I lost my baby girl Mischa this past Sunday evening and I can’t stop thinking about the “what if’s”.

Saturday morning I found Mischa lethargic on the couch, when she would normally be active and follow me into the kitchen to watch me wash her and her sister’s morning salad. She has had a few episodes of GI stasis and even overcome what we think was a blockage before, so I immediately tried her vet. They couldn’t get us in, as they closed at noon, but they scheduled us for the soonest available, which would have been first thing Monday morning. I asked if we could get her regular cycle of meds (gut motility, sub-cutaneous fluids) that she has always responded well to, to tide us over until the appointment. They said they would try, and if they could get them they would call me before they closed at noon. At this point Mischa was still on the couch, I tried to feel her stomach and it felt hard/swollen like a balloon. I remember the feeling from her first major scare and suspected blockage, so I knew how serious it was, and I called her back-up clinic — sent straight to voicemail. While waiting on the call back from her primary vet I started researching our options for urgent care. At noon I never got a phone call back for the meds, so I packed Mischa up and went to our closest urgent care that could handle rabbits.

They noticed her temp was down, so she sat in an incubator to warm up before they did x-rays. I mention she’s had a history of stasis, and this seems similar to her first (and most serious) instance, especially with how bloated her stomach is. I never got to see the x-ray but the doctor said it was consistent with stasis, they couldn’t see a blockage.  I told them the medications she had taken previously and that she responded well to sub-Q fluids that I had to administer myself every 12 hours. They acknowledged me, and they said they would give her some injections of the same/similar meds and administer fluids once they could get her temp back up to normal. They said she was digging on her blanket while they were treating her, which I thought was a good sign that she had enough energy to do so.

We were sent home about 4-5 hours later with critical care and some syringes of pain meds. No fluids or extra gut motility meds, just orders to feed critical care every 4-6 hours, and to give 1 syringe of pain meds every 24 hours starting the next day. They also told us to go to a specific clinic as an ER if she didn’t get any better or got noticeably worse.  That night I only managed to get maybe a tablespoon of the Critical Care in her (and it was extra watered down), but she started stretching out a bit more afterwards so I thought that was good. She also drank some water and ate a sprig of parsley, so I went to bed worried but hopeful.

Sunday AM she was just laying by the water bowls, and she was noticeably bigger. She felt chilly around the ears so I would warm a towel in the dryer for a bit and then lay it on top of her to try and warm her up. She resisted the pain meds a bit, but she took them. I felt her stomach again and it felt just like the last time, when we suspected a blockage. I really struggled with whether or not to force feed critical care, as it stresses her out so much and I know feeding a blockage only puts more pressure on her stomach and other organs. I went to look up emergency clinics but the one recommended to me doesn’t open until 5pm. I spent the day looking up/calling every emergency clinic nearby in the meantime, none of the ones that are actually open will take rabbits. I start to panic.

I remember I have a half-full bag of sub-Q fluids from her last episode in late April, but I don’t have any needles– just a used one still attached to the bag. I start calling the ER clinics again just to see if they would give me fluids or even just the right needles, but they can’t or won’t help me. I’m agonizing over what to do. I notice Mischa seems to struggle to sit up now, and just kind of slides forward on her front paws. It hits 5pm. I call the ER recommended by the urgent care people… they don’t treat rabbits either. I’m breaking down at this point– I start thinking maybe I should just feed her the Critical Care anyways, blockage or no blockage. Or do I risk the used needle on the fluid bag? She’s obviously getting worse but I’m paralyzed, I don’t want to make it any worse and no one within an hour away from me will help. Even if they could, I know treatment would likely require surgical intervention at this point and she’s turning 8 this week. I hated the idea of driving an hour+ out, handing her off for surgery and never seeing her alive again. I’m starting to think this is it, I just need to hold her and keep her comfortable at home, and I’ll just have to mentally prepare to find her in the morning.

My partner was comforting and helping me, he checked that the fluids weren’t expired and found out we could actually buy the same size needle at Tractor Supply, about 15 mins away. I think it’s our best shot, so I put Mischa back by the water bowls where she seemed to want to be, kissed her and told her we’d be right back. But I think she left as soon as we did. I hate that she passed and I wasn’t there. I should’ve just tried the old needle and sent my partner out to get the new ones, so I could watch her. My only comfort is that her sister was with her, so she wasn’t alone, but I can’t stop seeing her there in that spot by the water bowls. I hate that I agonized for so long and I’m wondering if I messed up by not forcing the CC, or if I had just used the fluids anyway, or fought harder to get them from the vets, would she still be here? If only we had thought of it sooner. I hate that we didn’t even get to try it. I feel like I failed her, and now my little sunshine girl is gone.

My partner of course says it’s not my fault, and sometimes I can convince myself that we did what we could in a bad situation, but I think it would really help to hear from other experienced bunny owners. Is this just something that goes away with time? I’m also trying to stay strong for her sister Nova, who is still with us. It’s so hard to continue the daily routine with one missing bun.