It feels like I’m drowning…if you can spare the time, unbiased opinions please. **UPDATE**

[Rei]

This is a long post, so be warned before diving into it lol

I am loosing sleep, not eating, battling anxiety and sadness all at once. I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to evoke sympathy for myself, because I don’t accept sympathy. Everything that life hands me will be overcome. Its just right now I’ve hit the biggest road block of my life…yes I’m still younger…early 20s…but no one can tell me that the things I feel are not real, or that I am being childish. I have had to hold down 3 jobs and college all at once before, have paid out of my own pocket for my 4 semesters of college, have paid off one car on my own and now am paying off this one I own now, out of MY pocket. I know what being responsible is. I know what its like to work 45 hours a week. I have been told I am way beyond my years, and I’m not trying to boast, but just want to make  aware of who I am and make people think twice about how they might think I’m just young and naiive…I am not. (that paragraph wasn’t intended to sound rude btw…sorry if it sounds like that)

Ok that rant was rather serious..sorry! lol This is what I am facing right now…I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He is the first person I have ever been with, and no one can tell me that I don’t love him. I love him dearly and he has helped me through the worst part of my life, of being severly depressed and a scared timid person and helped me become a confident and independant woman. He broke down my wall that I had that kept everyone away and showed me how to open my heart and love and be loved. Three years later I feel like I can absolutely trust him.

The problem is..he lives 10 hours (600 miles) away…Seeing him isn’t the easiest thing, and often times I don’t see him for 2 months. Its been incredibly hard. We met online, actually on a forum like this, though it was a forum for health issues, not bunnies lol We started just talking as friends on the forum, then on facebook, then through text, then over the phone. We talked for 6 months, until we realized we were a little more interested in eachother than just friends. So we decided to meet. Now I know most of you will be horrified that I decided to meet this stranger in person after only talking to him over the phone, but I wasn’t stupid about it. It was in a public place and I took a friend and made sure she knew exactly where I was at all times. Anyways, to the point, he turned out to be a complete gentlman and during the 3 years he has met my family lots of times and I have been up to visit him where he lives and met his family several times. So no (and I emphasize this because I have heard it more times than I can count over the past 3 years) he is not a creeper from the interent and he is who he says he is and is completly SAFE

He is getting ready to buy a house, and I had every intention of moving to where he lives within the next couple months (let me add that based on my financial cababilities, I am not moving in with him so that I can be supported. I will hold up my end as well). We would love to get married and have children, but obviously I am not going to marry him until I know that we can get along when I go from seeing him every 2 months, to every single day. Its sort’ve like a trial run I suppose you could call it.

So here I am, all ready and determined to go. For the sake of causing less confusion, I will lable my boyfriend as “Greg” and this other guy ”Jay” (neither of these are real names). Well Jay goes to my church. He is about 8 years older than me but he is just so funny and is such a sweet heart and is so caring. He is the all around good guy I suppose you could say. I have never been into the christian boys…I suppose because I’m not sure that I even believe in a God or not, but for some reason I have not been able to stop thinking about him. He is literally always on my mind and I love spending time with him and just think he is wonderful!

Well recently he told me that he really liked me, and he knows I have a boyfriend so he said he doesn’t want to cross any lines, but he felt like he needed to tell me and he just thinks that I’m wonderful. I know that I like him too…I mean I REALLY like him…I wanted so bad to just kiss him but I am not a cheater. I would never cheat on my boyfriend…I love Greg so much, and the thought of leaving him rips my heart out…but at the same time the thought of moving 10 hours away from all of my wonderful friends and family is now making me dreading moving. I was all set and ready to go to move with Greg, but then out of no where Jay walks into my life, and the balance of the my universe shifts…

So in a nutshell this is my dilemna: 

I really really like Jay. I can see us having a wonderful and long lasting relationship together. I just get along with him so well and I can’t get him off my mind to save my life. However, do I really want to pretend like I care about church and God like he does? I mean I really don’t think there is anything to religion, but thats just a personal view. Also, not trying to be too forward, but an intimate relationship is important to me. With him, I would have to be celebate until marriage (not that  I’m looking to marry him right now, but its just that no intimate situation would be involved with him, and I’m not sure I would be happy with that).

I love Greg so much! I looked forward to marrying him one day and having children. We have a wonderful intimate relationship together, and he is so encouraging and such a confident individual, and his views of God wouldn’t be imposed on me. But moving 10 hours away from my best friends and family is going to be heartbreaking…will I resent him once I have no friends and family around? Also, he is my first, relationship wise and intimately…so will I resent the fact that I never got to experience other men?

I know this sounds like such a bad plot of a soap opera…I don’t mean it to be. I would normally tough things out and figure it out on my own, but my physical health is declining because I am so conflicted over this and I can’t rest until I can figure this out. I feel like no matter what I choose, I’m going to be unhappy…

If you took the time out of your life to read about my sappy personal problem, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! If you have any input, it would be greatly appreciated. Please be understanding, and don’t judge my situation too quickly. Obviously there is so much more than what I can type out. Again, thank you in advance for any words of wisdom, I welcome those words with open arms, as I feel like I’m sinking rather than swimming right now.

 

[Quantum]

Oof! That’s a lot for four or five people to be dealing with let alone one! My suggestions? I have no doubts that you love Greg, but it may not be a “I want to live the rest of my life with” love. I’m sure he helped you through a lot of bad times, but the person that made you more confident and independent was *you*. Yes, he was with you as you went through your depression and other tough times and support is a wonderful thing, but it’s just that–it’s *support*, it’s not waving a magic wand and making you all better. *You* did that and you should be proud of yourself for it.

I really wouldn’t recommend you moving in with him only because going from seeing each other every 2 months or so to, “Oops! Was that your toothbrush? Sorry!” would be a huge change. Combined with moving so far from friends and family and now feeling out your feelings for another guy, it’s kind of a recipe for disaster. Moving closer to him, where you could see him much more frequently would be a better middle step. As far as Jay goes, you don’t know what his personal beliefs are. I have no axe to grind here because I’m an atheist. My husband was a fence-sitter and we discussed things through the growth of our relationship. Jay may be in church because he thinks it’s expected of him by his family, because it’s his main social outlet or because…well, who knows, really. You won’t know until you talk to him, but never pretend to believe in something you don’t–you don’t want to start out a relationship with a lie.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, you have time. Time to think it over. All the time in the world, really. If Greg were to win the lottery and buy a house tomorrow, it doesn’t mean that you have to jump up and run to U-Haul to buy boxes. And if the time comes and Greg buys his house and starts pressuring you about when you’re going to move and handing down ultimatums (not that he would) after you’ve explained to him that it’s a big step and you want some time to think it over, that’ll tell you a lot about what sort of person he is. And it’s a lot easier (if it comes to it) to split up if you’re not arguing over who spent more on the 24-pack of toilet paper and therefore has rights to the lion’s share of it.

[Rei]

Quantum…

First off, THANK YOU for taking the time to read that!! I know for sure that Jay isn’t just going to church because he thinks he has to. He has a passion for God and I really can admire that, but its just not who I am..and he has said that even though he isn’t a virgin, ever since he became a christian he believes in waiting for marriage to be intimate.

I was going to just move to where Greg was and get my own apartment, but I’m so excited to start a life with him…I know thats the less responsible thing to do, but after 3 years I sort’ve just had a desire for it to be an “all or nothing” kind of thing. I know I have time, but staying 10 hours away for 3 long years is taking its toll on me. Greg doesn’t want to continue being in a long distance relationship for more than a few more months. If I don’t decide to move then he will move on, and I can’t blame him, its not a good set up driving 600 miles to see eachother! He isn’t pressing me to move in WITH him, but just wants me to move to be with him. I’m still working at whatever type of job I can get, I don’t have a college degree yet, but he does, and he has a great job, so I couldn’t ask him to move when he is well established there. He does very well for a man his age, and I don’t want him to give that up.

[Elrohwen]

I don’t have an answer for you, because it really is a tricky situation that only you can decide. However, I had some thoughts and maybe they’ll help you think things through and figure out what you want.

First, crushes on others while you’re in a committed relationship are *perfectly normal*. I think we’re taught that once you’re with the love of your life you’ll never look at a man again, so if you do have a crush the guy you’re with must not be “the one”. I can tell you from personal experience that that’s not true. It’s ok to have a crush on someone else, but it doesn’t mean you should leave your committed relationship to be with the crush (or act on the crush in any way). Usually a crush is just that – a crush. It’s exciting precisely because you don’t have a relationship history with this person and don’t know what a relationship with them would be like – in your mind it can be the perfect relationship, while no real life relationship is actually perfect. In every long term relationship things get comfortable (which is actually a good thing) but sometimes our minds like to stir up excitement by being attracted to someone else. You have a long and loving relationship with Greg and from what you say, he’s wonderful, so really really think twice about throwing that away to be with someone else. Jay sounds great too, but we all build up crushes in our minds and you might be building up a possible relationship that is far from what the reality would be. If you actually left Greg to be with Jay, your relationship with Jay might not work out at all. Even if it does work out, it will enter that comfortable territory after a while and you’ll get a crush on someone else and you’ll have to deal with these feelings again. Sometimes feelings are just feelings and shouldn’t be acted on.

Second, to sort of contradict my first paragraph, I think you should really rethink your relationship with Greg. The only things I really got about your relationship from your post is that he’s a nice guy and he helped you feel better about yourself. You didn’t mention anything about how he treats you and how your time together is and I think these things are the most important in a relationship. I’m not saying your relationship with him is fizzling out or anything, just that I think you need to look at it carefully and decide if you do want to be with him for the rest of your life, independent of knowing Jay. Jay should not be the reason you break up with Greg – your relationship with Greg should determine whether you stay with him or not. Does that make sense? You can’t compare two men when you’re in a 3 year relationship with one and just friends with another – you need to make your decision independently of the whole situation with Jay.

Finally, about the moving issue. It might be different where you live, and people might live there for their whole lives, but in my experience, most people I know have moved around and no longer live where they grew up. We all move for some reason, for jobs usually, and I think it can be a huge opportunity for growth. You’ve been with Greg long enough that you have to live together sooner or later (whether it’s in the same house or the same town) and find out if you want to marry. What happens if you choose Jay and some day he has to move for work? Would you follow him? Would you resent that he was taking you away from family and friends? I guess my point is that moving is often inevitable at some point in our lives. If you really want to take the next step with Greg I think you need to just go for it. You can choose to stay behind, end up with someone else, and still move 10 hours away from where you are now. Great things, like the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, are worth making that effort for. Of course, this all goes back to my second paragraph – make the decision about being with Greg on your relationship and where you really see it going. Don’t let the move make the decision for you.

[Quantum]

A couple of questions: are you still finishing up college? If so, are you able to transfer credits to wherever you wind up? If not, are you going to be able to find work where Greg is planning on living? When you and Greg meet up are you always the one doing the traveling or does he come your direction occasionally or is it more or less 50/50?

I’m sure this is only my perception, but it’s coming across as you having to make all the concessions here. I know relationships shouldn’t be like scoring a soccer match (“I’ve taken out the garbage a total of 3.2 a month and you’ve only done it 2.9 times as you can see in this Venn diagram….”), but there has to be some give and take. *You* give up your friends, family, job/school, pack up and move 600 miles after finding a job/school and a place to rent and “better make your mind up soon because the clock is ticking…”. I dunno, it’s just rubbing me the wrong way, somehow.

[Elrohwen]

Quantum, I kind of felt that way too, but I think she has a fair point that he has a great job and she can’t expect him to leave that. I was unemployed for almost a year and couldn’t find anything in my current area. I could’ve found plenty of jobs if I had been willing to move, but my husband was doing so well in his job and I couldn’t ask that of him. Sometimes we do have to make concessions for the other person and know that sometime in our lives they’ll do the same for us. Of course, she’s not married to him, but if they really want to spend their lives together I don’t think it’s asking too much for her to move there.

That said, I do completely agree with your question about whether he goes to see her or she goes to see him, or if it’s split. I think this is much more telling to the health of the relationship than who has to move to be near the other.

[Rei]

Elrohwen..

I guess I’m feeling sick with guilt that I am interested in Jay..its more than just an “oh he is cute”…its a I want to hold him and kiss him…I suppose in my mind I feel like I’m already cheating :/ I know its normal to be attracted to other people, but I literally spend all my time thinking about him and the situation and even dream about it!! Its gone beyond obsessing :/ and I have thought of what would happen if Jay and I didn’t work…then I would have thrown away a wonderful relationship with Greg for nothing. There is nothing wrong with Greg and mine’s relationship. He loves me so much and just brings out the best in me. But your advice of looking at it independently without Jay in the mix, has helped me a lot. Before Jay I was’nt questioning at all Greg. That must mean we are great together, and like you said, a crush is a crush.

Most people where I live stay here their entire lives, and i never wanted that for myself…thats why I didn’t mind moving at first. It wasn’t until Jay that I hesitated and started panicking about leaving everything here. Maybe I thought, “what am I going to miss if I go,” where as before I thought, “what am I going to miss if I spend my whole life in one place”?

Your advice really gave me a new perspective..thank you..I mean that from the heart

[Rei]

Quantum..I have not finished college yet. I have taken 4 semeseters of basic general classes. I can’t seem to figure out what it is that I really want to do, so instead of wasting money taking classes I don’t need right now, I’m taking a break and just working and saving as much money as I can. He has made almost all of the trips over the past 3 years. I have only made 3 of those trips…so he was pulling more htan his fair share of the weight of travel. There were reasons I couldn’t travel to him more, but thats not important right now. I think I would have a better chance of finding work where he is. I live in western PA, and there isn’t much here…he is up about 20 minutes outside of Boston, there is a ton of places to work compared to here.

[Rei]

Let me add that, while he was doing the majority of the traveling, we both were always splitting the cost of travel. Financially it was an equal endeavor.

[Elrohwen]

I’m really glad that my advice was helpful! This stuff is never easy and I think different perspectives can really help get your thoughts in order, so I’m happy to talk if you need to.

[Rei]

Thats the main reason I posted this….I knew that no one was going to be able to give me “the answer.” But people outside of the situation can sometimes see it more clearly and for what it is, and can give that other angle that I couldn’t because of my personal emotions getting in the way of things.

[Elrohwen]

This is off topic, but I grew up in western PA. 🙂 I absolutely love the Boston area though (I don’t live there, but I do have friends there and visit a few times a year)

[Rei]

Wow really!? I’m maybe 25 minutes outside of Pittsburgh, is that near where you grew up? And would you know what I mean if I say: How are “yinz” guys doin?? lol If not then you may not have been near where I am to know that slang that only people here use Boston is beautiful!! I love the ocean there too its just so welcoming!!

[Stickerbunny]

I met my current boyfriend online as well, it isn’t creepy at all to meet that way!

When you are away from the one you are in a relationship with, a lot of times a nice guy is going to enter your head. That is the problem with long distance relationships. It’s hard to _not_ enjoy other peoples company, then think of how easy it would be to be with someone closer, be with them daily, etc. And you have no outlet for your physical affection, so it just makes it a bit harder to keep at bay. Fantasy is just that though, fantasy. And normal.

Take both guys out of the picture, don’t compare them – that is the worst thing to do, because both are going to come up short. Think on them individually and decide who you think is best for YOU. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with “Greg” and a lot of times that can lead to love out of appreciation for the support, not for themselves. Do you think that is what you have? Or is it real love?

It sounds like Jay’s religion would become a problem between you. You have different values, views of life and that is often a problem, no matter how much you like each other. What if you wouldn’t want to get married for years? Could you give up physical relations for him? Would he be willing to wait, or is he seeking a marriage? Most the guys I know who are that religious and carry that belief, are seeking a wife and not a girlfriend (my grandmother is a Witness, none of the guys in that religion can be intimate before marriage).

Personally, I have traveled to be with someone twice in my life. And the first one, gave me my first love which I will never regret and he is now my best friend, even though it didn’t work out (10 years knowing each other). The second, is who I am with now, living together for 6 years now in March. As long as you both are honest, you can get to know someone very well online and through occasional meetings. I would never take back traveling either time, even though it meant leaving my family and friends. And yes, during the long distance portion of the relationships, I did find a few guys tempting – though it was merely the closeness and every day interaction I was missing, not wanting the actual person who was tempting me.

[Rei]

Stickerbunny…

I think it may be that its that opportunity to be with someone NOW that I like, and not having to wait another month until I see Greg again…its hard not to be able to hug or kiss someone when you want nothing more than to do that. Its hard to only have a conversation over the phone or text and not face to face. I mean I have always felt that with Greg I really loved him. Yes he has been supportive and uplifting and encouraging, but I always love making him smile and happy and making him feel loved as well, just like he does for me. He is a child at heart like me and just makes me feel alive.

See I don’t think Jay would jump to asking me to marry him right away, and if he did I would say no, cuz I would want to get to know him for a couple years before I married…but I don’t think I can be celebate for that long…I just feel intimacy is such an important aspect and I don’t want to leave that out of a relationship. And he doesn’t even know that I don’t believe in god…I never told him that. I go to church so that my dad is happy, so I’m sure it looks like I have faith, but really if Jay starts talking about how great god is, I just smile and keep quiet. Everything was perfect when we were just friends. I loved having him as a friend I couldn’t ask for a better one! But since I’ve noticed he is more interested than being friends, I started thinking of him like that. I just enjoy his company because at the end of the day I can’t go home to the person I love, and get very lonely.Thankfully little Molly bun is there at least

[Stickerbunny]

It sounds like you have decided then. It is perfectly normal to long for the physical when your partner is absent for so long, it is hard. But in the end, if you two are really great together, it is worth it to wait, from my experience.

Do you two Skype? Being able to see each other when you talk helps a lot!

[Rei]

I used to skype with him, but currently don’t have interenet at my house…I’m always on the work computer here lol For whatever where I live can’t be set up for wireless..idk why cuz like 2 minutes away the neighborhood has wireless :/ But he is always working when i am and he can’t skype on his work computer.

I guess its that physical comfort that I miss…sigh…I still like Jay…its going to be hard to look him in the face and tell him when I still am so fond of him. I guess its just something that needs to be done..whoever thought growing up was a good idea was crazy! lol

[Stickerbunny]

Ah certain phones can run skype apps as well, if you wanted to look into that.

Yes, growing up does suck. And so do long distance relationships. My first long distance one was with a guy in England, we could only see each other every 6 months. It was no fun at all! The attraction of someone closer is very strong when it is months between visits. If you think he is worth it though and really love him, fortify yourself with the thought you won’t have to do the back and forth for too much longer.

[LBJ10]

I think your reaction is completely normal. You’re young and you don’t have a ton of experience when it comes to men. I don’t mean that in a negative way. Maybe it would help if I explained it through personal experience. When I was young, that is younger than you are now, I met my now-husband. I had gone on a few dates with other guys before, but I had never had a real REAL relationship before. Not like that anyway. I didn’t love any of the guys I had dated before. When I started dating my husband, I fell for him. Hard. I freaked out. I hadn’t been with other guys, as you would put it intimately. So I broke up with my husband and started dating others. I bounced back and forth. I had this need to sew my wild oats, I guess you could say. I hurt my husband, I know I did. But I went back to him and he forgave me. We moved in together shortly after that and have never been apart since. The thing is, I regret what I did. I didn’t trust in him enough or in myself enough. So my reaction was to freak out and do what I did. I have to live with that now.

What you need to do is ask yourself what you really want. Do you love Greg? Or is the love you feel really something else? I’m not saying you don’t love him, just suggesting that maybe the love you feel isn’t what it seems. You said he was there for you during depression/anxiety. You grew with him. He was what you needed at the time. But does that translate to forever? People can change and their relationships can change. As for Jay, it is perfectly normal to be attracted to another person. You said he isn’t a virgin, but now feels that sex should be saved for marriage. I’m not saying he isn’t serious or looking down on him in any way. If he really, truly means it then all the more power to him. You’d be surprised though how many people I have known that said they wanted to wait until marriage and then the “right” person comes along and all that stuff goes right out the window. Not saying that it is something he would do, but it does happen.

[KytKattin]

I can’t really offer advice, but I can tell you a little about my relationship.

I too have only dated one man. We have been together for what will be 4 years this July (having known each other for about 8). I have had a lot of doubts because a part of me wonders what else could be out there, but I can see what else is out there via who my friends date, and it looks pretty miserable out there! I feel like I am too lucky to have found a guy who is so amazing to me. About 6 months after we started dating I was diagnosed with an easy to cure cancer. The sucky part is that it has taken almost 3 years of trying to get my medication right, so he has stuck with me through all the mood swings, temper tantrums, and anxiety that comes along with physically not being right. Just that wouldn’t have been enough. He is at the very least accepting of my animals. He actually loves rabbits, and wants a Flemish giant when we have a house (my thoughts on this: o_O). He is always willing to listen to me, and I really feel like I have a partner in life. So I guess I do have advice for you. Go and move in with “Greg”. You can always move back, right? I am currently living 200 miles away from my boyfriend after practically living together for those last 3 years. It has been hard, but it has made our relationship stronger. Living together (or at least closer) is, imo, the next step you need to take to determine if he is what you want.

[Beka27]

A friend of mine met this guy several years back, moved to Florida (from Ohio) to live with him… and then within 6 months realized that she didn’t like him *like that*, turned around, and moved back. Moving is a drastic step, but it can always be “undone”. You’re not going to honestly know if Greg is the one or not unless and until you are at least in the same city as him (if not the same house), everyday, week in and week out. I would move out there, get a job (even just a “whatever” job), and see how things go. Don’t marry him immediately, don’t sign any type of paperwork for the house or utilities, etc… You’ll know within 3-6 months if this is going anywhere. If it’s not, break ties and move back. Focus on yourself, and maybe then you’ll be prepared for pursuing a relationship with Jay.

Which brings me to Jay. As someone who was raised in a super religious, very strict household, it sucks having to pretend day in and day out. Faith is very often not something that people will compromise on, so if you are yourself, Jay may realize in short order that you’re not the one for HIM. If he’s willing to accept you and your beliefs (or lack of), then it might work, but he’s also not the only fish in the sea. You don’t have to settle and neither should he. I respect others’ beliefs, but if intimacy before marriage is important to you and he’s not willing to offer that, that’s a deal-breaker in my opinion. Without sounding too risque, there’s nothing wrong IMO with just dating some people. You said you’ve only been with Greg, maybe you need to explore other options.

[LoveChaCha]

As with KytKattin, I don’t have a lot of advice, but I DO understand what it is like to be in a long distance relationship.

My boyfriend John and I have been dating for 7 years. It didn’t start out easy, and it still is a bit of a struggle, but as people say ‘there is a light at the end of the tunnel’ and I can feel that is coming (in a good way). John has been at school for 5 years, coming home every break that he can. It is very difficult. He was there for me when my mom was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, and I was a total mess when he left to go back to school. I realized then how he would always be there for me whenever I need him.

He graduates in April, and will be looking for jobs up in Washington (he lives 15 minutes from me if he wasn’t in Oregon) because I’m here, and I’ll be in school soon. He adores my Chacha bun. I told him ‘She is part of the package.’

It is very very difficult. Long distance relationships blow, but it does work its self out if it is meant to be.

[Kokaneeandkahlua]

My first advice is this:

You are hard working, smart, loyal, caring and support yourself. You have two boys head over heels for you, and the number would be higher but that happens to be the two boys that you ‘give the time of day to’ So FIRST-Give yourself a hug, a smile and a pat on the back. Being loved or having someone show interest is not the end of the world. You are obviously a terrific person and need to take a minute to reflect on how successful you are and that you DESERVE to have boys falling all over for you I noticed you said you battled sadness etc-well start with your inner voice because that works and clearly you deserve some rah rah rahing and feeling good about yourself

Now I cannot give you advice on which to choose or what to do. You will choose correctly because you will go with your heart and your mind, and choose what is best for you; not what is best for either boy; but be selfish and know that you deserve the best and you will choose correctly and things work out for a reason. And certainly there will be hurt feelings, but that is always expected when someone puts them self out there to be involved with other people, that’s life and we learn and all three of you will live no matter what you choose.

So, smart successful young girl-go with your heart and be happy and enjoy

[bunnyfriend]

So I’m not sure if what I’m about to write will help, but maybe it will lol.

Okay so I’m only 18, but I dated a guy for a couple years and loved him (I’ll call him J), I broke up with him in January. We go to the same school but he lives an hour away from our school and over an hour away from me. His parents also are very strict and we only got to hang out outside of school about 2-3 times a month and sometimes we’d have to go a month or two without hanging out at all. Towards the ends of our relationship we hadn’t seen each other outside of school for almost 2 months (and this was over winter break even). So during this time I started kind of having a crush on this other guy who I has always thought was attractive and nice but I ignored it because I already had a boyfriend and he is a couple years older than me. Anyways, I felt SO GUILTY. I would never ever cheat either, but I didn’t like that I was interested in this other guy. I really knew in my heart that I loved J but I kind of started to realize that maybe I loved him more like a friend or was kind of losing the love I had.

Then I just started seeing things more objectively and realized that there were some major flaws with his personality; immature, conceited, selfish, never took responsibility for anything, and made dumb excuses for everything. Sorry I’m kind of rambling but my point is, I still loved him when I broke up with him but I just felt in my head (not heart) that it was the right thing to do. It hurt really bad but I knew if I made myself I could stop loving him and that I just needed to end it. Good thing I did, because he turned out to be a bigger jerk than I thought. Now I still get jealous/hurt because he and his friends loudly talk about him desperately trying to get with girls and angry for how he treated me. But I deleted my Facebook (it was making it worse) and have focused on making myself happy. And hey, if I do end up dating this other guy than that will be great.

I know this isn’t exactly the same situation that you’re in, but my point by this is maybe try to just think with your head (even though it can be impossible sometimes) or maybe just go with what you deeply know you want or think is right. And I know this sounds bad, but try to think of what YOU want and not about others.

[Elrohwen]

Rei, I grew up in Pittsburgh – not in the city, but about 15 minutes north in the suburbs. You probably know exactly where I lived if I say it was near Ross Park Mall – everybody knows where that is. lol And I definitely know what yinz means!

[Rei]

LBJ10…yes I do love Greg. But its more of a fondness I have for him I suppose. I think its just hard to love someone fully when they are never around. If he was here I don’t think I would have any doubts and would be so in love with him. But its just so easy to be interested in other men when they can offer that instant gratification of companionship and comfort instead of having to wait 2 months :/ but if he were here, I don’t think I would be looking for other men.

KytKattin…that was my thought: well if it doesn’t work I can always come back home. I won’t be stuck there I mean I won’t marry him right away cuz I want to make sure I get to know him really well before I’m THAT comitted. I feel like after 3 years if I throw the relationship away without at least moving for a while to see what its like, then that will make me an idiot for not trying :/

Beka27…I think what I need to do is sit down and talk with Jay and tell him straight out my beliefs…I feel like if its an immediate deal breaker then I will be better off knowing that right now. But if he is ok with it, then I have some more thinking to do about the situation. Its not fair for me to lead him on, even if I do like him back. I suppose since he was honest with me first, he deserves that honesty back.

Lovechacha…yeah same with me, both guys know Molly is a package deal. She is just like a child, you can’t have me without her

[Rei]

Bunnyfriend….that’s what my best friend was telling me to…to try thinking logically about it. Its just so hard to think with my head when its a matter of the heart. I’m trying, and its making me crazy.

Kokaneeandkahlua….first of all your post made me cry…in a good way so thank you. I really needed to hear that. I know part of my problem is I’m trying to figure out what will make both of them happy…I’ve been so concerned about not wanting to hurt anyone, but I’m hurting myself in the process. I suppose when feelings like these are involved, someone is bound to get hurt. I’m not used to having to deal with this. I thought that my man was the only one for me and that I would never be tempted like this, boy was I wrong. I have successly gone through today without obsessing over this tho, which is giving me back some much needed energy. I think I need to step away from the situation for a little while to clear my head. Again, thank you for such kind words.

Elrohwen…I know where that is! what a small world!

[longhairmike]

shana and i met almost TEN YEARS AGO on an online rating site. (yeah laugh)
i was a_rocker_guy and she was FastUsagi and she lived 950 miles from me at the time.

[SuperCheesetastic]

I really really like Jay. I can see us having a wonderful and long lasting relationship together. I just get along with him so well and I can’t get him off my mind to save my life. However, do I really want to pretend like I care about church and God like he does? I mean I really don’t think there is anything to religion, but thats just a personal view. Also, not trying to be too forward, but an intimate relationship is important to me. With him, I would have to be celebate until marriage (not that I’m looking to marry him right now, but its just that no intimate situation would be involved with him, and I’m not sure I would be happy with that).

WHOA-WHOA-WHOA
Have you really considered lying to a guy just to be with him?

[Rei]

No I wouldn’t lie to anyone in order to be with them. I have never said that I believe in god, I have just never told him yet that I DON’T believe in god. I’ve been avoiding it because it may upset him somewhat, but before I would ever go out with him officially, I would make him aware of my views.

[longhairmike]

know what,, seriously,, just step back for a minute..

when youre a teenager,, every emotion swings from one extreme to another. and it doesnt take much more than a gentle breeze to blow you from one end to the other. thats the most dangerous aspect you have to be aware of and watch out for. whatever you do,, dont listen to any Cure albums,, that will just screw with you more. music can REALLY set off emotions unintentionally. that’s why some good old thrash really helps you remain more objective about relationship decisions.

[LBJ10]

Rei – That’s what I was referring to. You said you have a fondness for him. Is that the kind of love that translates to “I want to spend the rest of my life with him”? That is all I meant. I understand that you love him, but there are different kinds of love and sometimes the human mind can confuse them. That’s the only reason I asked.

[Rei]

Longhairmike… I would never laugh at how you met your partner. Also I’m not a teenager. I may still be on the younger side but I have never considered myself to be “flightly.” I take pride in that I am a well grounded individual and am responsible and have a lot of common sense…but when it comes to matters of the heart, its hard to be sensible. Fyi I love the cure but I hardly listen to tbhem anymore anyway so rob smith isn’t making an impact on my decision lol

LBJ10….I don’t know that why I’m so confused :'( I just know that we make eachother so happy…and I love him, but has the type of love I have for him changed? I hope not, but that’s something I am asking myself.

[Monkeybun]

Heck, even in the early 20s emotions run high. The brain doesn’t really mature until well into your 20s, so you’re still growing up Take it slow, don’t rush into anything you may end up regretting. You have all your life to live still, so think of yourself first, and relax. There’s no rush

That said, I met my husband in an online game… we played Counter Strike for years together ;P

[Rei]

Monkeybun…your right, I need to take this slow. There is no need to rush to a decision I will regret.

[Rei]

Well, I made my decision. I am moving to Boston with my boyfriend in a few months. He drove down for a visit this weekend so that we really could talk about everything, and after many many many tears later, I really feel like after 3 years I need to give us a real shot. If we were meant to be then we will work no matter what. We have already been through so much together. If we don’t work out, I will move back here I suppose. I had to tell Jay my decision, and while he is supporting me now as a friend, I feel awful for putting him through this. I know he is upset, but won’t show it. He told me that he will unfortunatley be more distant from me, so that he doesn’t get hurt. I can understand that. I will just miss what can never be now. I feel like such an a**hole for being so indecisive and flighty before. I know its human, but I hate that I caused any of this, the tears and fears and emotions of everyone involved. I wish I could just erase this. I suppose this is just another part of life. I will move on and keep strong as best I can. Thanks again for everyone who helped me with advice. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it helped. Next chapter in my life: BOSTON HERE I COME!

[Beka27]

I think this is very exciting! A new chapter is a good way to think of it! I know it’s seemed overwhelming (and as someone who has lived in the same city for 28 years, I get it), but I’m excited for you and looking forward to hearing how your preparations to move come along.

[Stickerbunny]

Glad you made a decision. Moving isn’t all that bad, I have done it a few times and Boston is pretty big, so plenty of jobs for you up there. Hope things work out well when you move.

[Elrohwen]

I’m excited for you! I’m glad you came to the best decision for yourself and I think it’ll be a fantastic opportunity. Boston is a great great city and I’m sure you’ll love it there. I hope the move goes well.

[LBJ10]

So you’re going to move in with him then? I’m glad you were able to come to a decision on this, I know it was really hard for you. I think you have it right. If it is meant to be, then everything will work out just fine. If not, you can always move back home. It won’t be the end of the world. I wish lot’s of luck to you and I hope everything works out the way you want it to. This will be a big adventure. =)

[Rei]

Thanks everyone!! I’m still really scared about moving, but I know that I will strong enough to handle the outcome LBJ10, yes I am moving in with him. It will still be a couple months away tho.

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