me when she really needed help. At 4:00am she toppled over on her and I knew this was my sign. I wrapped her up in her blanket and jumped in a cab for a twenty minute drive to the emergency vet. I held her in my arms and told her I loved her the whole ride–and despite dozing in and out of consciousness she stayed with me. When we were on the elevator going up to the second floor vet clinic her little heart was still beating even though she was immobile. However, the second the vet took her out of my arms she passed. I hadn’t even finished telling the receptionist my name and she was gone. I heard one of the vets say that she was “dead on arrival” but it wasn’t true. She stayed with me until I let her go. 

Everything after this was a blur that keeps me up at night. They asked if I wanted to say goodbye and I held her until I couldn’t do anything but let go. I was so traumatized. I didn’t know what to do. I laid her back down on her blanket and inside her carrier but refused to shut the room’s door on her. I went out to receptionist for guidance and could still see her laying there lifeless in her carrier in that cold sterile room. I hadn’t even wrapped her up in her blanket. It was so cold and cruel. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was the last time I ever saw her. 

Ideally I would have had her cremated and brought her ashes home. I still can’t believe I didn’t. I was in such shock I just wanted to escape. I quickly signed a form consenting to a group cremation (no ashes) because all the paperwork for the private cremation felt daunting in this strange and sterile office. I just left her there, unwrapped in her carrier. I will never forgive myself for doing this. I don’t know what I was thinking. The image of her there and thought of leaving her keeps me up at night. I left her side. I failed her.

As hard as it was, I’m so grateful that I got to spend the last day holding and caring for her. She was in my arms and by my side until the second she left. I let Daffodil spend some time with her while she was sick so she could understand what was happening. It was clear she did and so heartbreaking.

Now we’re just grieving. We miss her so much. I feel like I failed her. Like my only job in this world was to protect her and I couldn’t do it. The image of her leaving her there has been traumatizing to say the least. I wish I could do it all over again. I would have taken her to the vet in the morning. I did the wrong thing and I will have to deal with that for the rest of my life. 

I love Daisy so much I don’t know how to go on. I made a shrine for her with a big bouquet of daisies, candles, pics, and her favorite bunny treats. I bring the bouquet of daises to my bed stand at night so I feel like she’s still at my side. It helps to wake up to it.

xx

Caroline

[Muchelle]

Hi Caroline, thanks for sharing your experience with us. You’re a writer, so you must know the power that writing has over processing strong emotions. I hope that letting it all out is helping you and know that we’ll read if you’ll want to write more and look if you’ll want to post pictures and talk about your Daisy (and Daffodil of course).

Right now it must feel like hell, but I truly think you shouldn’t feel guilty. You did all you could and all that felt right at the moment. You were there for her and cared for her and she knew up until her last moment and that’s the only thing that counts. You gotta be strong for little Daffodil now, I’m sure you will help each other make through this horrible moment.

Be strong <3

[September]

Caroline, I am so to hear this about your Daisy. I know all too well the guilt trips we go on, even when there is no rhyme or reason to do so. No matter how our bunnies pass, we all feel we had a choice of some sort and made the wrong one. It is four and a half months since I lost Timothy, and I still cannot make peace with myself that I left him alone to go to work and he had passed away when I got home. His last day, hours, minutes still haunt me because I don’t know what happened. I have the same thoughts as you, that I let him down. But you were with your Daisy until the end, holding her, and I am sure she would know that you were close by, so please try and take some comfort from that.

It is early days yet, and the guilt and grief will get easier, even if it doesn’t go away completely.

Sending hugs and best wishes for you and Daffodil.

Take care

Lynda
xx

[Gordo and Janice]

Crying for you and with you. The passing is always terrible no matter what. Do take comfort in that you were with her. So many in this forum would do anything to have the last moments with their bunny but weren’t given the chance.

The loss and everything being different is new. Time takes the edge off of everything.

My heart goes out to you and Daffodil.

(((Binky free sweet little Daisy)))

[Bam]

I’m so very sorry you lost Daisy. Thank you for giving her a truly great home with you and Daffodil. As for the ashes, it can be a nice thing to have, but deep down we all know what matters is the relashionship we had with our bun and what we did when he/she was alive. You were with Daisy up until the very end. Thanks to you she got to have a life few buns can even dream of.

I hope Daffodil will be ok. I hope you can comfort each other.

Binky free, ****Daisy****

[Milo_Scout]

Caroline, I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are doing well and the pain has subsided a bit. I just lost my bun Milo yesterday very unexpectedly. I don’t know what happened to him, and neither does the emergency vet I took him to. I have another bun, Scout, who seems healthy, but because I don’t know what Milo had I’m worried it could have been contagious and want to get Scout thoroughly examined. Though they are both 4yr, i’ve Only had them for about 4 months and had not found a regular vet for them yet. Would you mind sharing who your normal Brooklyn vet is? I’m in Prospect Heights, so decently central location.

[Flakie]

I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your wonderful bunny Daisy. I too lost my 10 year old Flakie three weeks ago to stasis and gas and stayed with him all night and think I should have done things differently. But I know now we can only do our best for our wonderful bunnies and love them.

Like you I was with my bun in the end holding him crying over his soft fur. I still cry every day but the healing has started and we will think of the wonderful times we had with them.

Binky free Daisy and sending you big hugs x

[Manda]

Caroline, I am so sorry for your loss. I am going through it too as I just recently had to put down my Cinni and she did not want to go but was going downhill very quickly. Please know that Daisy is in a wonderful place and is not suffering anymore. You were an amazing mom to her and she received better treatment than some bunnies get. It is har- I know, but it is our own selfishness that consumes us in our grief. Daisy is still with you during this difficult time, and although you cannot see her and this was a traumatizing experience- she is at peace. Unfortunately I dont think any pet or loved ones death is ever convenient for us and it is never easy to say goodbye. Please know that Daisy was already moving on to a beautiful place and was not feeling anything on the “cold table” where she laid last when you saw her last. I’m not sure if you believe in heaven or are religious but I think if you focus on that it will bring you some peace.

Binky free and be at peace Daisy- may you never worry about stasis again!

[Caroline]

I want to thank everyone for all the kind messages. They’ve really got me through an impossibly tough time. It’s been a little over a month since Daisy passed and although in some ways it has gotten easier, I still feel so sad and guilty all time. On particularly tough days, I try to think out all the things I could have done differently that day that maybe could have saved her. I can’t decide if it makes me feel better or worse.

I still light two candles for her everyday and keep a fresh bouquet of daisies near me at all times. It sounds funny, but it makes me feel like I’m still taking care of her even if its just cutting stems and switching out water.

I also had a photo book made of my favorite photos of her. It helps to look up and see it during the day.

I miss her so much sometimes I can’t take it. I worry if something is wrong with me. But I try to stay positive and remember she had a wonderful life. The grief doesn’t seem to get better just more manageable. I’m not sure it will ever be gone.

Daffodil had a really rough couple weeks but is finally getting better. She drank a lot of water and was super anxious–definitely grieving with us. I’ve adopted another bunny, a Flemish giant mix named Dennis Hopper, to try to bond her with. She went on several speed dates a few weeks ago and Dennis was her pick. They still haven’t bonded and he’s quite the handful, but he definitely has been a big help to both Daffy and me. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t make me miss Daisy even more though. Sometimes I worry I won’t be able to love any bunny ever again like Daisy.

xx
Caroline

[Caroline]

Hi. I take my buns to the Center for Avian and Exotic Medicine on the UWS and they’re wonderful. I’m so sorry to hear about Milo. How are you and Scout holding up? xx

[Caroline]

Thank you Manda. Your words helped me more than I can say. I’m so sorry to hear about Cinni. How are you feeling? xx

[Manda]

Thanks Caroline, I am glad my words could help. I found being on here helped me get through some of the pain too. My grief comes in waves but I am so thankful my Cinni is no longer in pain and I got the 13 years I was lucky to have with her. I too, have felt what more could i have done for her- should I have tried the other remaining two medications to try and manage her pain( I had tried 3)? I should have done this and I should have done that but really- there is no point in thinking that way because really it only hurts us. I ordered a necklace that I can keep a bit of her fur in once I get the clippings back(the vet is holding her body for me until I can bury her in the lovely garden I made last summer that will be her resting spot and that makes me feel better. I am so glad you got another bun- I ended up adopting a young bun myself and I find it is a blessing and also I feel the same- it makes me miss her more Cinni and Mr Buns had such a great love and I just want things to be back to the way were- not having to have the fencing up, knowing that when I am busy around the house they had each other to cuddle. My buns have a bedroom to themselves that I have a baby gate on the door so they are never closed off and just having to divide the room in half makes me feel so bad that the new bun is couped up but i have to wait until she is spayed. Mr Buns seemed a lot happier just having another bunny in the room to talk to- I must say. He went 5 days and I feel like he knew what was happening with Cinni. His ears seemed to bother him and he wouldn’t kick his feet out at all. Just sat in the loaf position. Now that Petunia is a roommate he looks more comforted and is showing his feets again.  I’m looking forward to bonding them.

I think it is helpful that even though times are difficult and it has been a little over a month for you and 3 weeks for me, our pain is still raw but in due time we will have our buns be happy and when we think of our precious bunnies Daisy and Cinni, we will smile and the pain will not be as raw. I can’t imagine loving something as much as i did Cinni and just not feeling any pain of losing her being gone within a month, it is going to take as long as it takes not to hurt any more. So no- nothing is wrong with you- we grieve the way we grieve and time will heal us. Just hold on to that- that is what gets me through the hard moments. Things will work out And when you’re flemish giant is being a handful- know that I am right in the same boat as Ms Petunia is a handful also! xx

[Phil]

This is such a hard thing to cope with i lost my bunny jasper in jan im still so lost and cry every day i loved him so much,i blamed myself for letting him have anasitic at 8 years old,he suddenly developed testical cancer,he was so well and happy still i feel awful as he should be home recovering and instead,its now a sad and lonley place,dont know if ile ever get over it.

[Bam]

Phil, I’m so sorry you lost your bun. But you didn’treally have any good alternative to having the fast-growing testicular tumor removed. At 8 years most buns cope well with anesthesia, so Jasper could have been weakened by the cancer.

I can’t see that you have written a bridge post of you own, but if you did, perhaps that could be helpful for you. You could post a few pictures of Jasper and write a little about him, as a small tribute to him. It will probably make you cry even more while you are doing it, but it can still help with the grieving process.

[Phil]

Thank you for your message,i havent collected Jaspers ashes yet as its so hard to belive hes gone i loved him so much everyday is so empty without him,i will do a tribute to the most amazing bunny made my life so happy,its awful how it all happened so quickley,phil

[Caroline]

Meet Daisy. It’s been almost 2 and a half months and I still find myself crying almost every day. I just can’t bear to think of a world without her in it–I miss her so much. I keep having dreams where I’m able to save her. In my dreams she’s sick and failing but I’m able to help her get better. Then I wake up and she’s gone. I miss her so much. I don’t know if it will ever get any better. 

[Phil]

Know just how you feel my jaspers Bern gone 2 months still can’t accept his gone I cry everyday. Its horrible.

[Gordo and Janice]

Yes Caroline it’s hard. And it seemed like I was permanently broken there for a little while. Like I was stuck in permanent grieving mode and maybe even sometimes getting worse. Everyone heals in different ways and different speeds. I wish I had advice. I mean I could give all kinds of advice but in the end it’s your experience and you will get through it regardless.

The pain of losing Daisy is in proportion to how much you loved and love her. It’s never fast enough but in time it will get better. I don’t cry as much over my loss but there will be for whatever reason a sudden overwhelming yearning that some little thing sets off. But it gets longer and longer in between those episodes. And most of the time now remembering things about Icey gives me smiles instead of tears.

She looks cute. Like she knows she is posing. I just want to get down there and give her little nose rubs on her little dark patch. They are always so precious. Hugs to you.

[Author]

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