Muffin

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BINKYBUNNY FORUMS

This topic has 13sd replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 1 month ago by LongEaredLions.

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- 12/01/2015 at 7:37 PM
  Muffinluv
  Participant
  243 posts
  I wished I didn’t have to make this post so soon. He was only two years old. I don’t know if any of you remember me, I wouldn’t expect you too as I didn’t post often anymore, but I still feel I need to tell the world that a light just went out. It’s hard to find people who understand the pain I feel. If I got a nickel every time someone said, “Why don’t you just get a new rabbit?” I would have a bag of nickels to bash their face in.
  
  Anyways… On November 21st at 2:35 PM my little Muffin left this world. I couldn’t believe it at first. Two weeks ago I had a dream where Muffin died, I woke up and snuggled that little brat until I stopped crying. I wished so much that I could wake up this time, but I didn’t. I was snuggling with him mere moments earlier. He hopped away from his ear scritches to use the toilet so I took the opportunity to get my things together before my shift at 3:00. I usually start my commute at 2:40 so at 2:35 I went to go give him goodbye kisses. I had no Idea I was too late for a final goodbye. He was still sitting in his box, chin resting on the edge. I paused for a moment since he usually runs straight to me every time he sees me. It was horrible, I just said “You’ve got to be kidding me.” and pulled his whole box towards me.
  
  I held his little body for so long, I found myself unable to let go. I felt like I betrayed him; what I used as an opportunity to gather crap was really my last opportunity to say goodbye. I couldn’t understand. After a few initial, futile attempts at pumping air through his still lungs I descended into hysterical sobs. I didn’t want to say goodbye, it was too early for him to go. I managed to pull myself together to call in at work. I said I wasn’t coming to work, an action I didn’t carry through with later. My boss told me to call back in ten minutes to finalize my decision since I work with puppies and they’re great at relieving sadness. He was always my emotional anchor. Whenever I was sad he would hop over, I would snuggle him and his furry face would wipe away my tears. I let him soak my tears for one final time. I held him tightly, as if my sheer will for him to be alive would save him.
  
  He was my life. My routine revolved around him. I can’t sleep at night because I haven’t tucked him in yet. I cry in the morning because I start making his breakfast. I cry throughout the day because I know it wasn’t a dream this time, it was real. I’m an artistic person, and I find my grief is easier to deal with when I make art. I drew a portrait of a rescue dog who, due to various circumstances, I’m no longer able to work with and it helped me be at peace with the situation. In this case I’ve started with a poem, although I’ll also be drawing a portrait of him.
  
  I still can’t believe he’s gone.
  
  We were the perfect partners, and together we saw light.
  
  When I’m with you I feel true bliss
  
  but now I just see night.
  
  I promised all too much to you, but what did I provide?
  
  I should have been right there for you
  
  the moment that you died.
  
  You trusted me in every way, you shouldn’t have my love.
  
  Your body lies beneath the Earth,
  
  Your soul, I hope, above.
  
  I think about you always, in a box outside so cold.
  
  How could I be so heartless as
  
  to let you rot and mould?
  
  I love you, I can’t let you go, I need you at my side.
  
  besides you I have nobody
  
  in who will I confide?
  
  Your furry face, your soft embrace, all these things I miss.
  
  One question leaves me broken down,
  
  “How did it come to this?”
  
  Rest In Peace my Muffin
- 12/01/2015 at 9:24 PM
  LBJ10
  Moderator
  17058 posts
  I saw this post and my heart sank. Of course I remember you and I’m so sorry to hear that Muffin has left us. How awful. I’m sure it was a shock too. Poor little thing. You tribute to Muffin was beautiful. It’s obvious you loved him very much. I’m sure he knew that.
- 12/01/2015 at 9:27 PM
  MoxieMeadows
  Participant
  5375 posts
  Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear about this. Muffin was a beautiful soul who will be dearly missed.
  {{{Binky Free Muffin}}}
- 12/01/2015 at 10:06 PM
  Kokaneeandkahlua
  Participant
  12067 posts
  I remember Muffin I’m so sad for you
  
  Don’t torture yourself thinking of what you were doing in those final moments, you weren’t away when he needed vet care, there was obviously nothing you could have done. I think your dream gave you that extra appreciation of your final weeks with him. He knew he was loved.
  
  I’m so sorry for your loss-it’s not ‘just a bunny’ -it was your Muffin.
  
  {{Binky Free Muffin}}
- 12/01/2015 at 11:24 PM
  MimzMum
  Participant
  8029 posts
  I also remember you although I don’t post here very much these days. I am so very sorry that Muffin has gone. :'(
  Your tribute is beautiful. That you loved him so very much is shining through every word. ((((((((((((Sending huge hugs))))))))))))
  There are no words that can help heal the sorrow we feel at the loss of such a friend. But I’m sending vibes of prayer and comfort to you at this very sad time. xx
- 12/02/2015 at 2:12 AM
  Q8bunny
  Participant
  6345 posts
  Oh gods… that’s awful. I know what you mean about the dream – ever since Chewie came into my life I live in terror of losing him (nightmares… the works). I can only hope that your pain dulls and the love you felt for Muffin remains like a warm glow after a fire has burned out.
  
  (((binky free Muffin bunny)))
- 12/02/2015 at 5:26 AM
  Bam
  Moderator
  16977 posts
  I’m so sorry that you lost him. It was all too soon. You snuggled with him just minutes before he went. He knew he was loved.
  Your words to him are beautiful and heart-breaking.
  
  Binky Free, Muffin.
- 12/02/2015 at 7:01 AM
  LittlePuffyTail
  Moderator
  18092 posts
  I’m so very, very sorry. Your heartfelt words made my cry. How lucky Muffin was to be so loved by you. May he remain always with you in your heart.
  
  (((Binky Free Beautiful Muffin)))
- 12/02/2015 at 8:37 AM
  Muffinluv
  Participant
  243 posts
  Thank you all, your words mean a lot. I’m still guilty in the crime of blaming myself for his passing. I know there wasn’t much I could do at this point but I can’t help feeling that I should have noticed something was wrong. I did my research, I knew all about the signs of a sick bunny, and it still didn’t do him any good.
  
  Thank you for your support.
- 12/02/2015 at 9:09 AM
  Vienna Blue in France
  Participant
  5317 posts
  Sorry to read about your loss. Your words are powerful. From what you have written, there were no signs, to you, someone who knew Muffin so well.
  Nothing you could have done. And he seemed happy enough just beforehand.
  Sometimes in life you can’t keeping looking for the answer, or keep blaming yourself (blame, for what?) – in time it will get better, I promise.
  At least you were with him right at the end and not after a long shift at work.
  I get the feeling that even if he had been in your arms he maybe would have asked to be put down to relieve you of the pain of ‘feeling’ him go.
  Animals sense these things and he was certainly a lucky chap to have had the wonderful 2 years that he did with you.
- 12/02/2015 at 9:20 AM
  Vienna Blue in France
  Participant
  5317 posts
  I read this years ago… you may know it
  
  To mourn too long for those we love is self indulgent –
  But to honour their memory with a promise to live a little better for having known them,
  gives a purpose to their life – and some reason for their death.
- 12/02/2015 at 10:01 AM
  LongEaredLions
  Participant
  4482 posts
  As this post was loading, I was whispering “oh please let it not be OUR Muffin….” Oh MuffinLuv… my heart breaks for you. Of course I remember you, and I think of you often and miss you on here. Your Muffin was one of my favorites. I loved all his stories, that naughty, adorable, little cheeky bunny. I know we can not possibly imagine what you are going through. but sending all my hugs and love to you. Losing a bunny is always hard, but when it is so sudden it is especially difficult. The poem you wrote was beautiful, it would be a lie to say I am not crying. Rest in Peace sweet Muffin, you will be missed.
- 12/04/2015 at 5:53 PM
  Muffinluv
  Participant
  243 posts
  Thank you Vienna, I read something along those lines on a grief help website. I’ve been trying to make that my goal. Muffin brought me so much happiness; it would be unfair to him to stain his memory with so much grief.
  
  LEL, Thank you as well. It really is hard, I was so not expecting his passing that I struggled with accepting it for so long. It just seemed impossible to my mind; he was young, he appeared healthy, and he seemed happy and cuddly. I just wasn’t ready for him to go. I suppose we are never ready for our fur babies to leave, but when they get to a certain age, we begin to accept the possibility. Muffin never crossed that threshold.
  
  Whenever we get an elderly dog or a dog with a terminal condition at the kennel, we always worry for them and keep a close eye on them. My boss says that as social animals, dogs try to get away from their “pack” when they feel ready to die because they don’t want to burden their family. She always worries about those dogs because the kennel is about as away as a pooch can get from his pack. I wonder constantly if that’s why Muffin ended the cuddle session himself. Usually I would trip over him on my way to the door. I mean, when he needed to pee he would usually hop to his litter box, but if I tried to escape while he was doing his business he would launch out of his box after me, leaving a trail of pebbles behind him. I wonder if he really did hop away because he didn’t want me to be ‘burdened’ by his passing. If that’s the case I’m really not doing him any favours by constantly crying.
  
  It’s been really hard, the Wednesday after his death was my Birthday. When I convinced my parents to let me get a bunny, they decided to pay for him as an early birthday gift. That made this birthday even more difficult. On top of that, my friends had all purchased bunny toys to give to me. They felt really bad and said they could go return them and buy me a gift card but I decided instead to have them donate them to the local humane society. At least Muffin will bring some joy to the shelter bunnies in some way. It’s still all so raw in my heart. Almost every day I would sit on the couch, Muffin flopped on my lap, and I would say to my mother, “Thank you so much for letting me get a rabbit.” with all the grief I felt recently, it’s been days since I last said it, but I managed to today. Muffin was the best birthday gift in the world, and I’m so happy I got to spend two wonderful years with such a bratty fluff ball.
  
  He really hopped away with a piece of my heart. But I know that one day, another furry creature will claim a sliver of his own as well.
  
  Tis better to have loved and lost
  Than never to have loved at all.
- 12/04/2015 at 9:01 PM
  LongEaredLions
  Participant
  4482 posts
  I am so glad that even in your grief you are able to acknowledge the wonderful times you had with Muffin and be thankful for the time you had with him. That is always the hardest thing for me. It is so nice that you decided to give the toys to the humane society.
  (((((continued hugs)))))
  
  ETA: I just saw the lovely picture that you posted/your avatar. What a handsome boy.
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