Right on!  Get rid of the guy!  You deserve so much better.  I’m sorry you are going through this.

there you go sweetie.  get mad.  you deserve to be respected & appreciated.  period.  anything less than that isn’t worth putting any further effort towards.  think of that carrie underwood song “the next time that he cheats… oh, you know it won’t be on me”  and thank your stars that this happened before you married & had kids.

(umm… you know that i brought up that song cause it’s a good anthem to sing out loud and NOT because i advocate actually doing the stuff she sings about right?  k good.  i thought you’d get that.   you’re too good for that kind of stuff anyways!)

Lion Lop,

You’re right. You’re done with him, it’s your decision, and you’ve got the energy from your anger to move on. Good girl!

PLEASE re-read your post, “What do I do now?” It is filled with good suggestions from many of us that want to help you with those next steps.

I hate to say this, but a word of warning: IF you get really angry to his face now, he may use that as an excuse to back out on all of his obligations to you regarding the rent, etc. Definitely get him to remove his stuff (YEA!), but please, sweetie, have a plan for what you are going to do if he just cuts you off financially, regardless of what he said before. (Men can really behave badly toward an angry woman because he’s feeling guilty to start with and he doesn’t want to take your side. He’s already a heel in his own mind, so being a worse one isn’t a leap for him.)

If you can tell him what you just wrote CALMLY, coldly, and quickly, in other words, hold it together and keep the upper hand so he can’t use your anger as an excuse to back out of what he owes, do that. I know it will be very hard. But he has a responsibility to you and to your landlord, and he knows it.

By the way, how do you know he slept with her last night? Did a “friend” tell you? Are you watching him? If someone told you, besides him, they are not anyone you need for support right now. I don’t like the sound of that at all. Turn to your own friends there, not “our” friends.

Make an appointment with your counselor for this afternoon, so if it really upsets you, you will have someone to turn to immediately. OK?

Write soon.
(((((Hugs))))))

grrr.  i’m angry too.  give him a piece of your mind, but don’t be shocked if he completely cuts you off.  if he does that, i’d seriously consider breaking your lease.  you’d owe money, but he would too.

Good Girl!! Get angry!! It’ll help you!!

But yeah, like rabbitpam says, you want to be calm cool and collected when you talk/write to him It’s hard, but you can do it!! It’s totally true that if you ‘lose it’ you’ll lose the upper hand too (ok, i should take my own advice sometimes too )

(((((((((((VIBES))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

Oh my god honey, I had no idea it was your friend as well!! What a terrible girl!! I hope Ian was a little gentle when he said he’d dropped him off there!!! Ok, I hope we’re allowed to do this, I’m going to anyways
************BAD VIBES FOR CAROLE***********
Sorry, that was mean, but she deserves some bad karma!!!!!

I don’t know what to say!! I’m really glad your angry though, Its so much easier to be mad then hurt, at least for now I think that’s good. I’m glad your seeing the counsellor so you can vent. Do you have anywhere (a car, or outside, or…) where you could go and just YELL? I think you should yell. Well, that helps me sometimes.
**((( BIG HUGS))) ** Your doing well hun!! Hang in there!!!

oh ick.  you know what lion_lop?  this reminds me of my girlfriend’s situation.  her husband of 7yrs (they’d been together 15 total) started seeing her friend & co-worker & ended their marriage for this disgusting woman.  their boys were 4 and 6months old at the time.  my friend pushed for counselling but when he didn’t show she said “thats it.  its over.  if you want a divorce you pay for it.”  and they split.  my friend had to go on working with the other woman until she eventually quit because no one would talk to her anymore.   and he eventually married this other woman.  a real peice of work each of them are.  perfectly suited for eachother in my opinion.

let your your ex-friend & your ex-boyfriend skulk around like the cheaters they are & know that they deserve eachother.  she’ll never ever be able to be sure he won’t do the same to her will she?  karma’s a beeotch.

i’m so glad for you, that you’ve found this anger.  as long as you stay behaving respectibly you will keep your moral upper hand and your anger is just the fuel you need to get over him & get out.  vent away here girl!

Grrrr. I Knew he had a buddy in the background! It just smelled funny. (Well, let’s face it, you have about a dozen people pulling for you with our bright ideas and suggestions too, so it’s never just the two of you.)

I am very proud of you for taking this next step, and so glad you made the appointment with C. for today.

No, he’s not the person you fell in love with. We all grow and change, and not always for the better. But you are too, and from what’s happening it’s clear that you are coming into your own and standing up on your own two feet. That’s probably not the scared kid he took up with years ago too.

Take deep breaths.
Focus on your midterm.

It’s possible that nothing really concrete has to happen in the next few days. Put it back on your own terms. If all bills are paid on time as of this moment, then back burner them if you need to until AFTER your own exams and papers are due.
Even if you hadn’t split, you’d probably be getting him to give you some air so you could study and finish the semester. Well, he’s not as important at this moment so he can just cool his jets and wait until you are ready to deal with him. Tonight, next week, whenever.

Cutting him off: absolutely fine. Email is good.

And by the way, I may be full of advice for you today, but I am a nervous wreck because I am sitting by the phone (that wasn’t charged this morning!) waiting to hear about 2 job opportunities that would either mean I move to take one, move in with my parents (at age 50!!!), or am still going broke and still job hunting. It’s always something! So you may hear from me soon, psyche major, to calm me down from an anxious place.

{{{{{{{{{calm}}}}}}}}}}

Rabbit Pam is right “We all grow and change, and not always for the better.” That is the hardest part of falling in love so young.

You have a lot of support here, probably else where if you look. It is amazing how friends show up when you need them. Whatever you decide to do we will support you.

It took me well over a year to get over my divorce. (We had been together for 14 years.) Now, 5 years later, it still hurts sometimes. However, I am much happier and far better off than I had been with my EX.

You are stronger than you know and you will get through it.

Focus on school.

Let your friends – & bunnys – know that you need them – the real ones will be there.

BTW – Is his name on the lease for your appartment? Are any of the bills in his name? If so, he is legaly responsible. Even if he is not – Tell your landlord and service providers – they WILL work something out with you! I know this from experiance.

Sage Cat

  Your anger if you use it in a controlled way is a powerful and needed emotion against Nick.  When you are not angry- but sad and confused it feeds into HIS power.  Be very careful that when he realizes that you don’t NEED or WANT him and he no longer has any emotional control over you- he might do an about face.  But do NOT, NOT, NOT give him a second chance.  I can almost guarnatee that he will not be happy about losing control over you- not that he would EVER admit to it in those terms though.  Fuel your power over the situation by unwavering your stance on knowing that you have seen his TRUE COLORS.  If he even mentions wanting you back- that is a sure sign he dislikes losing his influence over you and wants you to be dependent on him.  It does not matter how much he loves you- what really matters is what type of person he is.

  I firmly believe this- you are young and have a bright future ahead of you.  It will be 100 times easier to sever this unhealthy relationship now as opposed to 10 years from now or if children are ever involved.  Guys like Nick can change- but they rarely do.  They just become sneakier to make sure they are not caught- and have numerous of lies ready in case you become suspicious.  Guys like this have to WANT to change- and unless they want to do this- they play along with counseling, etc and continue their prefered double life.

  I have been involved in a mentally abusive relationship for 16 years now.  I don’t mean where he verbally abuses me. In fact, it  is never what he says- but what he does.  We were together for about 4 years before the lieing and cheating started.  So he had me completely snowed as to what type of guy he really was.  I look back at the times were I was at a point in my life where I could have divorced him- I had the strength and energy to move on with my life- I deeply regret not freeing myself from him, if I had only realized it was more than a 1 time thing……  In fact, I am now convinced that he will never let me go.  The instant I get angry, hurt, upset, etc… he has a million reasons for his actions.  I have not caught him cheating for over 4 years now- but he lies about other stuff- internet porn, etc.  I can see thru his reasons and I know they are lies.  He says he does this stuff for me- lied about where he was because he was shopping for a present for me (came home empty handed), he looks at porn to make our sex better (WTF????).  We start couseling AGAIN on Thursday.  The really, really sad thing is- if someone even told me 1/4 of the tihings that have been done- I would tell them without a doubt to get the hell out of the relationship.  But thanks to him- I am on anxiety meds have horrible tension headaches and am unable to work full time.  In fact- I dislike leaving the house generally.

 You deserve better than Nick.  You don’t need someone else to make you happy.  If you need a snuggle or a faithful friend that is what bunnies and horses are for (and dogs and cats)!

Stay strong-

Julie

Julie you are one wise woman!! That’s great advice and prepping her for his about face to control!! I soo didn’t see that coming, but yeh, now that I think about I bet he will do that…MEN!!! (no offense to the men on this forum!!)

That sounds good….Keep trying to study!! *hugs*

and defo let us know how the counselling and the meeting go.

you will be fine! i am very impressed that you are standing up for yourself like this as many women would just cry and say ‘i want him back!’ you are doing the right thing if he is going to behave that way you dont need him! good luck and keep us posted!

i agree… you need to be assertive!  i find the best way to be assertive – and maybe its just me – is to be really calm, honest and to the point.  i don’t have experience in this situation but since you need to finalize things with him AND try to get as much financial help you can from him as possible, i’d recommend mentioning your feelings - but not acting them out.  something like:

“i’ve been feeling incredibly sad and also extremely angry about the choices you’ve been making, but to be honest i am just very exhausted by all of this.  you need to get your stuff out as soon as possible.  because we both commited to the lease & sharing the utilities and you have opted out, I am still counting on you to help out with your end for the time being until i can make alternate arrangements.”  all said flatly & plainly as possible.  no begging or pleading or asking questions.  then tell him what you want help with / a $$ amount or whatever you’re thinking about asking for.  if he tries to argue his financial obligations you can respond each time with “yeah but we both commited to the lease & sharing the utilities and you have opted out.”   you might irritate him by repeating this over & over if he’s already arguing but stubborn behaviour on this point is not out of line imho.

stay strong.  no matter what / how you negotiate with him… you’ll be just fine! 

I think what bbm said is perfect. Remember to be cool

I agree with bbm and Pam. Be assertive, be the boss, and do your best to not show weakness.

(And, if he decides to be jerk about paying rent/bills, just sell his stuff )

Try watching this video by Lily Allen… best break up song ever!!!!!!!! Maybe not the best idea to try out any of her suggestions! Makes me laugh though. The song is called smile

http://www.nme.com/video/id/HZyTOROlo9E/search/Lily+Allen

how did the meeting go tonight? sending good vibes your way…

I hope the meeting went okay.  One thing about meeting face to face during this time is it can sometimes be easier to get snowed and to believe lies because the anger can  turn into sadness during the meeting, and that feeling is harder to deal with.   (at least for me – I am more of a person that can hear whatever it is over the phone, and not want to see the person.  I’d even make arrangements for my friend to be there with me when he came to get his stuff – I’d ONLY be there if I didn’t trust him to take my stuff)   I mean is there really anything he can say that would make any of this okay?  Hopefully you were able to give him his stuff, and he didn’t put up much of a fight and  he just left peacefully, and you LET the door him him on his way out.  But we all are different, and hopefully you are able to find the method that works best for you.  That gives you strength.

Anger is just another form of pain, and so sadness is likely to also follow or accompany it.   it’s like punching a pillow and then crying into it, then punching it and crying. 

I’m sending strength and peace vibes your way! 

Sorry I am late, work is keeping me busy.

You go Lion_Lop, I knew you were a strong girl, I can only say ditto to others comments.

Hope all went well with your meeting.

L-L, I am sorry to be so late with support. I was following this at work and I was upset for you but not really surprised to hear about a third party. I had a “friend” who was a back stabber on so many levels it was unreal when it all came out.

I hope you maintained enough anger to do what you had to do. You have gotten some great advice. You are stronger than you know.

oh sweetie (((((((((big warm hugs))))))))) 

way to go getting some more $$ for utilities!  good job girl!   think of the crying as shedding more sadness out of you.  going through bouts of crying is so normal & healing.  you must feel exhausted after that meeting, so maybe a bubble bath & climbing into your coziest pj’s is in order as soon as your classes & errands are done for the day.   then you can study away & give yourself a forced break from thinking of all of this.  perhaps your anger will return once you rest up… it certainly helps to find that anger, at least for a little while.

if you’re still finding yourself too distracted to study, how bout finding a new study spot?  like pack a lunch & go to the library for a big chunk of time.  when you’re in a public spot it may be easier to keep focus away from all of this.  re-directing your focus is really important not only for your studies but also for your over-all perspetive of things.  i’m sure ’not hinking about this’ will be really really incredibly hard and may even seem impossible, but its worth some good solid tries.  and it’ll get easier & easier.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

 P.S. To the bunny-loving men on this forum: I don’t mean to make sweeping statements about men, just men who cause pain like this. If anything, I appreciate a decent gentleman even more. A breakup brings out the worst in all of us. Someday I hope to meet a nice man who loves bunnies too!

congrats on your job rabbitpam!!!!!!!!  yay!!!

I totally know what you mean, you feel sick to your stomach and just can’t eat…We call it the ‘break-up diet”. It happens after someone passes away too. Try some soup broth to calm your stomach and get something down. Can you try some shakes, like booster juice or slimfast? Just to get your nutrients during this time.

I also know what you mean about not wanting to strike up conversations in classes. I’m pretty shy. I have learned that if you just smile or at least look approachable, people will strike up convos with you-trust me!

********BIG HUGS TO YOU***********
I am going to suggest you rent some movies and try that to get your mind off things? Maybe your favorite old movies, or some new releases? Also, try not to stress too bad about school, I mean you want to try and do your best, but it’s not the end of the world if you have to retake a course or two. *****HUGS**********

(((((((BAD KARMA TO NICK AND CAROLE))))))))))))))

Me again.
Got the jitters now, but it’s just a p/t job so not so hard.

LL,
Take a daily multi vitamin so you’ll get what you need to boost your immune system.
Also, drink alot of water, juices, and gatorade if you like it. That will boost your potassium and electrolytes, and give you more energy.
Saltine crackers help the upset stomach. Sailors eat them for sea sickness. It’s solid food and carbs, which are comfort food.
Don’t worry about not being attractive and thin. Just forget the future. you’re not picking up any new guys in the next month, so take it off the list of worries.

Do you know what expansive thinking is? Try to keep the worries very, very specific and immediate. If you find yourself falling into the “I’ll never…”, stop and read or watch TV/movie. It’s an anxiety spiral.

Ask your counsellor to get you to a Dr. for a mild prescription of anti-anxiety meds. It takes a week, not 3 months, and some are not regular daily dosages but as needed, like xanax. Lowest dose possible can really calm you a few notches.

Nuff said from me today!

It sounds like it went well all things considered.  You know you are upset but you held it together so that you could get your goals accomplished. 

Stop dwelling on the fact that you fell apart – of COURSE you did.  But you also did what you needed to do, so no more of this “I can’t do this”.  You CAN, and you DID, and you CAN again if you have to.

To be honest, that’s all that any of us ever do.  We get through what we have to.

The “break-up diet” is true all right – I always tried to make a virtue of it.  “Oh well, if I’m going to feel like crap I might as well get some good out of it along the way – it’s not like I’m going to get any MORE miserable, right?”

I’m finally at work again after a week down with the flu (with new bonus acute bronchitis!) I was trying to drop in to check on you  but I was pretty fried myself.  Glad to see everyone else was here for you too.

One day at a time, sweetie!

Did I mention that I also lost 20 pounds in one month after my husband told me he wanted a divorce?

Movies are an awesome little escape from anxiety spirals.

Drink lots of water!!!!!

You CAN GET THROUGH this – in fact you are already on your way.

One day at a time.

good suggestions to take some multivitamins & grab a meal replacement shake when you just can’t eat anything.  you can sip the shake slowly all day and at least its sustenance.  or if your budget is tight a quick meal replacement  blender recipe:  1 cup or so of water… a banana (or any sweet fruit you like)… a hefty handful of greens (spinach is the mildest).  blend until smooth.  easy-breezy.  sounds gross but its not at all… it just tastes like the fruit, its full of fibre & nutrients and best of all its cheap!

being sleep deprived can seriously do a number on your emotional state of mind.  it may take a while to get a good night’s sleep but the best thing to do is just ‘go with the flow’ and let your body sleep when it sleeps.  if you’re just laying there make a point not to fret about no sleeping, but instead decide that you’ll rest & practise thinking about anything else but your troubles (like a dream vacation or recalling the scenes in a favorite movie).

about anxiety meds… my experience with ssri’s has been that they take less than a week to show benefits and maybe twice as long at most until any minor side effects abaited (i had mild headaches).  i’m obviously no doc & not sure if ssri’s are the answer for you, but it’s worth a visit to the student health clinic to see what a health professional has to say about it. 

i’ve been single & overweight for an eternity now but have realized an important thing… guys don’t really care about the weight (well some do but they’re not for me!) so much as how comfortable you are in your own skin.  whenever i’m feeling great about myself i swear it shines through & suddenly i get looks & smiles from the boys.  focus on feeling better inside & no matter what your weight you’ll be a magnet

((((((hugs))))))

Hang in there, LL. I went through an anxiety episode last year, where I didn’t really eat anything for 2 weeks. I felt awful. I was sick if I ate, and I felt really sick because I didn’t. I wasn’t sleeping well, either, and it is amazing how AWFUL you can feel if you are sleep-deprived. Plus, the longer I went without eating, the more I didn’t want to eat.

My therapist at the time told me to set really small goals for myself as far as eating. I managed to eat grapes (which are great, because they can hydrate you, too). She told me to eat one grape every 1/2 hour. At first, this seemed like a huge deal, but once the first few grapes went down, eating became easier. Just set goals for yourself.

I think talking to a doctor about anti-anxiety meds is a good idea – something like Xanax can help you sleep, and you will be AMAZED at how much better you feel once you are sleeping again. Everything that seems awful and overwhelming now will feel much more manageable once you are eating and sleeping more normally.

Take care and sending you lots of good vibes –

Are you letting your friends and family know what you are going through right now? I hope you are not holding back or not reaching out because you might feel like a burden. I know if my best friend called me and was going through what you are going through – iif I had a baby or not, I’d have her come over and stay with me. I know when one of my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her after a long relationship, she hung out with me and my husband (he was my boyfriend at the time). She would come with us to do errands, she would go camping with us – just hung around us for company and comfort. She’d even bring work stuff over to our house and just work – we had no problems with her just needing company.

When my other best friend, who lived across the country, went through a break-up, we’d talk for hours on the phone every night during the roughest time. I did not feel burdened, and I didn’t expect my friend to smile just for polite sake.

When I went through a breakup, I also relied on friends, just to hang out with. My friends didn’t expect me to “snap” out of it, and they just let me be sad around them. Not that I was crying 24/7, but I wasn’t cracking any smiles either.

It’s not like I have a huge amount of friends I feel comfortable relying on. I have three great friends, two are long distance, and one is local. My brother has also gotten me through – so do you have any family that you can rely on too?

What Nick has done is just rotten, and you don’t deserve this.  No one does.   It shows weak character on his part.  

I can understand you want Nick to cuddle you and just be like it once was.  It sounds like Nick is no longer the person he once was.  The person he is now sure isn’t someone most women would want to “cuddle” with anymore.  The other girl is only being rewarded with a weak man.  And she herself is lacking to ever be attracted to someone who she knows is hurting someone else.    So two peas in a pod as they say.

I know that may not make it any easier as you mourn the loss of the Nick you loved – even if he is not that guy anymore today, it’s still a loss. 

It hurts, and will hurt, but you will heal.  You are taking the right steps to help deal with your anxiety, and hopefully you will be able to reach out to friends and family, and they are the kind of people that will take you in their arms, in their heart and wrap their love and comfort around you.

Hugs to you.

(((((((((lion lop)))))))))

it just sucks that you still have to see him around!   and what a jerk he is for acting friendly & like nothing was wrong… grrrr!  he’s sending as many mixed signals to you as he possibly can.  he is truly an egomaniac.  yuck.  he is not the person you fell in love with but rather a person who knows how to play that part really well when i suits him.  when is he getting his stuff out of your place?  i really don’t think it could be soon enough.

don’t worry about the midterm.  you can always take a class again if it’s an important one right?  but before that’s even relevant… i think you should approach the prof & see if you can arrange something in light of your circumstance.  have you been to the student health clinic?

i’m glad you called your friend andrea… good move girl!  like binky bunny said, now it the time to lean on your friends a little.  their support will really really help.  i’m also glad you’re still checking in here too!  (((((((((big big hugs))))))))) 

oh my goodness.  Lion Lop… your other post really touched me.  i am that same way.  i’ve been clinically depressed with a sprinkling of anxiety issues for the past ten years (since i was 14.)  i’ve seen a therapist off and on about that and i’m seeing one again now.  i am on wellbutrin for the depression and some days are better than the others.  there are days when i can’t even leave my house.  my husband (i’ve been married for 5 years, since age 19) is really the only stable thing i have in my life.  it’s because of him i’m even able to function half the time.  i’m telling you this because i don’t think i really understood the extent of your situation.  i was giving advice for someone who is not already dealing with issues like that.  when you’re depressed or anxious, any change in your life will send you into a tail-spin, moreso than someone else who might be okay day-to-day.  do you understand what i’m saying? 

please continue to contact us on here or send me a email message. 

do you still have my email address?  

[LL ask yourself, do you want to be with him one more time becuase you think he’ll realize his folley and come back? ]

You don’t really want him back LL stay strong. You are strong even if you don’t think so. I think he’s quite a jurk for coming by right before your midterm!! And no worries about the midterm, the course can always be redone, or you can even work your butt off for the final when your feeling better. Just one test. Water over your back. Trust me, I think there are very few exams I remember and I’ve done six years of University! Don’t worry! One thing you might look into, one of our policies at our university here, is any test/assignment/anything worth 40% or more, that’s failed can always be redone. It’s hoops to jump through, but anyways if your exam is worth an unreasonable amount, it might be worth looking into.

If he’s coming tomorrow to pack, can you let him in and then leave? To avoid temptation? I think if you are with him again, your going to regret it later and if you try to be with him again and it doesn’t happen that will set your healing back…Either way I’d say its maybe best to pop out and maybe grocery shop or grab a coffee while he’s packing…What do you think?

*BIG HUGS*

hey there sweetie!  glad you’re finding time to get to the health centre & home for a few days.  that will be a nice change of scenery for you.   i find it awkward to eat out alone unless i have a book or magazine with me.  next time you get a craving for wendys, grab something to read & go girl!

do you think it’ll be really helpful to find out why nick doesn’t think you work as a couple anymore?  would it really matter what his answer is?  i ask because i think it may be a hard answer to hear and he doesn’t seem that all that interested in being considerate to you. 

i know what its like when you feel your friends are tired of hearing about your woes.  after my dad died i was in that situation.  a couple of aquaintences even told me to ‘get over it’ after a few months and there was a period of time where i felt really mis-understood.  it was about that time when i started seing a shrink weekly which was the best thing ever.  i was seeing a therapist but i had to pay lots for it & a shrink is covered under my health card… so a shrink it was!  and i tryed really hard to stop talking about my grief around the friends who seemed impatient with me.  i was no ray of sunshine around them, but i stopped talking about being sad and they hung in there with me.  i encourage you to talk to those 2 friends who seem frustrated … tell them you’re working hard to get through this & you really appreciate all their support.

((((((hugs))))))

I am sorry to hear your resolve is wavering. You have accomplished so much in the short time this has been going on. Please stick to your guns. I don’t want to get gross but every time you get the feeling you want to kiss and cuddle, remember, ms. green teeth is there as well. You need to keep that anger and disgust going to get through the next few days. As for Nick…that piece of work is getting off on acting like a total ass and still have someone begging for his attention….Later for that!

As for your friends, I can understand their frustration…it is very difficult to watch someone they care about want to go back into the fire…even if it is for one last time. From my personal experience as the supportive friend, it is less the grieving but the wanting to go back to a toxic relationship that is the source of their frustration. They are afraid for you and don’t know what else to do.

Do not be with Nick alone when he comes. Have a friend there. They will be happy to be able to serve a function other than a crying towel. But whatever you do, do not go the one last time bit….it will serve no positive purpose. If it happens, you will have rewarded his behavior at great expense to your self esteem and mental health. If he rejects you, he will feel like a hero if he lets you down “gently” with the kiss on the forhead crap and again you will have yet another rejection to work through. Please, Please, Please do not do that.

Can you take your buns with you to your moms? It will be good for you to get away. Good for you.

((((( BIG HUG )))))
Jean

((((((((((((((((((((((((Be Strong!)))))))))))))))))))))

We’re here for you. Let us know how it goes LL. ********VIBES***********

take a long really really deep breath in, hold it for a sec, and let it go.  imagine your stress blowing out of you when you exhale.  try this a few times in a row.  (((((((((stay strong)))))))))

Every time I’ve done the “just one more time” thing it’s ended up being a BAD idea.  Only you can decide for yourself though

Hi,
Sorry I haven’t been on, but I got very sick yesterday. Not on long now, but hope it’s going bearably today.
I urge you to call him from the Counselor’s before you get back (by cell) and have him leave before you get there after all.
I agree that there is nothing he can explain to you (espceially alone) that will be in any way productive, or even provide closure yet. If he wants to tell you, they’re called “Dear John” letters. He can write it down and mail it. I know that sounds cold, but all of the reasons given by the others are truth based on experience, and you have nothing to gain. Truly.

Friends will hang in if you talk directly about seeing their frustration. They will be relieved, and maybe tell you which is harder on them that you’re saying, so you can have company but not exhaust them when they see you. Four letters: D-V-D-s!

You can always pick up a bunny, or lie down next to a cage and talk as long as you want to those large, patient, listening ears.

Oye! I sure wish there was a friend for you there, but my guess is you wouldn’t want that because then you wouldn’t be able to try and “be” with Nick. I do think that is asking for more heartache,because even if you successfully seduce him, he may tell you things at that moment that you may feel better about, but that won’t stick later. You deserve better than to beg attention from man who treats you this way. I am not judging you, I hurt for you. I know somewhat of what you are going though, because I think many of us have sacrificed our self-worth and dignity over someone that we loved. It is a sign that there are deep internal things you need to heal.

Regardless of what happened with Nick (as I am sure by this time something did or did not happen), I think you should focus on “Why” you would do this and how to heal these self-esteem issues. If you don’t then you will be vulnerable to another “Nick”. I do understand that all you want is to have the security and comfort of “Nick” back and it seems to supersede the fact that he is not worthy of you. I know you may not see that or even feel that. My guess is that you feel you are not worthy of him, that by him rejecting you, finding someone else, it just confirms those feelings and if he could just come back and love you again, then you would feel worthy again. I, of course, don’t know for sure if this is what is happening, but if you can relate to that, then hopefully this is what you are dealing with in counseling.

Finding self-worth and building self-esteem won’t happen overnight, so of course there is no quick fix, but at least if you are taking the steps towards that direction, then hopefully that can offer enough strength for the time being.

HUGS to you!

LL – how did things go with Nick? Stay strong! (((VIBES)))

  I know what it is like when your heart can’t catch up to your mind.  It is heartbreaking to look at someone and wonder how they can look the same as they always have- but yet they are a different person inside.  Nick will never be the same again.  All it took was one instant and he became someone different than the Nick that you knew and loved.  I don’t think that someone can really ever “forgive and forget” what he has done to you.  I can remember times looking at my husband- and being completely unable to understand how he could have ripped the carpet out from underneath me without me suspecting a thing….and not only wondering “how” but  “why”.  As someone mentioned before it really is like a death- the person you knew/or thought you knew no longer exists.  I think it is harder for the mind to process this than a death.

  Also- even though it does not feel like it- you HAVE made progress.  You are going thru a normal (and sucky) grieving process.  And if you take him back you will have lost all of this progress.  And I can tell you FOR A FACT- it hurts worse when this happens the second time.  So obviously from my advice- I have not been strong enough to walk away when I should have been.  Yeah, it is easy to give advice that you don’t follow yourself.  But from the perspective that I have now-  the longer you stay in this type of relationship the harder it is to walk away.  Hindsight is 20/20- but if I knew 10 years ago, what I know now……… I would probably be happily married to someone else that appreciates me.  But even if I was not married, I truly believe that I would have had the self confidence and strength to be by myself and be happy.  Instead I am 33 years old and on anti-anxiety meds and alternate between not being able to sleep and sleeping all the time.  My health sucks because my anxiety is taking a toll on my body- and it is that much harder pull myself out of this.   It gets harder and takes longer every time you deal with this in the same relationship. 

You are doing so well!  Even though it does not feel like it to you….all of us can see that you CAN do this and in the long run you will be happier for it.  And wanting to be with Nick one last time…….well, I will try to keep this PG- but maybe there is another type of “rabbit” out there that is better than Nick.  (My attempt at humor based on all of the Pure Romance parties I have gone to).

I have always said- if I didn’t know that girls can be just as mean and clueless as guys can be- i would totally become a lesbian (once I got past the whole not being attracted to chics thing). 

Julie

I thougth he was already staying/living with another girl? It sounds like he just wants to keep you in reserve in case things don’t work out with her. It really sounds to me like you’re being played. Go back to be being angry and be happy that he’s out of your life, look at it as an opportunity to grow. Sounds to me like staying with him would keep you dependant on him, and he’d know he has all the power in the relationship. Not very healthy.
– Annette

good advice annette!

L-L I encourage you to move on and start healing. You’ve expressed to Nick your desire to work on the relationship, but now he’s left you in limbo for the next two months while he trys out being with someone new. I would suggest focusing on learning how to be strong, independent woman, because once you are happy with yourself you will be able to enjoy a halthy relationship (with nick, or someone new) where you can feel like an active participant – not the victom.

I know this is all so fresh it’s hard to gain perspective. One trick I’ve used over the years is to picture my best friend being in whatever crappy situation a relationship has me in, how angry I would be at the guy (and at my friend for allowing herself to be treted so poorly), what kind of advice I would offer her, etc..

take it one day at a time hun

Laura

this is what i’m worried about…

1)  you’re being used… he’s keeping some of his stuff there b/c there’s nowhere else to put it.  if he is living in a basement with three other people, there is no room for all of his junk.  your apartment is a glorified storage facility to him.  you should ask him to remove all of his stuff.  if you guys decide to work something out, he can always move it back in.

2)  you’re being played/kept in reserve… like Annette said… he is going to continue to see that other girl, that is how guys are.  please don’t fool yourself into thinking he’s not going to be with anyone else in that time.  he wants you to not move on, so JUST IN CASE, this girl turns psycho, he can come back to you. 

3)  “end of April” worries me.  i don’t want you to not try to get past this b/c you’re holding out for end of April.  you may feel better until then (“just two more months… two more months, just one more month… one more month…”) but what happens if at the end of April he says, “nah… i thought about it and i’m glad we broke up.”  you will have held out hope for something that never happened.  or… what happens if you get back together and 6 months later he dumps you all over again?

i can understand him wanting freedom.  that is a natural response after a long-term relationship.  but if he’s running to other girls, i’m guessing that’s more of an excuse than a reason.

one more thing.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE… if you do get back together with him, or if you decide to be with him once more… PLEASE use birth control.  make him use it.  you do not know who he’s been with in that time.  disease is… bad and well-spread thru out colleges.  be careful.  and the last thing you need is an unexpected pregnancy.  i know you are smarter than that, but it happens all the time to smart people.  a baby will not make him be with you and will more likely drive him away faster.

lion lop i’m so glad you’re going to look after your anxiety.  i think this is a really important thing right now because it will help your perspective on this situation with nick and with your self esteem.  you’re also still seeing your counselor right? 

i really wish i could hug you & then make you see nick the way i do.  i agree with the others who have posted & think that nick is absolutely playing you.  he’s dangling a possible relationship reconsiliation to keep you from moving on because he wants a back-up plan.  if he loved & respected you as you do him, he would not do this.  think about it this way… would you do this to him?  back when things were good between you & nick, imagine meeting a guy in another class & getting to know him thru studies & finding a mutual attraction.  would you have then asked nick to stick around while you went off to pursue this other guy?

i’m not going to harp on about it… i know its an incredibly painful & stressful situation for you.  i don’t want you to get mad about feedback here & stop checking in.  ((((((hugs))))))  some one else said this already & i’ll repeat it because i think its so so true.  often times it takes our hearts a lot longer to catch upto our heads.  i think your head can understand that nick is not treating you with respect…  cuddling with you before cutting you off for 2 months, acting as tho nothings different & being sweet right before your midterm, not to mention the biggest & worst part – cheating on you with your supposed friend.  your heart is just hanging onto him so strong it over-powers your head.  with time & work (you will have to work at seeing this) your heart will catch upto your head. 

i’ll say it again… you deserve some one who will cuddle you & love you AND respect you AND realize they’ve got it good to have you in their life.  you derserve this!  let us know how your appointment goes k?

((((((more hugs))))))

Oh man, I’m sorry I caught onto this thread a little late but I wanted to let you know LL, that I went through pretty much the same situation a few years ago with my ex-boyfriend. He was my first real boyfriend and we had been together over three years. I followed him across the state to college even. Then he decided that one of my “friends” was better then me (at least that’s how I saw it then). I spent a good couple of months thinking “if I just hadn’t introduced them, he would still be with me” but I finally realized that was not the correct way to be thinking about things.

Greg was pretty much my security blanket and it sounds like Nick is a lot like that to you. It is extremely uncomfortable to have that ripped away from you suddenly I know but trust me, you will get through this.

Honestly sweetie, I know that others have told you this already, but Nick is using you with the whole april thing. Trust me, Greg and I went through that. The girl in my situation lived in Wisconsin and we are from St. Louis. We came home for summer and I had myself convinced everything was going to be ok with us because “she” wasn’t around. Boy was I wrong though, half way through the summer he left to go stay with her and I was left at home devastated.

There is a bright side to my story though. I have Matt now and he loves me for every part of me and I know it’s real. If I hadn’t followed Greg to college, I wouldn’t have met my friend Julie and I wouldn’t have met Matt so everything really does happen for a reason even if that reason is impossible for you to see at this point. Just take it one day at a time, thinking about the future right now will likely just make things harder on you.

As hard as this may be, there is someone out there for you that is a thousand times better then Nick. I promise!

Hi, LL,
I’m so sorry the situation for you has been complicated in the way you described. I’m wondering if our reactions here, which seem to be in total agreement with each other, is helping you at all? I hope so, but most of us have come to the wise advice you’re being given above by some very heartbreaking personal experience. It’s a rare person who takes someone else’s word for it, rather than learning exactly the same lesson by going through it themselves, but so many of us want to spare you additional heartache after what you’ve just been through.

If I could site you ten, or 3 or even just one example of a couple that went through a prolonged breakup (with storage and extra privileges included or not) and ended up being happily together later, believe me I would. What I HAVE heard, time and time again, was the length of time the agony of separation and dissolution took, often with a few more tries, and then how glad they were to be out of that relationship or they would never have met the next partner who was truly the love of their life. Angoragrl described hers perfectly.

Please reconsider his agreed upon “terms.” They are all his manipulation, yet what you wanted to hear. He lied to you – don’t expect him to keep his word now. You have every right to change the terms, the timing, whatever you want to counter with. This agreement is not at all fair to you in any way. If he wants to play the field, and you are not yet married, yes, now is the time to do it in his life. But you don’t have to pick up the check for his party. I would so wish to see you spend the next two months working on growing away from him and getting stronger than counting the days. And isn’t April just before the end of school and finals? And isn’t it basically the duration of the lease you’re in, so he gets to call your apartment his personal flop spot until it’s up and he has to move anyway? So very, very convenient for him. He’s set you up for ruining your school year (you won’t pull it together for finals any better when he pulls a stunt again) and I guarantee it will be AFTER he’s found a new “freedom” apartment.

I’m so sorry. Really, I hate that awful grief you are feeling no matter what. Just that ALL the points the others have made are most certainly right.

Please do get the meds you need. It might be worthwhile to find a new counselor (I prefer women – they seem to get to the heart of what’s going on with you easily) who can really tackle your issues and provide some strength for you at each step of this process.
((((((Hugs)))))

i know you don’t have many friends there, but are there any that are not in relationships?  or do they have any single friends (female) that they can have come and hang out?  some of my best friends were introduced to me thru other friends of mine.  it would help you so much to try to increase your social circle right now, esp. more single people.  i know it’s hard when you’re depressed and anxious (“do they really like me?  i have nothing to offer them…”) but if you try and hang out in groups it might help.

i’m sure you’ll be careful with the clorazepam since you’re concerned about their addictive nature.  starting an ssri can be a little ‘twirly’… good idea to start it on a day you don’t have lots to do.  i started mine the day of my mom’s 60th surprise b-day party we threw for her may ’07 & that was… um… interesting to say the least. 

i know what you mean about being a 5th wheel.  depending on the people you’re with, it can be uncomfortable.  if i’m with a cuddly couple as a single i tend to be a little more touchy feely with my girlfriend (i avoid the guy for obvious reasons).  not in a clingy way at all, but just hugs when i first see them & when i leave, maybe throw in a brief arm hug or head lean or 2 throughout the night if we’re in closer proximity.  sounds silly but i’m not normally like that & its a way to get some non-sexual ‘touchy feely’ when you’re going solo.  lets face it – everyone needs hugs!

that said… (((((((((hugs)))))))))

L-L, I can’t add anything more to what has been said as far as how the meeting went, I feel the same way.

So going forward, as far as being the extra wheel, it can be very awkward. I don’t see anything wrong with asking your friends who are in relationships, to a girl’s night out. Are there any animal rescue groups in your area? They made need a rabbit savy volunteer. There is nothing like taking care of the helpless to bring you out of yourself, and you may even make some new best friends. I am glad you are going to counseling and hope the medication will be just enough to help you through.

That takes care of your soul and spirit. But at the same time, you do have some business to see to as well. Your lease is up soon and it would not do to find out at the last minute he was stringing you along for storage space. Continue to look for a place of your own. If ,and that is a big if, he wants to come back and commit then he will have to adjust to the changes you have made in your life to be with you. Under no circumstances should he be allowed to think he can just step in where he left off.

As always, we are here for you. (((( GREAT BIG HUG )))))
Jean

i agree with Bunzai… if it came to that, even if you got back together, i would not let him live with you permanently once the lease is up.  you’d be better off trying to make it on your own, even if you did start dating again.  i think it’d be a mistake to allow yourself to become financially dependent on him again, b/c he might pull the same thing halfway thru another lease.

i think buying a house would be a huge step towards being a grown-up!  who knows… the responsibility and having something that’s yours may help you overcome some of your anxiety.  i would not (under your current circumstances) buy a house with someone else (Nick) on the mortgage!  even if you did get back together.  i think a house would give you alot to look forward too.  you have your buns.  you’ll have a dog or two.  you won’t be lonely or bored at all!

Wow, if you could swing it, that would be awesome. Having a friend 5 minutes away in the country is not bad logistically. I know myself, after living in the city, between 2 major airports and surrounded by elevated trains, the quiet can be unnerving at first. You find yourself listening for sounds…but you get over that. LOL about you and Blaise both running back in.

If you need to, you can always share a home with a house mate…with you as the owner and the other as a renter. But as Beka says..do not buy with anyone else. This is yours and yours alone to call the shots. Very empowering. You can have a veggie garden, flower beds, the possiblities are endless.

Good for you to even think about it!

As for feeling groggy from the meds…small wonder, after all the stress, it would hit you hard. Just go with it, lie down and get some much needed sleep.

oooh a house!  thats exciting!  you should def look into that.  it’d be a FAB way to look after yourself & be independant.  having a house is a lot of work to maintain some times but gives me a great feeling of satisfaction.  does it have a second bedroom you could rent out?  may be nice to have a friend / schoolmate living there as a tenant for company & to help pay a couple of bills.  if you don’t *need* help with the finances you can take your time finding the right person to rent from you and it could be a really nice set-up!

i have never tried any of the ‘pam’ meds but i seem to remember the celexa giving a bit of a spinny head feeling and a feeling of relaxation.  i’m taking cipralex right now & when i started it i was def more tired than usual.  plus i started at a half dose & worked upto a whole dose & so it took a week or so for it to level out in my system before i felt  my normal energy level.

Could we perhaps find another way to refer to the “pams” please?
Especially if you need to avoid pams.

rabbit-pam

  sorry rabbit-pam… glad you said something ’cause i’d of never caught on.  a friend of mine is a drug & alcohol counsellor & refers to those meds as ‘the pams’ as well so i just picked it up.   maybe we can call them sedatives instead?

Sorry about that rabbitpam, I don’t think anything was regarded towards you.  (((HUGS))) How about we just say the stronger medicine?

Anyway, L_L I just wanted to pop in and say, go with the drowsiness that you are feeling and defiantely take that much needed rest . I also say go for it with the house with ONLY your name on the mortgage.  Yeah I can understand your concerns about being isolated but really, get yourself a huge fuzzy mutt to cuddle up with, paint up all the rooms in great sun-shiny and soothing colors and tend to a nice garden full of veggies and you will be just fine, I just know it.

Just dropping in to see how you are *BIG HUG*

Thanks, guys. I’ve been sick, so you’re sweet to be sensitive to my being sensitive. Whatever term you are most comfortable with is fine.

It’s funny, but if “the pams” had an association with not being anxious, it would be fine, but this Pam has anxiety! Not fair! I suspect that a while ago some chemist got dumped by a girl named Pamela, and he named these deliberately. It’s just the first I’ve heard this medical nickname. It’s OK.

After all, we have a double meaning when we say “buns”. LOL

Lion Lop,
You sound better. I agree that sleep, sleep, sleep will do you a world of good. I did, and I am much better today.
Buying a house seems like a major financial undertaking, but if you’re in a position to swing it, know you want to put down roots where you are, and it gives you something to look forward to for yourself, then nows a good time in the market. (I’d love a house of my own.)

Getting a friend to come sounds like a good idea. Coming home to his things gone will be much easier then being there while he moves things.

Maybe you can catch a movie this afternoon/evening to distract yourself for a few hours while he’s at the apartment

yup… i agree with loisme.  great idea to have a friend be there when he comes for his stuff and to distract yourself with a movie or something.  hang in there lion lop!  those meds will kick in soon (i suspect they already are a bit)  ((((((hugs))))))

holy schmoly what a day you had!  your old bo was acting childish by ignoring you like that.  if she was so pissed about the schedule she should have just said no & that you’d have to re-schedule.  agreeing to it and then bi*ching about it when unexpected things go wrong is not something you can be accountable for.  it’s unfortunate she’s taking it out on you since you’re friends.  i’d talk to her about it.  see if anything else is going on or if she was just having a bad day.

get some good rest girl.  ((((((hugs))))))

Yowsa. Take a break, have some tea, get some tissues and get it out. You’ve had quite a day. (((HUGS))) I agree, that was very immature of your BO and you were very sweet to her. It sounds like something else was bothering her and it might be worth talking to her about, like if anything is going on with her and if she wants to talk, she will. Take care, and remember to breathe.

Egads! What a day! Well, all I can say is you did nothing wrong and were treated terribly..by most everyone! From the grumpy BO, to the friend that didn’t want to get involved GEESH! How is it getting involved to just let Nick into get his stuff, and lock up. It’s not like she had to talk to him about anything sensitive. Just be polite to allow him to get his stuff, and that’s it. Wow! Not cool! And then Nick – so shouldn’t have talked to you this way. He’s lucky you’re even nice to him at ALL after what he’s done.    All around, a bunch of people that feel they have the power to just walk all over you and not consider your feelings. You didn’t deserve any of it, and I’m sorry they are all a bunch of numbskulls. Their behavior is reflection of who they are and what they are going through, not about you, even if THEY think it is. SO hang in there. At least you have a new wonderful Barn Owner yes? And how do you like the new stable? How often do you get to ride her or just be with her? Or does that change you someone is leasing her? Does being with Misty help you with anxiety and pain?

Unfortunately there are plenty of very selfish people in the world, remember to keep your chin up and always remember you are a good person.

What a horrible day…it made me tired just to read about it.

Your friend/BO was out of line. If she did not want to move your horse, she just should have said so. Sounds to me like she did not have the heart to tell you no, but never stopped to consider her attitude would be more hurtful than honesty. Even friends can be clueless at times.

As for Nick…no excuses for him! How dare he have a hissy fit cause you were not there. How many times has he done it to you.? This just proves to me that he is so confident that you will always be at his beck and call. Just more proof, that no matter how badly he treats you, you will just accept it and cater to him. Taking you for granted. Yes he caved a bit when you cried. Please keep in the back of your mind, that room is storage for his big stuff and if you want, you can make him take it all and he knows that.

On a much more positive note, I am thrilled your new BO and you hit it off. And even better, look how you focused and got the job(s) done despirt all the set backs and disappointments from friends. GOOD FOR YOU!

I hope today, you have a quiet, restful day. (((( HUGS )))) Jean

What a day. Sigh. I think you actually handled it quite well and got the results you needed. Their attitudes – no help, and I agree with the others.

BTW, I want to suggest you tell Nick the next time HE gives you attitude that his options are:
* Be flexible and keep his mouth shut OR
* Dig his stuff out of the snowbank where it lands after you toss it! He can pick it up from there whatever time suits him. Sheesh! Now I feel better. My 2 cents overwith.

Misty sounds wonderful. You may not realize that the meds are helping you to take practical actions and cope, regardless of how you feel. They won’t make you happy, but will prevent you from being paralyzed with anxiety and unable to function. I think you’re doing just fine on them so far.

Forget the BO’s. You have enough to cope with. In a couple of days it won’t matter that much to either of you. If she’s still mad, she’ll let you know.

BTW, thinking that you are a pushover, and shouldn’t be, at this young age, just means that you will be correcting that impression with effort over the course of your life and you will be an adult with strong self-esteem for many years to come. It’s not realizing when you’re being trod on that keeps you from changing for the better.

Sounds like the day from Hell.

But despite the fact that pretty much everyone was no help at all, you did okay.  You got done what you needed to do, and some days that’s all you can hope for.  Hang in there!

i agree with rabbitpam!   you could call your old bo & ask whats wrong, but you do have a lot to deal with right now.  she’s a big girl & can speak up if something’s wrong on her end.  we’re each responsible for our own selves after all.  i also commend you for being so self-aware at such a young age!

Hi LL

Don’t worry about your old BO. For some reason when you leave a barn-they are just like that-no matter how good they were the whole time you were there. Horse people are crazy (no offense to you or me!! WE are sane LOL) Serisoulsy my horse’s owner (I lease) was moving him and her other horses and the barn owner (they were being moved because she wasn’t giving them WATER!!) locked her and her husband, their truck and trailer and horse on the property!! With a lock she didn’t have a key for !!! It was CRAZY!!!! So don’t worry. And she was seriously being a cow!! Saying you were inconveniencing her?? She even lied to you about the roads to try to avoid doing work!!

About misty being in for a few days, that might help her adjust to her new place…She won’t have to be outside meeting strange horses right away…She can be in her stall and adjust and calm for a bit!! I think it’ll be a bit beneficial. And your lucky to be at such a small barn! That sounds great!!

Keep your eye on that girl who just walked in the stall. That’s not appropriate behavior…Its not a lesson horse, but a privately owned horse. I’d say you should pull her aside and tell her your horse is unpredicatable and you don’t want anyone going in the stall with her but your lessee and employees of the barn! You could make it about her safety or maybe your lessee would want to do it? I just can’t believe anyone would act like that!! But again, horse people are crazy!! LOL

I’m really glad Nick came and got the rest of your stuff. Your friend who helped and emailed him-That’s good. Your friend who said she didn’t want to get involved…I’d start givin her the cold shoulder…GRRRRRR….remember when she needs you to return the favour!! Is all his stuff out? How are you doing? Get some bunny and horsie hugs and that should help worlds!! *BIG HUGS* from me!!!

Lion_Lop, I’m proud of you too!  That is just awesome!  Yes definately post those pictures!  I’m getting my horse fix from you gals that have them.

Glad to hear that the change in dosage is helping you more too and getting you to where you feel a bit better than before. Take care. (((HUGS)))

That’s terrific, LL.

I just saw your pictures, and that’s a very beautiful horse.

Have a better day tomorrow.

((((((Big hug)))))))

i saw your other picture threads and i didn’t want to bring this up in them, but i’m really glad you’re feeling better and posting other stuff.  focus on your buns and Misty.  you will start to feel better keeping your mind off this problem and really enjoying your animals.  they have that special healing power to them.  the meds will help you too.  i notice on my meds that it isn’t that my life is suddenly perfect or i never worry about anything, but rather i think of stuff in better perspective.  the little stuff is no longer a gigantic issue or roadblock preventing me from living my life.

good for you!!!  ((((((hugs))))))

Awesome job!! That’s really really good to hear!! It’s a big step to go grab food by yourself IMHO so awesome!!

Good for you!! I am so glad that you are able to feel better…I know right now, feeling even a little bit better is a relief. And don’t get discouraged if a wave of pain comes back, it will be just temporary. Just another wave that will go away.

You said the old BO was also your best friend? Did I read that right earlier? If so, then if it were me, I’d just let it go for now, focus on all the wonderful things that make you feel good, like how Misty loves and needs you. How strong you actually are being by reaching out for help, and finding resources that will help you through. That’s strength! But if she brings the situation up, or it comes up in conversation, then hopefully you can put your foot down and let her know that it looked like you were both dealing with some stressful things that day, but you didn’t deserve the way she was treating you. You were going through a very stressful time too right then, and you didn’t yell at her….for fibbing about road conditions, for forgetting the hitch, for just being outright rude.

I know it’s hard when in the moment you feel like you are the one that really deserves it somehow, and that you are feeling like such a bother. It makes it hard to stick up for yourself when in that state of reality you just feel like you should please the people that you feel are being bothered. But there is nothing wrong with later seeing how it “really” was, and call them on it or just learn from it for next time.

Most likely though, if they are used to you being passive, they may even try to step up their disrespectful and/or manipulative ways to try and put you back in your place – the place where they feel most powerful. And you may feel more inclined to shrink back to that unworthy reality and not know how to defend yourself. If that happens, you can just say something like, “I’m not really sure if I fully agree with you, I’ve just been turned inside out, upside down, and so I need time to figure alot of things out. I have to just think about what you said” That way you are not responding out of built up anger that isn’t focused, nor are you shrinking with fear or insecurity. You are just saying the truth, and there’s power in that.

The thing is, when you start to become more secure,more confident, you may find that the friends and relationship you had before were based on you feeling insecure, on you being powerless to them. So you may find that you lose some friends, (that aren’t good for you in the first place).

So just stay aware of the friends that really prove to be loving and respectful even during the tough times. It is hard on friends to watch another friend just keep walking into the same fire pit, and so it is understandable if some get frustrated, but there still is no reason for them to be disrespectful to you. See that as a their character issue, not yours.

Also, in regards to time, whoever is thinking you should be over it by now isn’t living in reality. It really hasn’t been that long at all! It’s going to be a gradual healing, and any good friend will understand this and not make you feel bad for “feeling bad”.

So all and all, I think you are feeling how any normal person would and you’re doing really well, (even though it may not feel ike it at times).

So keep on keepin on, and soon the sun will shine again, one little ray at a time.

Lion Lop,

I have read some of your story..and first let me say I am sorry you have had such a hard time.  I am going to step out on a limb here and offer some support ..in an area that seems to be a struggle for many of us.  I see you are struggling with some depression and anxiety issues.  I happen to be a moderator on a board for people struggling with many mental health issues. I suffer from Bipolar II myself.  Without making this about me at all, I have suffered some pretty big blows in my life and finding this site has been a constant source of support and education for me. My son was dx earlier this year after being hospitalized for attempted suicide.  I come here because my bunnies are literally therapy for me. They make me laugh…I mean really laugh. Something that doesn’t come easy for me.  Along with my sons , they are another reason for me to get up everyday and keep keeping on.  Life does get better. Learning about your condition, the medications you take, and finding a strong support system is key. Well and having lots of bunnies to love!

Please feel free to come over and read.  I am there often.

Here is the link http://www.addforums.com

This is a huge forum, originally started for those suffering with ADD. It has subsections that deal with depression and anxiety, and of course regular sections on relationships etc.

After you register, please copy and paste this link it will take you to the  subsection for co-existing conditions..there you will find some help for the depression and even meds.

http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=51

If you need anything you can send me a PM, my user name there is justhope

I hope things get better for you , as a fellow bunny lover, I just thought I would offer some help if I can.

Take care,

Hope

wow lion lop… i’m so so glad you’re focusing on the things that give you pleasure & joy again… misty, & your buns.  AND you’re looking into buying a house too!   binky bunny had some very very wise words for you.  and fivebunsmom… that looks like a great resource.   i hope you have a great day

L_L, yes you still would have had these problems with Nick because you can’t control someone else’s behaviour. The way he treated you (he cheated on you if I’m not mistaken), the things he said to you, those weren’t because of your anxiety or any “flaw” with you. Those were because of HIS flaws. And if he treated you that way when you were vulnerable then you can be absolutely sure that he’d treat you that way when you’re not.
– Annette

You really sound like you are making progress.  I checked in IM yesterday but you were away.

That is EXACTLY what the medication is supposed to do – help you feel more like yourself, not less.  Once you get out from under all the stress, you can learn ways to cope with it, and you may or may not need to stay on them long-term. It’s sort of like wearing an ankle brace while a sprain heals.  I personally have had to resign myself to the fact that I will need a constant low dosage for the rest of my life.  I wish I didn’t, but to extend the analogy, my brain chemistry is sprained and I’m gonna need that brace for the long haul.  I try to put it in the same category as my allergy pills or asthma inhaler- I don’t feel guilty because I need them, so I shouldn’t feel wierd about needing other meds.

Have you felt more like eating?  I know that once you are able to maintain a decent sleep and nutrition schedule you will feel much better as well.

As for “what ifs”, who knows?  You are only responsible for your own actions.  You can’t “make” someone love you.  Since we don;t know exactly what Nick is feeling, we can’t tell you, but college is all about new experiences.  It sounds like he stayed with you because it was comfortable, and now he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too.  You deserve cake too!

I’m glad you have Misty  – animals really are a source of unconditional love and support.  I have learned a lot about “just getting on with it” from my bunny.

LL,
You really sound so much better now. ((((Hugs))))
I just had a thought. Maybe you could go back and reread your posts to see what some of the fairy bunnymothers suggested in the way of comfort and advice. It’s possible that you might have missed some helpful words while you were still so very upset. Many had good suggestions and stories they shared. I think with a clearer head now, you might find insights you may have missed at first reading. (The others’ more so than mine really.)

Nick has not dealt with your justified anxiety well now. I seriously doubt he would ever be supportive when you needed him in times of illness of any kind in the future. Humans are just not as evolved as bunnies in the love department.

Wow L-L, you’ve come a long way baby! As Rabbitpam suggested, go back and read all your post, you will see the progression. As for being on meds when you were with Nick and that changing the way he treated you…..Sorry, I really don’t believe that would have made a difference to him in the way he treated you. In fact, he may have not bothered to sneak around cheating on you, HE MAY HAVE BEEN MORE IN YOUR FACE.

That is water under the bridge. The important thing now is you have the tools to move on and you are using them!

How exciting, looking at houses. Even if you don’t find something right now, you are being so proactive it is amazing. And I am glad Binky Bunny brought up the point about friends. As you grow and change, some of your friends will drop away. That is part of the process and know that the new you will make new friends.

((((( LION-LOP!!!!!! ))))

oh my god.  i’m sorry to hear about your parents.  i would still talk to both of them about the house thing, even if you have to do it separately.  you are going to need to learn how to balance family time with them apart now, and i’m guessing your dad would really appreciate you coming to him and asking his opinion, aside from the fact i’m sure he wants to see you.  maybe can you arrange to spend one day (not your mom’s bday) just with him.  talk to him, have some dinner, maybe get a movie if he’s into that kind of thing.

about your mom… spend time with her, but arrange to see some of your other friends too.  she is going to be hurting right now, but you are too, and you don’t want to reverse the progress you’ve made by wallowing in depression (yours or hers) for a week.  this is your break, so please try to have some fun and get your mind off of the sadness.

i would reread these posts.  there was a lot of advice, some good, some not so much (mine!).  i think also if you read the posts in one sitting you would see that so many of us echoed the same basic sentiments.  b/c really, there are not too many ways to view this situation.  esp. now with your clearer head, i think you would gain more from it.

thats terrible news about your parents lion lop.  i’m so sorry.  it sounds like you saw this coming to some extent, but i can imagine it’s still upsetting.  i also think it’s be great to talk to both of them about the house, separately.  i’m sure they’d both appreciate being asked for advice even though they’re in an upheaval right now.  with family, staying out of drama is the absolute hardest thing to do because its easy to want jump in to try to fix things, to make everything better for our loved ones.  could you take your mom to a movie for her birthday?  it may be a nice ‘break from reality’ for both of you.  i learned a lot of my worry-wart behaviour from my mom.  since i’ve been on this path of self-discovery with how anxiety has affected my life, oh how i’ve wished my mom would get counselling or meds to help too.  but she doesn’t see her own anxiety.  she has lived with it for so long she knows nothing else and when some one (me) describes the benefits she doesn’t think it applies to her at all.  what are you gonna do?

hope you find a way to relax & you get to talk to both your parents about the house.  and you can look forward to seeing misty when you get back from your change of scenery  (((hugs)))

I think they say bad things come in three’s….so at least now there will be nothing else coming you way-except good things!

I’m sorry to hear about your parents on top of everything else, that’s yucky. ********BIG HUG*********

((((BIG HUGS)))) Lion_Lop I know it’s tough, and I want you to know that I am very proud of you. You’re doing really, really well and I know that you can do this. Misty is such a cutie and your buns love you to pieces and I’m sure they don’t mind if you bum a hug from them either. Just think, if your dad goes to LA you have a nice warm, sunny place to visit.

So sorry LL unfortunately we all go through some tough times. I also think it can make you a stronger person, hold that head up high girl, you deserve the best in life and you can do it. ((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Lion-Lop. That is very sad about your parents. All you can do is is keep contact with both sides without taking sides. I agree with Becka still talk to your dad about the house. Tell him he can go as soon as he gives you a hand with the papers. As for your mom, let her talk it out, you already know she is going to be a wreck, so you can brace yourself. You have seen the difference the meds have made in your dealing with crisis so know that it will not fail you now in doing what have to do.

Yes, you will have to be the strong one, but you have been for some time now and you are just starting to realize it and believe in it.

I am glad you will be able to check in with us. And make some time to have fun for yourself…you earned it and it will help you through the visit.

((((( HUGS ))))))

LL,

I’m sort of glad you had to wait another day to go, since this is another major whammy for you, rather than a trip home for some comfort.

I am reminded of the old (yes, bad) joke about the guy who goes to the doctor because his thumb hurts and he can’t stop thinking about it.
The doctor stomps on his foot and says “There. That should take your mind off your thumb.”
Keep a good supply of your meds with you since they are obviously helping, and stick to the current dosage.

I think you can be frank with your mother, letting her know right away that you are in bad shape from your breakup with Nick, that your parent’s separation is upsetting for you, and that you need her to commiserate and not lean on you for support right now. You may be the adult, but so is she, and you are in no shape to play caretaker to her or your Dad or your bro right now. Pulling together and making a simple, festive birthday with the understanding that everyone has good reason to feel lousy right now is maybe the best to hope for. I have no doubt they both love you, Mom and Dad, but they will be taking some time to get through this themselves. It may have effected your relationship with Nick over the past year more than you realized – just don’t carve any negative generalizations about relationships in stone based on what’s happening with them or with you. There can and will be much happier times for you to come. Hang in there.
(((((Hugs)))))

I so can’t top any of the advice offered-it’s all worth it’s weight in gold.

I’m soo sorry this is happening right now! I hope your trip goes well and is better then expected. You’ll be in our thoughts and prayers. We’ll “see’ you when you get back (unless of course your able to pop in while your away). ******HUGS*******

Hey, LL. Really late on seeing this post but I’m glad things are beginning to look up for you.

I can relate to so many of the issues that you went through, so if you’re ever having a down moment, you’ve got one more person to support you!

Hope you keep on the positive side!

My parents went through a nasty ugly divorce all while i was in college – my mother told me the week of my HS senior prom!

It definitely affected me, but it did teach me to be more independant.  It also taught me that sometimes it is OK to set boundries and how to handle “toxic relationships”.  I know you want to lean on your parents now, but you probably don’t have the resources to let them lean on you right now.  You will probably have to reinforce that with them – parents know how to pull your strings because they are the ones that tied them there.

You just keep doing what you can handle and shut off what you can’t handle for now.

Growing up sucks sometimes,