First of all I’m sorry everyone but this is gonna be a long post.

Its been almost a week. Last Monday I made a decision to get my baby neutered. It wasn’t the spraying I was worried about, I mainly wanted the my Koton to live longer, be happier, and most of all not feel lonely. I wanted the best for him. 2 oclock I get a call from a vet that Koton is out of a surgery recovering and should be ready for me to pick him up by 5. I thanked God. 3 o’clock they call me and tell me he had a cardiac arrest.

I rushed over there begging God to not take him. I’m no stranger to loss, far from it, I’ve lost family members and friends and close ones to death, also not stranger to emotional and physical pain. I get there and my gorgeous little furball is laying on a table, tubes down his throat, doctors are pumping oxygen into him, doing CPR, doing everything to save his life. They we’re fighting for 2 hours. He didn’t make it. God took him.

I got home and went into tears for the next several hours. I’m a 37 year old grown @$$ man and I was balling with tears. I almost never cry. And never in my whole life did I cry this much. I broke my arm long time ago, didn’t cry, instead I snapped it back in it’s own place and went to a hospital. 3 years ago I somehow lost my equilibrium and collapsed while holding a glass of water. I couldn’t get up, there was nobody home, if I would have went unconscious I would have easily bled to death. 15 minutes later finally was able to get up and drive myself to urgent care to get 13 stitches among the permanent nerve and tendon damage. I didn’t cry. You could stab me and I’d be like “ow, you @$$hole”.

I’m not the crying type, my entire life basically sucked, black sheep in a family, always used and abused physically, financially, mentally and emotionally by exes and friends. 20 years of clinical depression with attempted suicide. Barely ever cried. Handled sh!t. But this – I can’t even explain.

Stomach shut down cause I couldn’t eat, Tuesday I was ok and even cleaning his cage putting everything in a corner cause it was so hard to look at the empty cage. It wasn’t until I got to the scrunched up newspapers when I remembered how he used to pick them up and run around me almost as if he wanted to shoe me how good of a pet he is and how he’s earning his right to be petted. I broke down like a kid again.

Wednesday we picked up a new bunny, black 7 months, neutered, lion head, cute, but absolute demon thing by now, but we care for him. I put the carrier in a cage and say “common little Ko…” then look at my girl she says it’s ok honey. I look at the new furry in a cage and break down again.

Thursday and Friday without tears. Saturday I came across the poems that folks wrote about bunnies that passed here on binky bunny forum and had another MASSIVE breakdown. Went in the bedroom to be alone cause I needed to be. Let my girl play gta in peace and I’m in the bedroom squeezing the pillow and balling my eyes out.

Now it’s Sunday and my eyes are teary as I’m writing this. My throat is tight, chest feels heavy, eyes are wet.

We will honor his death because I didn’t get a chance to give him a burial. Doc said he never lost a patient. Didn’t charge me anything. He was sad too. I’m glad he tried hard to save his life. I ran my hand through his side as a final goodbye before I went home. So we will honor his death 3 ways – 1 I’ll make a collage with his pictures this week if I can handle it, if not I’ll wait, we’ll carve his name into me and my girls special bench, and we’ll train to do a sprint triathlon in 2016.

Meanwhile we got a new one who’s a little devil. Beyond curious, beyond crazy. As I read somewhere – lion head bunnies think they’re lions, not bunnies. But we will love him a lot too with time. Little steps.

But you know what? Not a minute goes by that I don’t wish I had my baby back. To have him in my lap, to lay down on a floor just so I can pet him, just to see him pick up that scrunched up newspaper and run around one more time. I would do nearly anything to have him back.

I’m sorry for rambling but maybe you guys could help me a bit on how you dealt with the pain when your bunnies passed. Do you really believe in that rainbow bridge? It sounds so good, I so hope it’s true. For me it wouldn’t be heaven if I could never see my Koton again.

I love you koton. I miss you my baby and you will always have a special place deep in my heart. Ill never forget you, I’ll always love you, and hopefully one day I’ll be able to walk across that rainbow bridge with you next to me.

Ah sh!t here come these damn tears again.