My Husband Hates My Bunny Plus Me Becoming Vegetarian?! ;_;

[KelseyCupcakes]

 Ever since I got my Ralphers my husband has been sooo sour towards me. I spend immence amout of time with my husband and I can proudly say I’m one of the best wives EVER~! <3 

But, now that I have my darling bunny boy, I have to care for him too. My husband makes crewed remarks about him and twice already flipped on me and got into a weird fight about “It’s all the rodents fault!” I say, “It’s not a rodent.. ( -_-)”… He says “I don’t care! Everything is his fault!”

I am SO confused because I clean his cage every 2 days, I vacuum the garage almost everyday + sweep our room where the bunny is. When my husband and/or his family is home I cannot see my rabbit unless I go into my room but that is only for like half and hour. When they are not here I let Ralphy out to run around and clean before they get home. 

Why is this so hard for them? They hate seeing him out of his cage and believe he belongs in his cage and if he is out he should be in the backyard so he can fertilize their yard. Does this sound sick to you or is this just me?!! Does anyone have a similar or have had a similar experience? It’s breaking my heart for my bunny!

 

Also, my husband keeps saying I have to eat fish because vegetarian don’t get enough iron and protein and I said they do but he doesn’t really listen. And on sunday, I went to the farmers market and he was like, “come here hunny! I have to show you something.” He took me over to this meat station where there was dead rabbits to eat. I wanted to cry. I told him off, and I think he felt bad cuz tonight he’s going to get me some vegetarian food from the market. Have you guys had a boyfriend/husband that did/do this? Do they get used to you being vegetarian or are they jerks about it forever?

[Sam and Lady's Human]

Sounds like you guys have some serious communication issues than need to be worked out. He also sounds extremely disrespectful to you.

[KelseyCupcakes]

@Sam and Lady’s Human: We’ve been married for a year and a half and have had our fights but he was always so thoughtful and kind to me but ever since I got this rabbit he’s been a jerk. He told me once before he’s extremely selfish and wants nobody or anything  taking my attention away from him. Guess he was right. -_- 

[Sam and Lady's Human]

:/ Thats really not ok, I’m sorry he’s treating you like that. How long have you guys been together?

[KelseyCupcakes]

 We met last March and got married that same year in May. I knew he always had a selfish streak but this is ridiculous! Why hate on a super cute bunny?! 

 

 <— That's my super cute bunny! You have to have no soul to hate this adorable bunny! D<

[MayaConsuelo]

Sorry to hear you are going through this, I advise you to address it immediately before it becomes a bigger issue. Maybe if you set immediate boundaries and don’t back down things will get better. There’s no point being jealous over any pet, that makes no sense.

As for being vegetarian, I got engaged this year and my fiance (who does eat meat) can only eat vegetarian food in the house, I made that a rule Since I do 100% of the cooking (and I love to cook) he’s fine with it. I don’t nag him if he eats meat out of the house. The only other rule I made him promise never to break is that he can never eat rabbit meat ever again, and he promised. However he really loves Mr. Bun-Bun and dotes on him so he might have come to that conclusion himself.

Although it sounds like your husband is being really insensitive, most people aren’t used to rabbits as pets and some of my best friends in the world have made jokes about rabbit meat in front of me. One time a really good friend made an offhand comment about eating rabbits and I burst into tears. He stopped after that LOL. To us it might seem incredibly cruel, but he’s clearly never thought of rabbits in this way, so he needs to be “re-educated” ha. If he loves you he’ll make the effort and things will be better

[MayaConsuelo]

Oh I forgot, as for the nutritional/iron deficiencies, it’s true that a lot of vegetarians are iron-deficient. I also was, but it’s very easily solved with good supplements and vitamins. A LOT of women are iron-deficient depending on their health, including women who eat meat. A few key supplements (B vitamins, flax seed oil, and iron) can keep even deficient vegetarians 100% healthy.

[KelseyCupcakes]

 @MayaConsuelo: Thanks so much for letting me know your experience. I guess people really don’t get it. I’m happy I’m not the only one that has gone through something like this. I feel better about it. : )

[Sarita]

Perhaps your husband feels like he’s not getting enough attention since you got your rabbit. I’m not sure what you discussed with him prior to getting your rabbit, but perhaps he didn’t think it would affect him as much as he feels…it’s human nature, he’s not being selfish really, he’s just probably hurt. Don’t discount your husband’s feelings and just push him off as being selfish. He has feelings too…you definitely need to discuss this issue and come to an agreement.

I find that many times people say hurtful things to their loved ones when they themselves feel hurt…I know I’ve done this.

[Mandyyy]

Yeah, Iron deficiencies is normal but the protein stuff is a myth. If you eat the right food you won’t need to eat, say seafood. You could also get vitamins and such if you are lacking something.

Vegetarianism is a healthy choice, but much with any eating habits and dietary needs you have to do your research.

I like that “no meat in the house” thing, Maya.

Honestly, if my partner did that to me he would quickly become an ex or divorced. I could careless what others eat, but when they are disrespectful to me it’s over. I have dropped friends for being insensitive about my choices.

Thing is, you will find many people who disagree with vegetarianism, and will make it known very bluntly. Sometimes it’s hard to ignore them, but education is good… sometimes when people make rude comments at me I spit out some slaughter house facts about the animal they are eating.

[Stickerbunny]

Iron and protein are a myth – you CAN get all you need from a vegetarian diet. Show him the material. There is plenty of research on it. In fact, show him all the pro athletes and body builders that are vegan.

You need to set boundaries and NOW. Him showing you the dead animals when he knows how you feel was not OK. Him being jealous of anything that takes your time is not OK. What about when you get the job you want? It’s going to take a lot of your time. Don’t dismiss his feelings, but explain to him he needs to discuss things with you, not be vindictive and hurt you for things you don’t understand are bothering him. I went through this with my current boyfriend and I wasn’t stern enough with him and it made a LOT of problems between us, things we are still working out, because it’s hard to forgive cruelty no matter how well you understand the reason behind it, it just builds into bitterness if you don’t resolve it. When I did something he didn’t like, or spoke to him in a way he didn’t like (though I didn’t even know), he would get hurt and thanks to his lovely (BAD) background with his family his only way of handling hurt was to strike out and hurt me back. One day I just couldn’t take it anymore and I told him flat out if he did it again instead of talking to me about what was bothering him, I would leave and he could find someone else to play those games with, because I wasn’t up for it. You need to explain to him your passions don’t subtract from your love for him, even offer to share them with him if he is willing – let him come to play with the bun with you, let him research vegetarian diets with you if he’s concerned for your health, share what you love and include him so he doesn’t feel excluded, if he declines then it is his choice to not share that part of your life with you. Understand WHY he is doing what he’s doing, give him an invitation to discuss things with you and try your best not to get emotional no matter what he says, since guys don’t like sharing if it’s going to start an argument. But make him know you won’t put up with cruel gestures out of spite and that he can’t expect your attention to be on him 100% of the time, you have a life and he is welcome to share it, but sometimes you’ll need time for things you love on your own and he has to respect that – just like you have to respect if he wants to say, hang out with his friends for a boys night. Marriage isn’t owning another person, though that is a common mistake people make in the first few years.

Fact is, no matter how much he or his family may disagree with your choices, it is your life in the end and he has to support you. Just like you may disagree with things he does, but you should support him. I disagree with a ton of things my boyfriend does, even sometimes passionately disagree and even discussing the issue will spark an argument, but in the end we have to respect each others view and accept the disagreement. Mine isn’t that into animals or environmentalism, though they are two things I am passionate about – but he has learned to respect that it is important to me, though he still doesn’t understand it. He’s passionate about spiritual topics and such and I am quite the agnostic, so I respect that it is important to him even though I don’t understand at all. Compromise and supporting things we don’t understand the value of are really important in relationships. It took me four years to come to this point in my relationship because I kept telling myself “well, it’s just the stress” or “well, it’s just this thing, it will change in time” etc etc and believe me, it won’t without both of you working to resolve it rationally.

[Mandyyy]

*claps for Stickerbunny*

[bunnyfriend]

I’ve been a vegetarian for a couple months and my sister has been for 2 years now. Yes, you do have to watch what you eat to make sure get enough protein and iron but it’s really easy and very doable.

I would sit down and have a long talk with him, both of you taking turns explaining your feelings, ect. I would really stress that how he is acting is really hurting your feelings. If he loves you he will stop treating you (and the bunny) like that. Try to find a common ground. There has to be something that is important to him (like a sport, hobby, ect.), your bunny is important to you, and you both should be able to respect that about each other. Hmm perhaps you could ask him to spend time with the bunny and YOU, show him how great bunnies really are and that owning one doesn’t mean you won’t stop paying attention to him. Relationships take a lot of work and communication, but they can be worth it.

btw your bunny is so so so adorable.

[Huckleberry]

That sounds like a horrible situation. What would happen if you guys were to have kids one day? Would he hate the kid?
Love is not about needing someone all to yourself, its about enjoying another person and wanting to see them as happy as possible. If a bunny brings out a happier side in you, then he should love it as much as he loves you since it is making you happy. He should be supportive of you and what makes you happy.
If you want to be a vegetarian and he doesn’t think it is healthy, at least that is a legit concern, but you both should research it together and find the facts together. However, showing you dead rabbits is just cruel. What kind of sick joke is that and what kind of reaction did he expect?
I agree with the others and feel like you guys need to really discuss these issues and consider changing some things in your relationship.

[Huckleberry]

And, I also agree with the others that your bunny is STINKIN’ ADORABLE!!!! No wonder you fell for him, he is such a sweetheart! Even if you did spend more time with the bun than your husband, it would be justifiable haha

[KelseyCupcakes]

 @Huckleberry: Unfortunately, we are not having any children. I was scared a few times I thought I was pregnant and I went up to my husband and told him and he flipped on me saying he’ll hate the child, he’ll never love me again, he’ll blame me and the child forever. And I told him, ‘it takes two” and he just makes excuses. He’s so nice and such a good man when it was just me, him, no bunny. Now that there is something else for me to love, he can’t handle it. Imagine a child! No. way. Good thing I have BC. : )

[KelseyCupcakes]

 @Stickerbunny: *claps too* Wow, I completely agree with you. Sorry your boyfriend is not passionate about the things you are in as well, I know for sure how it feels. I’ve tried to show him things, he’s getting better with the vegetarian thing I think because he did apologize to me. The bunn I think he just has to get used too. He says the bunny is filthy but I clean everyday! He does have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Everything has to be just perfect. Maybe he can’t help his outbursts? Idk, but, I do know I must talk to him more about it because I don’t want him to control me with “But I have OCD so do what I say” act.

I hope he will someday love the bunny. Last night though he was walking around and the bunny was following him and he started smiling and walking all over and the bunny was following him. Maybe Ralphers cuteness will get to him? : )

[Bunnehs]

OMG THATS HORRIBLE!!!! Protect your buns.. atm

I am suffering from an evil mom & sister. Whenever my bunnehs pee accidently behind the tv or don’t want to be held they torture the bunnies!
My family is quite evil and learned to pull the bunnies by the ears. No matter how much I try to prevent these bad situations, i can’t control ANYONE cuz im the youngest one in the family. Also they would kick them, and my super evil sister once threw my bun against the sofa.. Ughh.. Im trying to make everyone happy with the bunnies… ( solving the case by keeping things calm..) I guess i should really educate my family because they eat bunnies and make jokes about grilling bun’s meat!! This is a bad situation for me but I Love my bunnies <3

Hope you get well & eating like a bunny is wonderful. I like tofu for protein

[Stickerbunny]

Nuh uh, don’t give him excuses. I dated a guy with OCD and he used that card on me to try to control me, I didn’t accept it – neither did his mother who told me I didn’t have to put up with it and her best friend was a psychiatrist and she was a social worker and had lived with the OCD kid all his life. lol He can’t help if he feels the bun is dirty due to OCD, but he can for sure control the temper / out bursts. And he can work with you to come to something his OCD can accept as far as cleanliness (even if it means you have to clean a bit more), ask him WHY he thinks the bunny is filthy and to be a bit more specific so you can try to address it. If you love animals this much, he has to learn to accept some mess from them since animals are messy and you need to learn what you can do to help that. And yes the cuteness can win guys over.

[KelseyCupcakes]

 @Bunnehs: O…M….G!!! Your situation in a way is worse than mine. How old are you?? The worst that happened was my mother in law grabbed wmy bunny by his little paw and forced him to come to her lap because he didn’t want to go, then I was holding him and she slapped him across his back… grrrr, makes me so freaking angry!!!! Ever since I keep him away from them!!!!!! HOW HORRIBLE ABOUT YOUR BUNNY!! Thrown against the wall?!!?!! What did he do to deserve that?!!! Unless the bunny was possessed and had a gun and was about to shoot you there is no reason!!!!!! OMG!!! Are you a minor? If not, stay wit hfriends! Disgusting!!! D<

[kinggoblin]

I would tell him that its NOT okay to do that stuff. I told my fiance from day 1 that I will not let him be hateful towards me and definitely NOT towards my animals or HE would get hurt.

Also, I am a meat eater (TRYING to eat less of it, but ever since I moved to the south w/ fiance I’ve become a hardcore meat eater) but I *really* love the morningstar vegetarian foods, they taste just like meat! I am sure they have a proper amount of protein

[KelseyCupcakes]

 I just had some morningstar veggie patties tonight! They are soooo good. You really can’t taste the difference. At least, not to me. : )

[bunnyfriend]

Oh! I forgot to mention, if you are going to keep being vegetarian watch out for the “textured vegetarian proteins (TVP)” you eat. A lot of them have hexane in them, hexane is a neurotoxin which is also in gasoline (they use hexane to turn the soy into TVP). The ones the are made organically do not have hexane.

kinggoblin: I love some of Morningstar’s food, their stuff that’s “Made with organic soy” does not contain hexane which is awesome lol.

[LoveChaCha]

I am a partial meat eater, and I enjoy vegetarian food. I think it is extremely disrespectful that your husband is not respecting your decision, and showing you photos of dead rabbits. I think that is unacceptable on so many terms. He sounds quite childish and not accepting of what you want to do. I’m so sorry he is doing this =/

All of the guys that I know that have met Chacha – ADORE her to pieces.

[Kokaneeandkahlua]

I have to say this is a major red flag-his extreme jealousy of an animal is beyond normal. So it’s up to you, if you can live with it (and of course consider if he’s shown other red flags-look up what indicators are of abusive or unhealthy relationshios to help you decide) My two cents if you were my friend, I would tell you to run and not look back. But not sane to take marital advice over hte internet, so consider your whole situation.

*hugs*

[LoveChaCha]

Also, if you do plan on becoming a vegetarian, you will need to take supplements and be sure to plan out meals that do have all the nutrients and vitamins that your body needs!

[MayaConsuelo]

Uuuufff, don’t want to intrude, but I hope you’re on mega-birth control if your husband is so irate about the idea of having kids… yikes…
I just realized I lied about “no meat” in the house because we have a cat… dogs can be raised on vegetarian diets, but cats are true carnivores and need meat So I do feed my cat meat kibbles. AND when Bun-Bun escapes he tries to eat the cat food too… gross!

I think the reaction to bunny situations in everyone’s family depends on whether they’re animal people or not. I brought Bun-Bun back to my parents’ house a few times, and they have a REALLY huge house compared to what he’s used to… The last time he was there, my mom discovered a huge pile of shredded plastic and bunny pee a couple weeks after we left LOL… she thought it was funny! We tried to keep track of him and clean up, but he still managed to do some damage ha!

[Tipsy Bunny]

My boyfriend is at times jealous that I spend a lot of time with Tipsy. He has gotten angry and we have gotten into a couple of fights about it but its all because of the fact that he doesnt understand that she is my responsibility that I took on. He is finally realizing that she isnt a hamster or a guinea pig that sits in a cage all day but the equivalent to a dog or cat. It took him a little bit of sitting down and talking about it but he is trying. But I do have to understand where he is coming from too. It used to be just us and now here is a rabbit that is taking up a lot of my time and its not fair. So we are both working things out. He is learning about rabbits and I am learning to balance both him and Tipsy.
As far as the vegetarianism goes, my sister is strict vegetarian and my brother in law is not. Though he has learned that she has made a decision to be vegetarian, he doesnt try to push things on her. But also, my sister has learned that eating fish is actually very healthy and nutritious for you, she does not eat it regularly as anyone else, but she will eat it. She tries broths and such to get the vitamins, minerals, and natural supplements she needs but also avoiding the fish taste and such and I believe that she has benefited greatly from it. My brother in law was the one who suggested it, he didnt push her, he just calmly suggested it, stated his reasons why, and gave her a few dishes to try.
I suggest having a sit down with your husband and talk about what happened at that farmers market. This is definitely something that needs to be discussed. He needs to understand that you being vegetarian is your choice and his being omnivorous is his choice. You wouldnt change his eating habits so you would hope that he does the same in return. I eat red meat, white meat, salads, fish, you name it, but I dont shove it in my sister’s face. I know there are somethings I just cannot discuss with her or she gets queezy like my career choice, and she has to understand that I dont like it when she comments on my choice of career. Its kind of a truce.
Bunneh, I also suggest the same. A sit down with your family. When people need to be addressed about something serious, points get across better when the tone is calm but stern. You should tell them that what they are doing to your rabbits is very dangerous and cruel. Any animal should be treated with respect. They are your pets, not a throw-toy, or a soccer ball. Also, that the comments they make are very hurtful and downright mean. You should ask for their respect, respect for you and your property.

[KelseyCupcakes]

Thanks so much guys for your kindness and support at this difficult time for me. I really appreciate all your kind words and information. It is helping me to know what to do. : )

[Monkeybun]

Yesh, sounds like a bad situation all around to me. Be careful. It can start like this, and end very badly…

Bunnehs, I’m sorry, but at this point, I feel it is my duty to pipe up and say that home is NOT safe for rabbits. You may have good intentions, but the rest of the family is putting them through hell. I feel it is in the best interest to tell you that it is better for them if you give them up right now. It just isn’t safe for them. Wait until you are older, and move out before getting more bunnies.

[Sarita]

You know Kelsey, the thing you should be doing is seeking the help of a professional marriage counselor because it’s not about the vegetarianism or your rabbit. A trained professional who will listen to both you and your husband is going to get this worked out.

You’ll always have our support but an objective trained professional can help you sort out the feelings and communication problems with your husband and the problems with his family and we just aren’t trained to do this on the forum :~)

[Hannah]

Kelsey, I think you need to be careful. You keep saying that he is “a kind man” and that he is “so nice,” but all of the evidence you’ve shown us here is in direct contrast to those statements– jealousy, threats, psychological torture, making sure he has people on his side when you don’t, refusing to allow you to be your own person, trying to control you– these are all textbook warning signs of an abusive relationship. Obviously I’m not a psychologist and this is just a forum about bunnies, but I think you need to examine your situation closely, because I think many of us here are worried for you.

I think unfortunately we’re all fed a lot of nonsense about how “men are” and how “women are” from a young age, and so lots of women think that men are automatically going to be jealous or lazy or bad with housework or hate “girl things” like fuzzy animals because those are just “man traits,” and in turn we’re programmed to forgive when we really shouldn’t have to. There really aren’t “man traits–” there are just “raised well” and “not raised well” traits. If his family seems to have the same issues with jealousy and controlling, you know where he got it from. Regardless, many modern women are conditioned to accept this kind of rudeness and disrespect because they think there is no alternative.

A number of years ago I dated a guy who, when we met, seemed like the most amazing, wonderful human being I could possibly imagine– he was my first serious boyfriend, and I thought that I was really, truly in love with him, and that we were probably going to get married. We moved into a dorm together the next year, and immediately his whole persona started to change. He stopped spending time with me, but then demanded that my time always be available for him. When I had emergencies or problems he was so passive about them that usually one of our other roommates ended up helping me instead. He started drinking, which he had previously told me he thought was an abhorrent habit (I’m a teetotaler for various reasons, so I had been pleased to hear this). He started doing everything his mother (who he claimed he hated) wanted him to do. However, I just kept thinking “oh, he’s going through a rough patch” or “well, he’ll change back” or “but at least he still loves me, and he’s always been such a good guy!” Then, one day he nonchalantly and expressionlessly told me that it was over and that he didn’t love me anymore. I was totally devastated, but frankly, looking back, I’m immensely glad that it ended the way it did, because it probably could have gone the other way, into the territory of loveless marriage, unwanted children and domestic violence.

It took me about half a year to realize that he had NEVER been a nice guy, but that I had been blinded by (a) his affected kinder and more gentle mannerisms during dating and (b) society’s instructions to “stick it out” in a back relationship “if there’s love” and to simply accept that sometimes men can be jerks.

Well, during the time period after breaking up, I met who I thought would just be a “rebound guy,” who I am still with four years later. He respects me and my decisions, and while we love spending time together, we are also totally comfortable doing things by ourselves or with our other friends. He is not at all jealous, and neither am I. We have similar ideas about marriage and parenting, but are waiting until we are financially and emotionally ready for both. He adores my rabbits, (although he was afraid of them when he first met them!) He is a meat-eater but not only loves vegetarian food, but usually suggests it, meaning we never have to worry about meat in the house. He’s free to eat whatever he pleases elsewhere, as long as it isn’t bunnies! His family likes me and wants both of us to be happy, and know that we’re adults capable of making our on decisions, and my family is the same way. We want each other to grow and learn. But most importantly, even after finishing college, moving in together, me going to grad school and he going into work, and now both of us working full time, he is THE SAME PERSON I met and fell in love with.

In short: not all men are jealous and possessive and refuse to let you do what you want, and if you are dating or married to someone who is (male or female!), you may want to evaluate how safe and comfortable you feel in that relationship. Personally, like KokaneeandKahlua, if I were in your situation, I would RUN. If he’s this angry about a bunny that you spend so much of your time keeping clean and out of the way, what might he do to you if you DO get pregnant? You’re young, and you have lots of time now to make yourself as happy as possible. Watch for warning signs, and if you need to, find friends or family you can stay with and take your beautiful bunny with you. Don’t devote yourself to something that could end up making your life miserable– life is too short, and it just isn’t worth it!

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/warning-signs-of-abuse/

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/129922/early_signs_of_an_abusive_relationship.html

http://www.life123.com/relationships/issues/signs-bad-relationship/early-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship.shtml

[LittlePuffyTail]

That’s awful. He’s probably jealous of your bunny. I would tell him that you love him (husband) and are a good wife but he has to be more sensitive to you because you love Ralphie and he’s not going anywhere’s so he’s just going to have to accept him. And as for being a vegetarian, that’s your choice and yours alone.

I think what he said when you thought you were pregnant is awful. He clearly has anger/emotional issues that he needs to resolve. I agree with K&K- seems like a big red flag.

I guess I’m very lucky that my husband is very supportive of my rabbit craziness and vegetarianism. If he ever showed me a dead rabbit just to be cruel I would seriously kick him where the sun doesn’t shine (no, I’m NOT joking!).

[Elrohwen]

Kelsey, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation with your husband 🙁 Don’t make excuses for him and don’t let him get away with this stuff! His behavior is extremely controlling and he needs to get a handle on it now or it’s only going to get much worse. The bunny stuff is bad enough, but saying that you can’t have kids because he’ll hate you and the child forever is just awful. Have you discussed counseling with him? You guys haven’t been together that long and I think a counselor could really help you guys work on communication and respectfulness in a marriage. If he won’t go, you could go by yourself at least.

[KelseyCupcakes]

 @Elrohwen: I’ve tried to tell him to come to marriage counseling but he feels it’s the next step before divorce going into those things. He does have an anger problem which he knows about and which used to be much MUCH worse than this. He keeps telling me he’ll change, and he somewhat does, but he still will have bursts and crazy anger for absolutely no reason, “WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING THE LIVING ROOM IT’S 10 O CLOCK ALREADY!” Things like that which in my opinion are SO stupid. What makes me mad the most is, he makes me do everything, and he feels he doesn’t have to do alot of chores because he works more. His annoying dog always tries to run in the house and he has mud all over his paws and my husband will tell me to clean it up, I tell him I’m tired and if he could do it and he says, “nope, because you did it” … “no I didn’t the dog ran in here!” ….”who left th door open?”…”I must have, accidently!”..”Okay well you need to do it cuz it’s your fault”…I’d say, “But, I’d do it for  you!”…and he’s said before, “Well, I’m not you so get to it”. Ugh!!! Those parents whom we live with and pretty much stuck here forever till they die are so annoying. They’re the fuel to my husband’s fire. They yell at him in the morning about chores or whatever then he flips on me because they make him crazy. The mom NEVER believes me about anything, and, I’m one of those types of people who SUCK at lying so I just tell the truth, which my husband knows is true but she NEVER leaves me alone and talks in spanish to my husband, “Oh she do dis” or “she do dat” and he’ll be like “did you kelsey?” like I’m some child, “No! I promise God himself I didn’t”. Then he believes me. The crazy women thinks I bring that bunny in her living room NO, it’s in her son’s old room which I thoroughly clean before they get there cuz i don’t want to deal with this crap. She still finds little poo pellets in the living room and I say, “I don’t let Ralphy in the poo pellets must come from the garage and attach to our socks as we come in”.

 

Do I know my husband is somewhat abusive? Yes, I know. Do I let him get away with too much? God yes. I regret it. He takes advantage and does not appreciate what he has. I’m only 20, married him at 18. My parents were not stable and neither were his. At least my parents didn’t beat me like they did him. That’s why I feel sorry for him, and my parents say he’s still young and has a lot to learn. But, he’s even told me in the car (the other day), “If you love being a *beep* vegetarian and the *beep* rodent thing then youcan go divorce me and find some vegetarian man who is an animal activist like you!” and I was like, “is that what you want?” and he says, “no”, THEN WHY DOES HE SAY IT?!

[KelseyCupcakes]

 @Hannah: Thank you for your story, I appreciate it. I know a lot of the abusive signs (my mom goes to these groups for battered women and constantly tells me). And yes, my husband has some of them 1) Angry over nothing, 2) won’t let me talk to my family about our problems, 3) Jealousy, 4) Demanding (I’m reading the first link you sent me) 5) loses temper quickly 6) says I’m responsible for why he doesn’t have a real life/childhood 7) blames me when he mistreats me 8) I frequently worry about what to do in front of him 9) makes cruel jokes at me. That’s al ot actually. He’s never been physical towards me and I told him if he EVER does it’s over. He told me his parents fought and sometimes the dad hit her but she stayed for her kids. Honestly, I’m waiting for that to happen, if it ever happens. Sometimes I hope it does cuz he is so mean and I know we’llnever leave his family. He refuses to get an apartment 45 minutes away from here (we’re 15 minutes from San Francisco where we live right now) and the town 45 minutes from here is SO cheap for apartment ($700). The apartments here are $1500+ which we CANNOT afford at all. But, he tells me we’re not getting an apartment, we are saving up to get a house. He knows I HATE it here and these people but he feels we need to save each $10,000 so we can move into a house HERE not over there because he says he’s gonna miss his mom and dad (or mommy and da da as I call it). He’s even cried before because he misses them so much… and we’re in the same house!!! They have never shown affection to him I don’t understand this I left my parents whom I loved dearly when I just turned 18 he’s 23!!

[Sam and Lady's Human]

@kelsey, you seem to have a lot of circumstance and issues that honestly, noone here is capable of helping you with. Regardless of what your husband decides to do, maybe you ought to start with professional individual counseling for yourself.

[bunnnnnnie!]

Wow.  You deserve WAY better than this clown.  Take his own advice and find someone who loves animals and believes in the same things you do.   

[Elrohwen]

It seems that you’re well aware of his abusive behavior – abuse isn’t only damaging when it’s physical. Often, living with verbal and emotional abuse, even if it doesn’t elevate to physical, it even more damaging.

You know what he is and you’re honest about all of the red flags, so you just need to decide what you’re going to do about it. Is this really someone you want to stay with?

[Stickerbunny]

Ouch, Kelsey, abuse is not to be tolerated. If he won’t go to counseling for his anger, you do NOT have to accept such abuse. Every post you make makes him out to be someone who will NOT change. Yes they “change” a little, to get you to think they have promise, but they don’t. And he may not be physical now, but trust me, verbal can turn into physical EASILY and his behavior are huge red flags that it will. Being abused as a child does lead to abuse a lot of the time, but they can get over it with professional help – but they have to want to. Why wait for it to turn that route? He’s verbally, emotionally and in every other way abusive and it is just a matter of time until it becomes physical (perhaps until you have a kid, so you’re truly stuck?). He’s got you hooked because you’d feel guilty if you left, I know the feeling, but you really have to look at what is best for you. He has NO respect for you, he doesn’t care about your feelings… I hate to say it, but he either needs professional help or you need to run as fast as you can to avoid getting seriously hurt in the long run.

I have been through the abusive relationship. It starts out they are great, then when they get you stuck they start to change. They become first controlling, then jealous, then verbally and emotionally abusive, then physically it will start when they feel they have enough of a hold on you. And they will have that hold, for all the promises you make yourself that the first hit will be the only one, you are in such a place that you’ve made excuses for it all and lost so much self-confidence that you’ll make excuses for that too. It’s a method of brain washing they do and you can escape it now before he completes it. I have been through it, I have had full soda cans thrown and hit me in the collar bone – I have been dragged around the apartment by my hair and thrown to the floor. I have given the excuse that he was abused as a kid so he can’t help his anger. It’s all just what they put in your head to make you feel sorry for them. Abuse as a kid can lead to violence, but it doesn’t have to and if they WANT to change that pattern there is plenty of professional help out there. If you stay and he does not want to get help and his family is all ganging against you, it will get worse, not better. He either needs to take the step of seeking real help, or you need to take the step of getting away from that situation. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to help himself. You can’t love someone who honestly does not love you back – because to love someone you respect them and you care about how they feel, the love an abusive man shows is the love a child has for a toy – possessive and only cares about the thing as long as it brings him pleasure, real love is not like that. My best friend, who lives in England (and is a guy, so I wasn’t “allowed” to talk to, but I did anyway) and couldn’t help physically, helped me through it and without that support I don’t think I could have gotten out of that place I let the guy put me in. Don’t let yours get you that far. You deserve so much better, no one should be treated like that. You ARE a great person and you deserve the guy you spend your life with to be a great person too. You deserve to be loved, respected and treated as an EQUAL.

And yes, I am a magnet for the messed up guys. lol OCD, depression, abusive… but every bad one just teaches you that much more appreciation for the good ones.

[Elrohwen]

Stickerbunny, thank you for sharing your story! You’re really an inspiration for other women going through something similar.

[Starfuzz]

Kelsey,

Speaking as a husband myself, your situation is extremely distressing. I can’t even imagine myself acting in any of those ways to my wife. Of course I have fallen in love with our bunnies just as much as my wife has (she would say I am hooked more). They are just like children to us both and our times with them actually ease any troubles life is throwing at us. Just take a step back and take a hard, critical look at your relationship. He is obviously insecure over the bunny because it is giving you what you are lacking from him, and now he is feeling threatened. His way of dealing with it, is stepping up the threatening attitude. It is not you who needs to change, or you who needs to just take the abuse he is giving you. He has some serious problems and if he does not seek help they are only going to get worse and things are going to escalate. Hug your bunny and look at your life. That furry bundle you have in your arms is the type of happiness you should be feeling from your spouse as well.

[Joyfull_music]

Sweetie you really do need to take a few steps back and look at the big picture. If you even acknowledge yourself that he is showing abusive signs, maybe that is your signal to either get some serious help or get out. Personally I would chose the later of the two. If not for you, then for the safety of your bun whom is like your child. It is only a matter of time before either you or that rabbit get seriously hurt. Stop making excuses for him. He is not a nice guy, he is not a good person, he has problems. His family has problems. It is up to you to either act now or suffer in silence until something really bad happens.

[BinkyBunny]

I came from a situation where a strong marriage was displayed as an example – My folks will be celebrating their 58th Wedding Anniversary and they still say loving things to each other every day. My dad still tells my mom how beautiful she is, and my mom always says how lucky she is that that handsome man wanted to marry her. They haven’t been perfect, but through all of the trials and tribulations that life has thrown their way, they have always supported each other.  But not everyone is as lucky to be exposed to what a truly devoted and caring couple is like.   If you didn’t have good examples, and/or if your own self-esteem was compromised growing up, (and that can happen to anyone regardless), you will have a labyrinth of things to work out because you both have issues even within yourselves to still figure out. Relationships bring out all insecurities and any emotional issues that were there before you even met, and how those issues are dealt with will probably determine whether you will grow together or fall apart.  

Being so young doesn’t help this matter at all, but if your husband won’t seek counseling, then you do it…for yourself, so you can know the right choices for yourself  going forward within the marriage or without it.   You don’t need him to agree to go to counseling for you to get stronger and take the action that you need to have a better life. (Whatever that may look like) 

As other members have shared their stories, you know you are not alone, but now you can either make the choice to stay the same and be in the same situation, or make some changes.  And at this time, the only one you can really control and change.. is yourself, (so you have the strength and knowledge you need to make positive choices).

So I quadruple ditto what some others have said that this matter really needs to now be between you and a counselor.   Financially, I know that can be difficult, but if you are in college, many colleges have that as an option.  Also, there are some counselors that will work on a sliding scale.  I’d start looking around, asking around.  Also, know that if you meet a counselor/phychologist, and you don’t click, don’t let that one experience sway you.  Sometimes people have to meet a couple of them before they find a counselor they connect with. 

I wish you the best.    

 

[KelseyCupcakes]

Thanks so much for all of your support and concern. I am going to agree and listen to you guys regarding counselling, for myself. Maybe my husband will come I don’t honestly know. But, I will be going to college to become a certified veterinary assistant so that will definitely take my mind off all this stress and add on some more stress! But, the good rewarding kind. Hopefully, my husband will calm his behavior down and see by how hard I’m trying to grow and be a strong woman, he will respect me, my decisions, and my bunny, but, if not, there will be someone else out there that will. : )

[kralspace]

I’m with Elrohwen, you seem to have full awareness of what’s going on and how he really is and it will be up to you to decide your life. My parents hated each other, blamed ‘having’ to stay married on us kids every day and made our lives a living hell to the day each of them died. That or feeling sorry for someone is no reason to stay together and harms everyone involved.

He’s not going to change except when he needs to, to regain his control over you. You’re a person, you’re aware of the danger, you can leave.Your pets have no choice. The news is always full of stories of angry boyfriends who viciously kill or main their girlfriend’s beloved pets just to get back at them. If he is so cruel to you, do you think he would hesitate to kill your bunny?

Sorry to be so blunt, but if you decide to stay with him I feel you owe it to your pets to find them a safe and secure home.

[Stickerbunny]

Working with animals is always stressful, but for sure rewarding. Good luck, I am sure you will find your path in life, even if it differs from his. Do be careful though, if he feels you slipping away, he may try more desperate measures to strengthen his hold – mine took out loans in my name and such (ruining my perfect credit and pushing me into debt) to try to financially hold me in a relationship that was toxic when he felt that slipping.

[KelseyCupcakes]

@stickerBunny. Omg, that’s horrible!!! So sorry to hear that. And no, that’s one thing I know he wouldn’t do. For the past year and a half he and his family never shut up about me getting a “higher education”. I wasn’t ready then but I am now and he would be totally fine with it.

[Pandorachik]

I would sit down and tell him that you lovve him SO MUCH! But you love the bunny too. Of course it’s not a human,, But it is still important. Tell him the I said to shape up or he is gonna be hearin from me……….no really.. don’t ;D lol. But I totally think it is SO disrespectful to do that stuff. In the supermarket when he showed you the rabbit meat I would slapped him dumped him and left him penniliess to die! no Just Joking! I know you want to keep a good marriage. So just tell him to STOP! haha.

[Sam and Lady's Human]

Posted By KelseyCupcakes on 11/30/2011 01:22 PM
@stickerBunny. Omg, that’s horrible!!! So sorry to hear that. And no, that’s one thing I know he wouldn’t do. For the past year and a half he and his family never shut up about me getting a “higher education”. I wasn’t ready then but I am now and he would be totally fine with it.

 

Just want to note that you should never say never. I had an ex once who was mentally abusive (alcoholic to boot) and when we broke up, he was so angry he emailed some photos that my naive 18 year old self took for him to my family. I would’ve sworn up and down that he’d never do anything like that when we were dating. 

I’m sure Stickers would’ve swore the same thing

And if your husband thinks bunnies take a lot of time, just wait until your in school all day

[kinggoblin]

My mom was in an abusive relationship with my dad and then to my step dad. They were both verbally abusive in the beginning, then it turned physical towards my mom & the animals. I watched them beat my mother many times. She is still married to my step dad but as far as I know he has stopped since we ( me & my brother ) moved out. I would have preferred so many times that my mom left them but she never did even when I begged her to after he shoved me to the floor after I pushed him away from her and screamed at me that he would break my neck next time, which led to me leaving when I turned 18 to live with my boyfriend who is now my fiance.

Life is too short to be in an abusive situation.

[Huckleberry]

Kelsey, *HUGS* really, *BIG HUGS*
It looks like a lot of us have had to deal with abuse in our past. I am no exception, an abusive dad and an abusive exbf. If you ever need one-on-one venting, my email is  [ edited for your email protection from spam. You can also just use our Message Center if you want to delete this entirely for your mutual privacy. Rabbitpam]  livingonfaith854 at gmail dot com, feel free. 🙂

[KelseyCupcakes]

Thanks so much Huckleberry, I’ll take up your offer, but, not just to vent no worries. ^_^

[Tipsy Bunny]

KelseyCupcakes, I honestly dont think that waiting for him to go to counseling with you is going to work. My dad is one of those guys who comes home and reads the paper and expects that my mom cleans and cooks. But, my mom is also coming home from work as well! So she is in charge of feeding the animals, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, everything while he sits there. She is so fed up with it that she goes to counseling and she hopes that one day he will join her, but years later, he hasnt… and years later, my mom will say “I will be back I have a doctors appointment” and my dad asks where ad she will say with her counselor, and he asks “how long have you been seeing a counselor?” “A couple years now.” It doesnt work.

[jerseygirl]

KelseyCupcakes, I’m relieved you’re open to listening to the advice people are giving here. I agree about there being red flags all over this. I sincerely wish you the best in dealing with this and that you have good support around you.

@stickerbunny and Hannah and those sharing personal experiences- outstanding information and advice you’ve given. I admire so much the strong persons you are today and the help you can offer others. You are helping more people then you know by sharing what you have.

@Starfuzz, thank you so much for posting your perspective as a husband! If only more were like you.

[TaraMichele]

Posted By KelseyCupcakes on 11/29/2011 07:10 PM

 @Huckleberry: Unfortunately, we are not having any children. I was scared a few times I thought I was pregnant and I went up to my husband and told him and he flipped on me saying he’ll hate the child, he’ll never love me again, he’ll blame me and the child forever. And I told him, ‘it takes two” and he just makes excuses. He’s so nice and such a good man when it was just me, him, no bunny. Now that there is something else for me to love, he can’t handle it. Imagine a child! No. way. Good thing I have BC. : )

Kelsey, initially I thought this whole post was sad, but I havent been able to stop thinking about it… It concerns me especially that when its comes to not having children you say “unfortunately.”  It sounds like you truly want children….and I doubt that feeling goes away…I think Im most worried for you because of the speed of the relationship…before marriage did you discuss children?  and Im curious is there jealouIsy when friends are concerned?  I think what is important is that you know what you want in your future…some things are non-negotiatable, and I know for me children are one of them…I really wish you the best, for yourself and hope you put your needs first

[Bunnehs]

grrr it sucks being a kid!! my sis threw the bunny against the sofa. Anyways I LOOOVE my bunnies very much & I hope yew and your hubby get better!

[Bunnehs]

thanks monkeybun!! l: im always fighting back for my bunnies& trying to stop my moms habit of holding the buns by the ears&butt.. Its much better now that the bunies are in the house because my sis wouldn’t go in the backyard and chase them LIKE crazyyyyyy just  because they escaped the enclosure . Its more calm here but yeaa.. IM watchin out for stuff.

[BinkyBunny]

Kelsey, you said…. “Hopefully, my husband will calm his behavior down and see by how hard I’m trying to grow and be a strong woman, he will respect me, my decisions, and my bunny,”

This concerns me because even if he saw you as weak and immature, his behavior is uncalled for. You shouldnt have to prove anything in order for him to treat you with care and kindness. So somewhere deep down I think you may feel you deserve his treatment. You don’t need to be stronger to deserve his respect…you need to be stronger to respect yourself and not allow mistreatment. Also, don’t be surprised that the stronger you get, the more threatened and insecure he may get which can make things even worse.

So find out ways to get stronger for yourself otherwise if you are getting stronger with hopes of impressing someone else, then that’s not really the kind of strength you need. I have seen and experienced how counseling can change peoples lives but it does take time. People don’t get where they are (mentally) overnight and changes can take time, so that’s another reason to start working on your own self worth now.

[Asha :)]

I’ve never been in a situation like that, and I couldn’t imagine how hard it is. But if you plan to be a vet wouldn’t he gather that you are going to be saving animals lives and becoming attached to them?
You seem like you don’t know what he wants, – when you say “I don’t know if he will come” and maybe you should just talk to him for starters, he may get freaked out if you go to councilling without talking to him about everything. That’s what husband and wife should do.

[LittlePuffyTail]

At least my parents didn’t beat me like they did him. That’s why I feel sorry for him

I can understand feeling bad for someone who was abused as a child but don’t let his abuse as a child ruin your life now. Don’t let him get away with the way he treats you because of it. He’s an adult now and can make his own decisions regarding how he’s treating you.

My father was terribly abused, physically and emotionally, as a child but he didn’t let that dictate the way he treated my mother and my sister and me. He was a kind, loving husband and father and put his past behind him. My mother would not have tolerated anything else.

[Joyfull_music]

My husband was also abused as a child. He came from alcoholic, drug using parents who were always using him to get back at each other after they divorced. They were always telling him things about the other parent, and now since both of his parents have been gone for years, to this day he does not know what is true and what is a lie. His father used to tell him that his mom had 3 abortions before him, and almost aborted him as well. He also had to work while still in high school, and have his dad take all of his money to buy drugs. He literally ran away the day he turned 18 with the help of his best friends. He and his dad had moved to Texas at that time and they brought him back to MI.

If you were to meet the man my husband is now, you would never get the hint of a past like that. He is so anti-drug and he does not drink. He loves me and our animals to pieces. He would never do or say anything to hurt anyone. He is working hard and going to school full time to become a CPA. Granted the man is not perfect by any means, but he over came his past amazingly. I have known kids in similar situations who just went on to be messed up clones of their parents. Joe is a complete 180.

[mindy10]

I just hope he doesnt harm the bunny in any way because he is jealous of it. I dont like what your mother in law did. you better keep and eye on the bunny. I hope him or his family are never alone with your bunny. You might want to give the bunny away. I dont see your husband getting any better. People that that dont get better. God forbid if you have any kids with him. is your mother in law going to slap it if it does not want to go to her. or your husband be jealous of the baby. Babies need alot of attention. I would run and never come back!!!

[Beka27]

I’ve read bits of this thread and the only thought I have is that people criticize and/or hate what they don’t understand. I can imagine that the idea of vegetarianism is something that is so foreign to him that he doesn’t know how to react to it. He is probably (understandably!) concerned about the effect this will have on his life. Does he cook or do you? If he is a meat-eater, and you are a vegetarian, will he need to cook for himself if he does not already? My sister is a vegetarian but her husband is not. She still cooks dinner for him, many dishes that include meat. So he might be concerned that he’ll have no option but to stop eating meat. Have you discussed whether you will still prepare meals with meat even if you are not eating it?

The adverse reaction to your bunny sounds like immature jealousy, plain and simple. The bunny is your focus, not him. That would make many people upset if it was something they didn’t have an emotional attachment to. What if he started spending hours everyday doing “xyz” and excluded you?

[KelseyCupcakes]

@Beka27: Actually, my husband has a hobby that comes before me. Yu-Gi-Oh cards (it’s like poke’mon cards). When he wakes up in the morning instead of saying good morning he goes on his i-pod to look up the newest Yu-Gi-Oh card, then he gets out of bed to go to the Yu-Gi-Oh card virtual playing website which he plays for HOURS and tells me to clean. Then, he religiously leaves every Tuesday to go to a hobby store where a bunch of nerds play Yu-Gi-Oh cards. He’s there 1 pm-9 pm. I beg him to stay once in a blue moon but he’s only done it twice which he was the biggest jerk about it. I play with my bunny for max 30 minutes then he tells me to come see him but when I ask for him to come hang with me, “No, cuz I’m playing Yu-Gi-Oh and have to make a video of it for youtube”. So, 70% of the time I’m alone cuz he’s playing Yu-Gi-Oh or working.

[KelseyCupcakes]

I talked to my husband this morning because he was upset he had to clean the garage and I didn’t help him because I’m sick and I told him, “you know, I don’t know if I can be with you because you get upset at anything plus you don’t love animals”. And he was like, “I’m upset because you are not a meticulous cleaner! And, animals don’t come before a marriage you married me not the bunny” and I said regarding the cleaning, “I try! At least I try!” and he said, “Well, not good enough you need to try harder and idk if that means you have to go to a bootcamp (huh?) or go to your mother’s for a week so she can teach you…and I’m sorry about the bunny I just get upset because it’s not clean I know you clean but it’s not good enough and it upsets me that’s why I don’t want him out and I’m sorry about making fun of you for being vegetarian I will never do that again.”

So, I don’t know how long I can believe him or how long I can stay. Frankly, his mom makes everything worse because he’ll be totally NORMAL then she says something about cleaning or me and he turns into Jekel and Hyde. I HOPE if we move out away from these FREAKS he will calm down. And if he doesn’t, I’ve decided I will leave because I cannot live like this forever BEGGING my husband to let my *future* Rat, Bunnies, Cat(s), Bird, whatever! out to play. I don’t want that! I need someone who loves animals as much as me and won’t let them rot in a garage with nothing to do. So, thanks guys for your help, concern, and experiences. But, I know my choice I will make if this continues into our lives together alone. I will leave, but for now I will stick it out till I get my career and move.

Also, my Husband’s mom’s cat I believe is sickly because there is discharge coming out of her nose so my husband made an appointment and I plan to tell the vet everything about this poor girl. She’s never had any shots so I hope she will not die. I hope they take her away, idk, I’ll see tomorrow. Thanks a lot guys. : )

[Stickerbunny]

He sounds rather sexist. o.O I doubt it will change when you move, because he’s not going to cut off ties with his family and she’ll still make comments to him via phone / visits. Hope the kitty is OK, it might just be an infection, but I doubt they’ll take her away – there isn’t any legal abuse from what you’ve said so their hands are tied unless kitty gets seriously injured and is in obvious pain and then not providing vet care would be grounds. I’m glad you’ve decided you won’t put up with it though and if you need encouragement to keep to that decision you know where to come. You deserve a lot better than how he treats you!

[Monkeybun]

Tell him to get off his ass and do some cleaning if he doesn’t think it is adequate enough. Ugh. Men like him drive me insane.

[KelseyCupcakes]

@StickerBunny: Thanks hun, I appreciate all of you guys for talking to me the past what, couple days? It’s help me deal cuz I have no one to talk too. And, drats! I really really wish they’d take the cat away because she’s like 9 years old and deserves so much better. Haah, I guess I love animals more than my own being. Btw, random and out of nowhere but does anybody know where to get some online animal activist shirts like for example, “Don’t Shop, Adopt!”? I’ve been dying to get one that has a bunny on it or something with bunnies on them! ASPCA doesn’t have one. : (

[RabbitPam]

I also strongly recommend you both get to a marriage counselor. His statement to you about it being “the step before divorce” is bull and true at the same time. Because from your perspective, if he Doesn’t go, it Will end in divorce. There are many layers of issues you have going on, and most behaviors (like objecting to a bunny, children, OCD, criticizing your cleaning, withdrawing into games, etc.) have underlying causes that he’s bring to your marriage that he needs to work on, not you. Of course you will say he will refuse to go, but many men agree to it if it looks like they will lose everything, ie. you, if they don’t. It is actually the first step to saving your marriage, if possible, not losing it.

The “I’ll wait until…career…he stops…he changes…etc.” thinking is a treadmill you will be stuck on indefinitely. There is no reason to tolerate bad behavior and poor conditions today. Get help today. It will make a better tomorrow come sooner. You can change yourself, but as Joyful pointed out, he is able to change to. He just needs to acknowledge or truly feel that it’s changes he needs and wants to make. If not, there is little that will change for you. I think an objective person who can give you both a plan of action for getting better is needed. Leaving him by deciding on your own or by consulting us on a website without in-person assistance is drastic, even if it is necessary. In that case you also need in person help to make an action plan so you know what your options are and what steps you can take.
But please do something. Don’t wait.

[KelseyCupcakes]

@MonkeyBun: I have to agree with you. He feels he does so much and thinks he cleans SO much better than me but all he does is sit aroound playing cards then goes to work. I don’t work as much but I do a lot more stuff than him. He works at GameStop so all he does literally all day is stand. Plus the manager and the other employees are all good friends from high school. My manager is a B!!

[RabbitPam]

P.S. Often a situation is described really well in a post like this one, as it gets to be long. You’ve mentioned some clear points and some examples that would be really helpful to a marriage counselor to read, even ahead of time, to be fully knowledgeable about what’s happening from your point of view. I would suggest, if you decide to see someone alone or a marriage counselor with him, that you find a way for them to read this post. Email them the link if you’re afraid to print out a copy he could get his hands on. It explains a lot of your troubles with him and his and his family’s issues, and some solutions to try may pop to mind pretty quickly. (Like the apartment thing is just nonsense. He is totally under emotional control and ignoring the voice of reason – yours.) It may prevent hours of reluctant talking for you if you give this information to a counselor before you go, especially if he is right there with you.

[LoveChaCha]

I have to say that.. not all nerds are bad there are good ones.. I’m with one!! He does go to hobby stores but not for long periods of time.

[angie-la]

Kelsey, I hope you received my message in your inbox. Just wanted to double check you got the info =]

[KelseyCupcakes]

@Angie-la: yes, I got it, thank you. But, I don’t know when or if I should go. : (

[Mandyyy]

He sounds sexist to me too… and in all honesty it probably won’t change when you move out. I know of mother-in-laws still giving their kids and their families issues. My grandma (my dads mom) called my mom fat a few years ago. :/ So I doubt it will end.

With the cat, they may not take him away at first but if there is a sign of neglect and cats/dogs need vet care. Specially if they are outdoor cats. If they don’t take him away they may just do check ups on the family (and possibly a fine) and if it doesnt improve then they will take the cat away. Neglect may not be them physically hurting an animal, but it’s still animal abuse and taken seriously.

[KelseyCupcakes]

@rabbitpam: That’s a great idea but I have no money. Aren’t therapists expensive?

[RabbitPam]

Many are, but you can see a LICSW (Licensed Social Worker) who is a trained psychologist, and they usually have a sliding scale to make it affordable for anyone in need. You can check with your school if you’re still in school or an alumni of one if you’ve graduated. Also ask your local Community Center. There’s a national group called Jewish Family and Children’s Services that helps people who aren’t only Jewish. They always have marriage counselors, family counselors and aide to people with health problems. In fact, if he is diagnosed with OCD, he may have a recommended therapist in his health plan that deals with that disorder specifically, so you can call your health plan and ask if they can give you a list of recommendations. Often your plan online will give a list of therapists that you can call and ask about fees. They should list themselves by stating their specialty. You want someone who works with couples.
JFCS may be able to recommend a similar social services organization for someone who is Christian if that makes you more comfortable, but they are not religious based counseling so it really doesn’t matter. Also, the city or town where you live should have a website of government sponsored services that can help direct you.
The phrase to remember is “sliding scale pay” and you probably need to prove it with a paystub. But even if it is more expensive for a private marriage counselor, his job may have a family health plan that covers both of you and if it does, they usually cover several hundred to begin with like it does a physical health doctor’s office visits. Usually it copays a big chunk for at least a half a dozen visits.
You found the best advice site for bunnies, so I know you are internet savvy enough to research a source of help for your marriage.

[KelseyCupcakes]

@rabbitpam: thanks! I am pretty Internet savvy. Plus, I forgot my mom knows a lot of sliding scale therapists. Thanks!

[RabbitPam]

[BinkyBunny]

Posted By KelseyCupcakes on 12/01/2011 05:38 PM

@rabbitpam: thanks! I am pretty Internet savvy. Plus, I forgot my mom knows a lot of sliding scale therapists. Thanks!

I know you said you will be going to school.  If you are in school now, some colleges have counselors/phychologist for free (for a limited amount of sessions) or at a low rate. 

 

[angie-la]

No worries or pressure dear, just wanted to leave it on the table. <3

[Tipsy Bunny]

I just finished reading an article I came across when I was on the Yahoo homepage, and it concerns me. I dont want to go into too much details as it is an extremely sad article that makes me want to cry and punch my computer screen at the same time. But a young woman was in an abusive relationship, and no one knew it from the exterior. Everybody said they thought they were a happy couple, until he shot her, luckily she was only wounded. He has locked her in the trailer and the only way to get out was to climb out the window, all because he didnt want her to leave. After she climbed out she went to a Battered Womens shelter and vowed never to go back, but was eventually persuaded by him as he promised that he would change… and as you might have guessed, he didnt. She would show up to work with black eyes and had to return home promptly so he wouldnt suspect that she left.
My dad always tells me if there is someone that makes me feel uncertain, that they may be great 99% of the time, but its that 1% that has consequences, and its that 1% that could be severe. My dad said that his old college roommate was rather strange, after he decided to move out, his old roommate roomed with someone else, months later, his old roommate shot and killed the new roommate. In other words, if your gut is telling you that you dont belong there, then you dont. It’s your survival instinct kicking in and its telling you that getting out is going to help you survive. And I dont mean not die, but survive through depression, abuse, anxiety, fear, no one wants to live like that, its not a life worth living… Youre only 20, live your life the way you fantasize about. Run away with your bun and seize the moment and feel the freedom. I used to be belittled constantly, then I went to college and was 200 miles away from him and realized that I am worth so much more than him! You are worth more than your husband. Dont let him try to convince you again that he is going to change, we all know that answer… he wont. You need to think of what he has done for you, and all that you have done for him and what have you gotten in return?

[Sam and Lady's Human]

Posted By KelseyCupcakes on 12/01/2011 05:48 PM
So, I just had a wonderful experience with my mother-in-law. She came home early and the dog was in my husband old room and I was walking him back to the garage and she flipped, why? 1) she hates the dog 2) she thinks he’s dirty. Well maybe if he was an inside dog he wouldn’t be “dirty”!! He is a border collie/chow mix and he’s very sweet by VERY annoying (I don’t blame him though because he gets no interaction and he is depressed and lonely). He whines CONSTANTLY at me, and only me! Probably because he knows I’m the only one that cares for him and he’s trying to communicate with me. Anyways, she’s like, “Why dat dog in house?! I toll you he not allowed in! You no listen! You no do nothing! I tired! I tire of it!” and I was pissed because I do nothing? I clean your whole house everyday B! I thought to myself as she was yelling at me, “you know you don’t deserve this dog, you keep it locked up in a garage! You think your house is a pigsty because he’s in Dan’s room? Omg…1 strand of fur?!? Get the floor cleaner and vacuum that’s horrible!! Deal with it B you got the dog OWN IT”… Ugh, I wish I could say that to her but she’d probably lunge at me.

 

It seems like this may have been brought up in another thread, but I don’t remember if it was you. Is it your house or your inlaws? *If* it is your inlaws home, you really need to respect their rules, including ones you don’t agree with. When you get your own place, you can do what you want, but doing things like bringing the dog in the house when you know your inlaws don’t want him there is extremely rude. If they don’t want the dog, look to rehome it yourself. Or talk him for walks or to a dog park or something. 

[RabbitPam]

Kelsey, look. We have rules here about [edit: what is allowed in] rants, and because so many of the members have deep sympathy for your situation and wanted to write to you about it we have been reading your post but allowing it to continue. It is very rare that a post extends to 4 pages.

But your last entry about your mother-in-law is just a basic rant. You have explained your situation clearly, received a great deal of sympathy, suggestions and advice, and have your own family to turn to as well. I think you can’t get any better replies at this point than you have done. I am going to wind up the post now, so no more replies will be added, which will allow you time to carefully read through them again and process all of the information and suggestions you’ve received. Let’s end this post with the understanding that you have a great deal of concern for your welfare along with your bunny’s. But please be aware that we don’t do rants. It’s just not part of what BB is about. If you have any questions about this, please email BB via the Message Center, and I will let her know I am putting this post on hold as well. Take a breath, take action, and be peaceful.
Our thoughts are with you.

[BinkyBunny]

 I deleted the MIL post for Kelsey (as she did understand and tried to delete it but we had locked the thread)

I wanted to close out this thread by saying: It’s okay to have rants and vent,(edited to add– as long as the verbage within the rants does not break any rules and/or remains respectful)…. and as you have found there are many supportive and caring members.  I am amazed and feel so proud of a community that will rally around someone and share their own difficult times to offer support and care.  The problem arises if the  words within the rants break any rules or the situation really becomes more serious and is beyond our realm of being able to help any further.  Though anyone wanting to communicate and help further can message Kelsey. 

There are forums that can focus on relationship/marriage and emotional support and I encourage you to seek those out  as well.  

 You have received some wonderful advice and it’s obvious our community cares about you.  

I wish you the very best with this situation.  

Edited to add:  And of course, please hang out and have fun here.   

 

 

 

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