Giving up

[Deleted User]

Hi all,

Had a terrible night last night that just pushed me over the edge. The past two weeks, any time they are inside they have had constant squabbling. I’ve tried to let it play out as some have suggested, but it consistently turns into a fight when I do not stop it pretty much immediately. Last night, they were not even together for 10 minutes before Quincy kept lunging and biting Ophelia. I kept pushing him away from her, but toward the 1 hour mark he lunged at her and bit and I had a bunny tornado on my hands. I pulled them apart and he ran at her like he wanted to kill her. I scooped her up in my arms and he started attacking my feet and circling me, boxing at my legs and freaking out. I do not know what has gotten into him, but I am DONE.

This absolutely breaks my heart. I have tried so hard and put so much time into this. I cannot continue this with my work and school schedule as I continue upper division courses for my bachelor degree. I have bad back problems that I have had since 16 years old, and I can’t keep Quincy in my room and keep hurdling over this baby gate for who knows how long. I am looking into rehoming Quincy. With a very heavy heart, I talked with my husband (more like mumbled through an endless stream of tears) and we have agreed that Ophelia should stay and it is unrealistic for our situation to try to keep Quincy as a separate single.

I have reached out to the local rabbit rescue, and I have asked that he be put on the adoption page. I have specified that I want him to go to an experienced owner, a family without small children (he is sensitive to stress) and to a home where he will not be housed in a cage. I love him so much…but this is all having a very negative effect on me and I cannot take this extra load of stress any longer. I just truly want him to find a home with someone that will give him everything he needs.  

[Deleted User]

Nooooo! This breaks my heart so much! I’ve been reading your threads and hoping for a good outcome. It started out so positive, that this ending is so sad. Vibes to you, your husband, and the two buns as you make this sad transition.

[Sirius&Luna]

Oh, I’m so sorry. What a horrible situation for you. We all know and have seen how much effort you have put into this, and you have done absolutely everything that you can.

I can imagine it’s been a horribly stressful couple of months doing this endless bonding, and i know what a toll it takes.

I’m very sorry it didn’t work out, you didn’t deserve that at all.

[Deleted User]

I REALLY wanted it to work. And honestly I have been working at this for sooooo long that I just can’t believe it isn’t working. I would continue trying, but they are just getting worse every day that they are together so I feel like it’s time to throw in the towel. Judging from how they behave, I think Ophelia really wanted to be his friend and was willing to work things out, but he wasn’t as receptive of her and he just wanted things his way.

The rescue has a wait currently, and they say it is at least a month but probably closer to 6-8weeks. However, they did say that I could bring Ophelia in for speed dates, and if they find a good match that Quincy can take his place at the rescue.

I am so wary about trying though. I really do want Ophelia to have a partner because I know how important it is since she is alone a lot because we work. But I cannot do another month and a half of dramatic highs and lows that have been gradually declining. Maybe Quincy is just not a good match for Ophelia? Would speed dating and finding another bun be a good idea? Ophelia was nuts when Quincy came home (but she was also only two weeks post spay and had never seen another rabbit since 8 weeks old. Maybe now she would be more relaxed with another bunny? I just don’t know about it all…

What do you guys think?

[BearMom]

Just wanted to pop in and say I’m so sorry it didn’t work

[Sirius&Luna]

Since there’s a wait for the rescue anyway, I think its worth going back to keeping them entirely separate. Maybe if they stop having to interact every day, a bit of a break will make them more likely to get on better if you introduced them again in a month or so (if you could face it… no judgement at all if you can’t). It’s hard to know, and I know its exhausting just thinking about.

Would the rescue not do the bonding for you? I can see why you wouldn’t want to go through the process again, but its a shame that if you found a likely match through dates, that they wouldn’t help solidify the partnership.

Alternatively, is there anyone else, not necessarily from the rescue, that could do the bonding for you? Either with Ophelia and new bun, or Ophelia and Quincy if you decided to have another go. It took me quite a lot of searching in the UK, but I did find a few ‘freelance’ bunny bonders as it were. (Of course, my experience with the bunny bonder did not work at all, but it does take the pressure off you). I found that places that did rabbit boarding often offered a bonding service, so that could be a place to start looking. If you DM me your area I’d be happy to do some research.

I also found a couple of bonders through instagram. I’m not sure if you’re on instagram, but the instagram bunny community is amazing, and if you can find other bunny owners near you they might have recommendations too.

All of that said though, no one would blame you if you just took a long break, and relaxed a bit before getting into all the bonding stress again!

[joea64]

I’m so sorry – I know how hard and long you’ve worked on this and I really thought from your accounts that it was going to work. I know it’ll be tough but if you can get the rescue to work with you they might be able to find a better match for Ophelia with speed-dating.

As @Sirius&Luna suggests, though, you may not be totally out of options if you can find somebody experienced with bonding that can do the work for you.

[sarahthegemini]

Oh BN, I’m so sorry that it has taken such a drastic turn. I wonder what on earth happened that made Quincy respond that way? I really thought they were making wonderful progress  

I can completely understand how exhausted you must be and how depleted you are *hugs* I wonder if a break and a fresh start is what they need? It might be worth keeping them completely apart for a month and trying again, as there’s a wait for the shelter anyway? Or reaching out to professional bonder as Sirius&Luna suggested. 

Bunnies can be so unpredictable

[Deleted User]

I have looked and looked and looked and I couldn’t find any bonders in the area. The rescue will help some with the bonding, but it is mostly up to me. They have about 80 bunnies and they actually drive to other areas in the state when they have calls about a rabbit that other shelters won’t take in. Since they have so many responsibilities, they have very limited resources. And this is the same rescue that gave me the crappy advice I posted about last week… but I have you guys so I’m not worried about their “advice”. Basically, they would just be giving me a neutral area to do bonding.

My husband and I think that Quincy is just a jerk. He hasn’t even tried to compromise with Ophelia, and he is just getting more demanding and I think that honestly Ophelia is getting annoyed with him trying to push her around and that is what is causing the frequent issues.

We both think that it might be worth it to give it a go with a different rabbit. Ophelia is clearly willing to have a friend, and I feel like Quincy and bonding is just taking a massive toll on her too. It’s to a point that I am clapping or shouting or picking one of them up so often because they keep fighting. I would hate to hinder my bond with her by continuing this.

I know we just moved into a new area that I have thoroughly cleaned, but even going back into the kitchen it’s the same thing. Quincy is just being too damn stubborn. Ophelia just tries to hang out and do her thing but he’s got to go mess with her. And she does nip him, but that’s after she has spent so much time grooming him and he refuses to do it back. Then he totally overreacts about a little nip and starts a fight. It’s just too much for me to deal with him.

[Deleted User]

It’s so discouraging because I have given them sooooo much time and I have been so patient. And they did SO well for the first month. Starting about two weeks ago they got more nippy but I noticed that Ophelia usually tried to just get away from him after a spat. But this week has gotten dramatically worse. That’s why I think Ophelia is just getting sick of his attitude.

I just don’t want to waste more time, you know? He has been home with us for nearly 4 months and I just can’t deal with how much time I’ve given them between pre bonding and bonding and they are still not able to get along. I just don’t want it to be all for nothing because at this point, I feel like I am in for another 3 months of this and then I will constantly worry about a fight breaking out when I’m not around.

[Sirius&Luna]

It sounds like he’s not compromising at all, so perhaps they are just not right for each other. (Also it turns out maybe that shelter’s advice was right after all, and we were all wrong!)

It certainly sounds like Ophelia is willing to make friends, so I definitely would give it another go with her in the future. I do think you need a break first though, especially if you won’t get much support from the shelter. Take a break and spend some evening doing something other than bunny bonding!

[ThorBunny]

**hugs** BN, I know how you feel, and I’m sorry your bonding experience was so much like mine!

I will say that after a few weeks, I was able to see that rationally it was best for both buns to be separate from each other. And I hope Quincy will find a good forever home as quickly as Boo did! If we lived closer together I might even take him and see if he would work as a bondmate for my darling girl

Take some time. It really is the best for everyone. I’m in graduate school so I also tried to ram in bonding during the summer months, only to have it bleed over into the school year and cause extra stress. You owe it to yourself to take a break and come back to it in a good head space when you are ready! 

[sarahthegemini]

Yes, spend some time relaxing and cuddling with Ophelia!

[Deleted User]

Thanks for the support guys! It is so defeating.

I’m not sure how long it will take for Quincy to get a spot at the rescue, so I’ll have some time to take a break.

He can be so sweet sometimes and I am really going to miss all his nose licks

[Mikey]

Im so sorry to hear this I completely understand. Not all pairs will bond, just like not all people will get along. It doesnt mean you did something wrong, and it doesnt mean you didnt try hard enough. You did what you could, but they just would not get along.

I dont think Quincy sounds like a jerk bunny, but he definitely is very dominant and it doesnt sound like Ophelia submits enough to his liking. Its great that you have an understanding rescue that is willing to take them when they have space. Im sure they will be able to work with him and help him too. And who knows, maybe someone is going to come in with a super submissive bunny who he matches with perfectly one day I think if you choose to try to bond Ophelia with someone at the rescue, you should wait a week or two first for any nerves she might have to settle. So she can meet them on a fresh start, so to speak.

[Deleted User]

Oh yes I definitely want to give her a break. And myself!! If I had the capability of keeping him as a single, I would. But that is too inconvenient long term. I truly wish I had the space. Someone messaged me who was interested in adopting him. In the spirit of total transparency I told them that he is a chewer, and they will have to make preparations for that. She said she is nervous about that and will think about it. Oh well, I would rather be honest. I want him to find a home that is a good fit where he will be cared for long term, not given up again.. someone else may not be as candid as me and I would hate for him to bounce around homes. I told the rescue that I am willing to let someone foster him and if it doesn’t work out I will take him back and try with someone else. I just want to make sure that he ends up somewhere that he will be cared for as much as I care for him.

[Q8bunny]

Jeez… I’m so sorry, Noob. I know exactly what you’re experiencing, since I had high hopes for Chewie with one of our fosters back in the early days. She was a lovely girl and i thought she’d be perfect for the wookie, but he was tiny-bully Quincy and Teyla was poor darling Ophelia .
Your reasoning, despite the torment and heartache you must feel, is sensible and natural. As simplistc as it sounds, if Quincy finds a suitable single-bun home and Ophelia a loving husbun, all the pain will become a fuzzy memory. You really did make a monumental effort with those two. I wish all of you the best and am sending heaps of hugs and noserubs.

[Deleted User]

Thanks Q8!

The rescue says I can bring Ophelia in any time to do some dating and let her pick a bachelor.

I think it’s best for us to take a little break from a 2 bun household though. The past 3 months have no doubt been very stressful for her **and me**

[Deleted User]

Reflecting on this whole ordeal, I think that Quincy didn’t act this way in the beginning because he was stressed. He did spend a lot of the sessions sitting in one spot and Ophelia would go over and cuddle him. She was pretty relaxed from the beginning. But I think that as Quincy got more comfortable, he thought he could just boss Ophelia around. I think that’s why things went so well and then flopped. The last three sessions we did, he seemed to have really gotten the idea in his head that he could charge at Ophelia and intimidate her. She tried to avoid him, but I think she just ended up aggravated at him.

I think I have learned a valuable lesson though. Having an experience like this will make an easier bond seem like a walk in the park! I know that “dates” aren’t really that great of an indication if bunnies will bond, but it may help Ophelia to find a more compatible companion and we can work from there.

[DanaNM]

Aw man, I’m so sorry to hear this. I too what got into him, that is such a dramatic turn of events.

From all the posts it really did seem like they were progressing, albeit slowly. Some bunnies just wont compromise… (Bertha had a failed bond in between Bunston and Moose where I think something similar happened)

Such a bummer, but I’m really glad to hear you are going to give it a go with speed dating, and I’m sure Quincy will find a great home.

. . . The answers provided in this discussion are for general guideline purposes only. The information is not intended to diagnose or treat your pet. Seek the advice of your veterinarian or a qualified behaviorist.  

[Mikey]

Its awesome youre able to learn from the situation! I definitely agree that these past few months will help you with future bonds. I wish you both luck when youre both ready

Dates can go really well, actually. Its the recommended tactic to use when adding in new rabbits to the home where there already is a rabbit. If the current bun has a successful date, the chances are pretty high that they will bond together. Just make sure Ophelia is comfortable so she can find another bun who matches her ‘true’ personality.

[Deleted User]

Thanks everybody!

Tomorrow will be Quincy’s last day with us. But, he’s going to a woman who is grieving the recent loss of her bun that she rescued and had for 9 years. So he will be with someone who has a lot of experience taking care of buns, and that gives me just a little bit of a warm heart knowing that he will be cherished.

[Boston's Mama]

This breaks my heart , I went through this a couple of months ago after my boys stressed each other so much that one got sick , it’s so a hard. It does make it easier though knowing my other boy is in a great rabbit knowledgeable free range home and bonded instantly to a different bunny friend , you will find it eases the hurt greatly knowing your boy is in a great happy environment where he doesn’t need to defend his territory.
It sux though. And Quincy is soooo adorable!

[Bam]

BunNoob, I totally support your decision. It seems you’ve found the perfect home for Quincy. My buns Yohio and Bam wouldn’t bond so they had to be kept apart, separated by a gate that divided the appt in two. I do think Yohio was a happy bunny, but not until he sadly passed did I realize that Bam hadn’t had the best life he could have while Yohio was there. Bam blossomed after Yohio was gone. It wasn’t that he’d been neglected or not had all his needs seen to, it was just like he gave a big sigh of relief. So I’m totally with Boston’s mama about rehoming one bun if there are irreconcilable differences, IF you can find a really good new home. And it seems you have found a great new home for Quincy, where he will be very much loved.

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