My heart is broken.

[Bladesmith]

My beloved Clover died in my arms tonight, at 2038 hours EST.

It was sudden.  Around 1500 today, she showed weakness in her back legs.  Scrabbled into her litter box and fell asleep, head under the hay.

About an hour later, I lay down on the floor, something she never missed, for a chance to cuddle with me.  I knew something was wrong.   Checked her over, and she was…floppy.  Like she was stoned or something.  She lost control of her bladder, but still had movement in her hind legs and tail, so it wasn’t a broken back.  Rushed her to my ex wife’s house, she’s a former vet tech and the closest thing to a bunny expert for an hour and a half in any direction.

No broken bones or spine, we decided to keep her warm and restricted overnight, and if no improvement innthe AM, seek out a vet.

We….didn’t make it home.   About 10 minutes out, Clover started throwing her head back and screaming.  She did this 5 or 6 times, then stopped.  She panted a bit, then stopped breathing.  I did my damndest to revive her, she took a few more gasping breaths, and she was gone.

Clover is, was and always will be, the love of my life.  No human being has ever loved me as wholly and completely as Clover did.  She couldn’t wait  to see me in the mornings so she could dance around my feet, grunting her love and good mornings to me.  She loved  hopping into my recliner and demanding to be picked up and hugged and kissed.  And she loved me laying on the floor at night, getting her cuddles and licking and grooming me, showing me all of her love.

Clover brought joy to everyone she met.  The children and the staff at the library adored her.  The librarian with the horrible allergies claimed Clover every time we came in, even though her face ballooned and turned red, and her sinuses closed in like a San Francisco fog bank.  “Worth it!” She’d always say, reaching for the Benadryl.

They loved her at the hospice, where she brought peace and joyful memories to those near the end of their times, sitting quietly with them as the petted her head and remembered their rabbits.

The loved her at my pain clinic, and was the only non service animal allowed through the doors, because she stole their hearts and brought joy to staff and patient alike.

Clover is, not was, the one true love of my life.  There will never be another like her.  I’ll  never have another.  None can compare.  

Clover is buried in the yard she loved to sit on the back of the loveseat and look out the window at.  We buried her with her favorite sisal ball, her favorite apple twig, my shirt she loved to dig at and slobber on, chewy box, and a handful of blueberries, her favorite morning treat.

Binky Free My Love.  Binky Free, and know you take all my love with you.  I loved you best I could, and gave you the best life could.  Forgive me my failings.  I will see you again when my time comes.

I felt I needed tell you this, my friends, while it was fresh in my mind.  Because the next week or so is going to be difficult.  I have to help my daughter through her grief, and the other pets their confusion.  Clover was queen here.  They already miss her presence .

I….need to go sob for a while.

Peace.

[MountainBuns]

I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m actually brought to tears reading this. She sounds like a wonderful bunny. And I know you loved her with all your heart. You gave her the best life possible, you cherished her, cared for her, sacrificed for her and protected her. And she’s will always love you.

(((Binky Free, Along with all the Wonderful Buns, Lovely Clover)))

[BingosDad]

Oh my friend I am so very sorry for your loss and that she passed in such a way. She sounds like a dear friend. Your description brought to mind my Bingo, she liked me to lay on the floor too so she could reach my head. (Unlike your Clover she was more half cat I think, she’d come by for some loving and then off she went to sit under her favorite end table) But your story brings tears to my eyes as well. Just know that you provided a loving home to dear Clover and that is a wonderful thing. The pain is awful now, and it will take time but it will get better, sometimes I think it leaves a “hole” in our hearts but other times I think “no, it left a monument of memory” which is a good thing and a very hard thing at the same time. Just know you are not alone.

[Azerane]

Oh my gosh, Bladesmith I am so very sorry. How shocking and heartbreaking to hear of Clover’s passing. It was clear from each of your posts how much she meant to you. I am sorry for your loss.

Binky free, Clover. You will be dearly missed.

[Sirius&Luna]

Oh Bladesmith, I’m so sorry. We all know how much you love Clover.

It sounds like she brought joy to many people in her life, and she’ll be very missed. And I have no doubt that you gave her the very best life possible.

I hope that Dawn and your other loved ones can bring you some comfort during this tough time.

[Phil]

This is so very sad, sounds an amazing bunny, I understand just how you feel I loved my Jasper more than anything else in my life, I now have a new bunny also called clover, my heart is broken for you,she was an amazing bunny, very very sad for you. X

[joea64]

I’m so, so very sorry. Binky free, Clover.

[Bam]

Oh Bladesmith, I’m so sorry for your loss. Beautiful Clover. ❤️?

[Tony's Mum]

Oh Bladesmith my love, my heart is broken for you x

[jerseygirl]

I am just so saddened by this news, Bladesmith. I know she was your heart. I’m so very sorry.
***Binky Free, Miss Clover!*** Truly one of a kind.

[Asriel and Bombur]

Bladesmith, my heart is so sad for you. I always loved reading about the special bond you guys had with each other. I’m sure Dawn will be keeping a close eye on you over the next few days. *Binky Free Sweet Clover*

[Q8bunny]

This post breaks my heart all over again. :'(

I know how much you two meant to each other. Blind men could see the glow of love between you from miles away.

It’s so wrong that these amazing and fragile creatures can exit our lives so suddenly, and yet the sun rises as if nothing’s wrong with the world.

Try to find some comfort in Dawn and your daughter.

For what it’s worth, Chewie and I are sending love. xx

[Flakie]

Aw Bladesmith I’m so saddened to hear of the passing of your beloved Clover. My heart breaks for you I still feel the pain of losing Flakie.

On reading your story I’m so glad Clover was able to bring joy to the people in the hospice and the library what joy Clover must have given them. What a wonderful thing to do.

I’m heartbroken for you. I find it hard to put into words what to say when tears are running down my eyes.

My thoughts are with you . Binky free sweet Clover x

[sarahthegemini]

I’m so sorry to hear this. Clover was a very special rabbit. I particularly loved seeing the photos of her flopping on her back with all 4 thumpers in the air. She was so funny. It was clear that you two had such a wonderful bond. I hope you and little Dawn are able to comfort one another. Binky on (not so) little one xxx

[Vienna Blue in France]

Oh no, Bladesmith !
I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your darling Clover.
She was so lucky to have had you as a friend, and although it seems agonisingly quick at the end for us humans, we can only ask that our animals do not suffer for long.
What a shock it must have been, and it will be so hard to get through the next few hours/days/weeks.
What a bad, bad, crappy month it has been for our buns all over the world.

((( Binky Free dear Clover )))

[Bladesmith]

Posted By sarahthegemini on 8/15/2018 11:29 AM

I’m so sorry to hear this. Clover was a very special rabbit. I particularly loved seeing the photos of her flopping on her back with all 4 thumpers in the air. She was so funny. It was clear that you two had such a wonderful bond. I hope you and little Dawn are able to comfort one another. Binky on (not so) little one xxx

Just for you, Sarah.

[sarahthegemini]

You’re too kind, I hope you don’t mind but I have saved the picture on my tablet She really was an extraordinary bunny  Sweet, sweet Clover xxx

[MountainBuns]

She’s so wonderful, such a beautiful girl

[Gordo and Janice]

When I saw your comment for Bam to “go look for Clover”, I took pause. Didn’t quite understand. And, of course, now it makes sense. 

The way you talked about her in different threads and the stories of the way she picked you as her hooman touched me from the start. Beautiful how you two found each other in the chaos of this universe and could enjoy each other so much. I haven’t seen you commenting as of late. I figured you were busy getting ready to move or just busy with life and I always assumed and pictured Clover on your shoulders, or demanding to be literally picked up and loved on like you described, or pulling at your socks to get you on the ground for her interaction with her most loved and favorite being in the world. It always made me smile. Made me happy to think about such things. Now I cry with the same degree of sadness and hurt. I always wish there was more I could do than just typing out words to try to convey feelings, give encouragement, and empathize. I hold your relationship with Clover dear in my heart. Kind of a shining example. Something so very special. So sorry Bladesmith. So very sorry.

Binky free {{{{{Queen Clover}}}}}

[Bladesmith]

Thank you all. I feel the love, and it is helping. Bunny peoples are the best. But God I miss her so.

[Daisy]

I’m sorry to hear Bladesmith! You’re right, no bun will ever replace Clover but I found even though the thought hurts, it’s a good thing because it’s what makes her special! I’m sure there are plenty of buns willing to groom her on the other side of the rainbow bridge, she was such a pretty lady.

[Gina.Jenny]

so sad to read this, binky free ((Clover)), such a special and loving bun x

[pinknfwuffy]

Oh, Bladesmith. My sincere condolences for your loss. This forum is such a special place, where strangers come together and fall in love with the creatures we share here. It also brings a communal sense of heartbreak. Every post you wrote about sweet Clover was filled with adoration and pride. She was truly one of a kind. Binky free, sweet girl.

[kurottabun]

Oh Bladesmith, I’m so sorry. I’m sure many of us here have been blessed just by reading about the bond Clover had with you. Take care of yourself and may Clover binky free over the bridge with all the lovely buns we’ve lost xx

[LBJ10]

I’m so sorry Bladesmith. Clover was a special bun indeed. We all wish we could have a cuddly bunny. But, as you know, that typically isn’t the case. There was a reason Clover came to you, even if her time with you was short.

[Bladesmith]

I’m still in shock. I keep walking out in the morning, expecting to see her sitting in my chair, waiting for my arrival, like she did every morning. And when I don’t see her, my heart breaks all over again. I keep seeing her out of the corner of my eye.

I’m so thankful for the time we had together, and I know that she made me a better person. Clover brought out a side of me I thought long dead and buried, a gentler, more loving side. I’ll be honest, after my divorce, I put all that stuff on a shelf in a dark locked box. Clover…made me live again, instead of just going through the motions. I know people outside of this group who have never known the love and trust of a rabbit won’t understand it, but you guys will. You have to grow into the kind of person your rabbit thinks you are.

And I can’t deal with getting another rabbit right now. Poor little grumpy ninja bunny Dawn can’t figure out where her big sister has gone, and keeps looking for her. The two of them used to sleep together in my chair, snuggled together. Now Dawn just sits there all alone, looking forlorn. I have to remember she’s grieving as well, and is more at a loss than I am. She can still smell Clover but can’t find her. It’s got to be confusing and upsetting for her. We’re trying to give her more attention than usual, and she grumps about it, but I think she needs it. I know I need it. Suddenly having NO rabbits would be, for me, Hell. I’m thankful Dawn is here, even if she’s nothing like Clover. Her little chins and nudges are what’s getting me through.

Part of me doesn’t want another rabbit. I think that’s natural. They pain of losing Clover like this, is causing me to have a selfish moment where I just can’t deal with that pain again. I wanted to die. I felt like the soul and heart of me had been ripped right out of my body. I still feel that way.

But….I’m planning a move middle of next year. Going back to Tennessee, where my daughter and I were happy, and where the weather doesn’t keep me inside 8 months out of the year. Where they have better schools for my daughter, and a better standard of living than we do here. There’s ONE dedicated rescue I know of up there. And I know that so many bunnies need a good home. I have learned, through my time here, how tragically underrepresented rabbits are in the rescue world, and how much help pet rabbits need. Had I the money and the health to do so, I’d open my own rescue. After reading some of the rescue stories from up there, there’s clearly a need.

So yeah, I feel the calling to save another life, and to give another bunny a safe and and happy home, for however long they get to stay in this world with me. The love of a rabbit is not like the unconditional love of a dog, or that of a cat, you have to earn the love of a rabbit. I think I owe it to Clover to save another.

So once moved and settled in again, I will rescue another. In Clover’s memory. She’d be disappointed in me if I didn’t.

But it is SO hard to get through my day without her.

P.S. When I go to my pain clinic or the library, they always ask after Clover, if she’s not with me. So it was this week. I told them what happened, and to a person, they all wept. That’s how much she was loved. That’s what I’ll always remember.

[sarahthegemini]

I’m heartbroken for you Blade. The love you have for sweet Clover is just wonderful and although it’s a sad time, it’s nice to hear you talk so fondly of her.

I don’t think it’s selfish to not want to go through pain like this again. I think it’s just lovely that you are wanting to bring another rabbit into your life when you are ready. Of course no bun will replace Clover, new bun will have their own little quirks and you’ll love new bun in a different way.

I hope Dawn is okay. I think it’s tough (possibly tougher than we give credit for) for animals to lose someone, whether that be another furry companion or a human. Simply because they don’t understand what has happened. But she is obviously in very loving hands so I hope she is able to come to an understanding of sorts and move on. When she is ready of course.

[Gordo and Janice]

My heart can’t possibly feel the intensity of the pain where you are at in this moment. I am many months removed from such. But there is genuine weeping with pain in my heart for you, your daughter, Dawn, and Clover.

[Tony's Mum]

Bladesmith,

I’m so sad that your heart is breaking like this. I know this must be so so hard fon you. I completely agree with your need to take some time, but Ithink it’s amazing that you are willing to open your heart and home again in future. I know you can never replace Clover, but you can feel that love again. If there is anything I can do to help please let me know.

I really am sorry.

Helen

[September]

Bladesmith, there are no words that will ease this for you. Only time can do that. Your words about having to earn the love of a rabbit are so true. It is not an easy road, caring for a bunny. But the rewards far outweigh the worry and the responsibility, and, yes, the pain we have to go through when they leave us. My husband says definitely no, he will never have another bun because he couldn’t go through it again. The hurting is still immense and we will never get over loosing Timothy. It’s like a wound that looks OK on the outside but never properly heals.

But, my take on it is this. We are human, and we are pretty strong. If we can make another bunny happy in his/her short life, then someone, somewhere, will give us the extra strength to deal with the inevitable when the time comes.

Your story of Clover made me cry and I am heartbroken with you. She was obviously one very special bunny.

Sleep tight, Clover

Xxx

[Sofia]

Sorry I’m only hearing of this so late. Clover won all our hearts over with funny pictures and stories about her, I know I laughed for days when I seen that photo of her flopped over. Life is cruel to have taken her away from you. But she will forever live on in your heart, take care of yourself. Binky free Clover

[Hazel]

I’m so sorry for your loss, Bladesmith. Clover was one of my favorite BB bunnies.

Binky free, beautiful Clover

[Bladesmith]

One last note and I’m going to let this subject go. I had NO idea that Clover was so popular here. I find it to be a testament to her character that she managed to capture the hearts of people who are spread all over the world, who share this board.

And that, I think, is the best legacy and memorial anyone, rabbit or rabbit slave, can hope for. I hope when my time comes, I’m remembered at least as fondly.

I’m an atheist, but I sincerely hope that some day when I cross that bridge,Clover will be standing on the other side, thumping her foot and saying, “What TOOK you so long?”

[Luna]

I’m so sorry BladeSmith . Thank you for sharing her with all of us. I too am fondly reminded of that pic of her with all 4 legs in the air, so blissful and not a care in the world. Hugs for you, Dawn, and your daughter.

Binky free Clover

[Author]

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