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I lost my sweet baby Binkie… almost one year ago. September 24, the worst day of my entire life. I’m so sorry for the long post, but I just want to get this unbearable weight of my heart. It would mean the world to me if you read this.
This is so hard. It kills me to talk about it. I lost Binkie, the love of my life to horrifying gas and GI stasis, last September. She was almost three years old. I’m so heartbroken that I haven’t been able to write this until a year after I lost my beautiful princess. I was still so traumatized and in a mess. This unbearable amount of pain is still so heart-wrenching and cold and cruel. Binkie was the absolute love of my life. She was a tossed handful of pretty stardust, glitter and flower petals that stole my heart. I was so obsessed with her. I got her as a baby bun in March 2019, when I didn’t know what I was doing and mistakes were the only things that I was making. I didn’t really like her then since she’d scratch me and bite me multiple times for no apparent reason, and she always seemed to avoid me at all costs. But I didn’t stop fighting for her to love me, and eventually she did. Our hearts were so inseparable that she would always stay close and put her paws on me when she had separation anxiety, and wanted me to cuddle her and keep her close. There were so many times where I almost lost her but she got up and kept fighting like a warrior through it all.
I noticed that she had been ignoring her food and pressing her tummy constantly against the floor one night, so I gave her some simethicone and herbal tea. She was okay after that and started to nibble on some hay and greens. She was on and off pooping for about a week and at the hospital day after day, and then that’s when I just didn’t know what to do. I was so scared it was going to worsen, and the staff at the last hospital didn’t do anything about it. We bought her to a different hospital. She was a little weak and dehydrated, and when they gave her her a scan and showed us the results, her whole tiny body was filled with large painful gas bubbles and she had an enlarged liver. They put her straight on IV fluids and painkillers and gave her some medicine for her liver (she had already had her maximum doses of simethicone at home). I slept with her that night, and she was exhausted.
A couple days later, I woke up and she had soiled herself. She hadn’t done that in years. She was still eating and pooping (large oval-shaped, not liquid), but a couple hours later she was in extreme pain and had lost all her strength and started to struggle to support her head and hold herself up properly. It was so disturbing and heartbreaking. Her body was ice cold. We called the hospital frantically over and over, but it was closed and there was no answer. I held her tightly trembling in tears, and she started violently convulsing and breathing so fast. I just cuddled her and cried and cried, and told her that I loved her. She kissed me… then she just shrieked softly… and she was gone. I loved her so freaking much it’s unreal.
I think I lost her due to intense pain. I was so worried about her eating and pooping and being warm and loved, that I didn’t bring her back to the hospital for more painkillers. I just didn’t know… I wasn’t told that she required it. I know maybe there was nothing more that I could’ve done, but it’s all my fault and I still feel so horrible. I loved her, you know. And I failed her. I failed.
She asked for so little, but taught me so much. She was beautiful. Her fur was this beautiful color of luxurious cocoa and caramel, and her tiny paws reminded me of two miniature fluffy clouds. She was so good at using her litterbox and loved to kiss and cuddle. She used to purposely sit her booty on the dustpan and refuse to move. It was so hilarious. She loved snoozing in sunbeams and binkying to her heart’s content. No other bun dared to do binkies more than her. Whenever I’d catch her chewing or destroying something that she wasn’t supposed to, I couldn’t be mad at her for more than a second; she was way too adorable for that. She was a foodie. If she’d hear me shake or even crinkle the pellet bag, she’d come zooming at a million miles per hour, stand on her hind paws and make the cutest puppy eyes ever. She’d stomp and throw tantrums over the tiniest piece of banana. Sometimes I’d catch her just sitting there, patiently waiting for the food cupboard to open. She acted like I starved her. She loved licking sticky stuff like lint roller papers. She was so bouncy and moody and playful. She would thump when I cried. She was irresistible beyond words. She was so weird, but she had the most prettiest heart.
Binkie, I’m so comforted that I was there to hold you and love you in your last moments. I promise you, that was all I wanted to do. I love you beyond the stardusted skies, my love. Thank you for allowing me to spoil you and love you and for teaching me what unconditional love is. I miss you terribly, and I’m so sorry for all of the mistakes that I made along my heartfelt journey with you. I love you.
❀ Binky free my beautiful baby Binkie ❀
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