Significant other wants my pets gone

[drwil]

All of you have probably heard of this situation before but maybe this is a little extreme.

My partner wants all my pets, 6 total, gone. They do not even live in the house but stay in a barn outside. Some of the cats have been with me for 14 years and two of the rabbits are pushing 5-6 years old. One of the rabbits is our daughter’s pet which she loves a lot.

If I give them up they will all probably be euthanized–they are not kittens or baby bunnies. It understandable that someone might not want a lot of animals in the home, but it is perplexing that such an ultimatum should be given for animals that live outside, especially since my partner does not even deal with them at all, just for some reason wants them gone.

Any thoughts?

[Dee]

This is going to sound harsh, but what kind of a person is your partner to want you to get rid of your beloved pets? Quite honestly, if my husband of 12 years told me it was him or the rabbits, I’d tell him it’s been nice knowing him ?. I know I’m kind of a fanatic about animals, but my concern is for you as well. This is obviously upsetting you, and ideally our partners should try to make us happy and help us solve problems, not create them.

I do understand that sometimes things are very complicated, and for financial or personal reasons it may not be feasible to kick your partner to the curb and keep your pets. If you must give them up, I would work very hard at finding them good homes. Maybe negotiate a certain time frame with your partner so you can find them all homes. Are there any rabbit rescues near you? Cat shelters? Beware of people wanting your rabbits for food- disgusting but it happens.

I feel for you- I’ve been in some very difficult and compromising relationships in my life that I felt unable to leave at the time and know how difficult it can be. But please think about why your partner is OK with putting you through this. I wish you and your furbabies the best with this very painful situation.

[Mikey]

Personally, id get rid of my partner over my animals in a situation like that. Since you have a kid involved, that might not be an easy option. If the animals are outside and your partner doesnt have to see them if they dont want to, ideally, your partner should stay out of it. Perhaps a compromise would be, that you will keep these current animals until they die of old age, but will not get any new ones for a while after they are all gone. It might also be worth trying to discus why your partner all of a sudden wants all of them gone. What issues are the animals causing, and how would you fix those issues as a couple? After you both combat the issues caused by having animals, you can discus the likely hood of adding animals back into the family at a later date

[Brambino]

I’m sorry to hear this. It’s an incredibly personal decision which only can make. I hope you find lots of support here though.

My boyfriend was the same but I only have Bramble. We moved in to a new house and I was desperate for a pet though he objected. I brought Bramble home anyway! He was absolutely furious. Didn’t speak to me for a fortnight.

He wanted Bramble gone but I had a very serious talk with him and said she makes me happier than him not having pets ever would. I then questioned why his happiness in having no animals should ‘overrule’ my happiness in having bramble. I adore animals and In the end I said if he really couldn’t understand why I wanted a pet so badly, as a long term decision I was not prepared to live without them, so it was Bramble or the door! Happily he chose Bramble!

We are now 6 months on and although he does none of the care, he really likes her now but still gets pretty fuming when she chews the skirting…

I really feel for you being asked to give up your pets. Xx

[Vienna Blue in France]

How long have you been together? Presumably you were together when you got some if not all of the pets !!
My immediate thought when I finished reading your posting was bye bye partner.

You say “for some reason wants them gone” – well I’d put my foot down and say no. I feel like something else is going on, like “no smoke without fire…”
If it is truly perplexing for you, then unfortunately we are not going to be able to shine any light on the reason…

IF it is a life or death situation, then def follow Dee’s advice and TAKE TIME finding good, genuine homes for them.

I don’t understand the wanting to get rid of your animals, but especially your daughter’s own pet…. quite erratic.

[drwil]

Thank everyone for the concern. Actually I am a he and my partner is a she. More than just one child involved. Been together for 6 years.

As I have always paid for everything in the household, animals included, it seems as though the demands are unreasonable since we are financially doing well. I even wanted to work at a wildlife sanctuary or animal rescue after retiring to keep occupied and be useful. Animals have been part of my life since I was a baby…birds, cats, horses,dogs…so it is extremely difficult for me to not have animals around. Like telling a cowboy he cannot have any more horses.

Do any of you think this might be some sort of psychological power play? If so it seems like a pretty vicious one and I have this suspicion that if I give in the demands will only increase. It is if she identified one of the things most important to me and went after it. Strange also there was one rabbit she really loved and petted a lot until recently, now suddenly she wants it gone.

BTW a family member married a girl who demanded he give up his German Shepherd he had for many years. That was the first of a long list of ultimatums. The marriage lasted less than 1 year.

Brambino, try Uploria Bitter No Chew Spray from amazon.co.uk. I use products like these to keep rabbits from eating their houses.

[Vienna Blue in France]

Thanks for the clarification of sexes – You’ll note I said partner too.

I would not be together, nor happy with anyone who did not have the same love & respect that I do for animals and nature.
I have tried it (“is it ‘really’ that important” – euh yes is the answer!) and it did not last long.

I can only say that I’m not surprised re the GSD couple.
I would not want anyone to try me with “it’s me or the dog” argument – they will be very disappointed with the answer !

If you are the animal lover and you are the bread winner and the animals don’t even really share the home environment (shame btw!), then i really don’t see what argument she can have to ‘get rid of them’…. and if you have a suspicion, then as I said, no smoke without fire – please don’t part with them on a whim. It sounds as if you really would regret it terribly (and be very sad & depressed without them – available for your partner’s every needs ).

Stick up for yourself and for the furbabies – we’re all behind you all the way !!!!

[BinkyBunny]

What is her reasoning for asking you to get rid of the animals? I bet you there is something deeper going on. Many times feeling like the partner is slipping away or attention is too divided, or who knows what, can cause the partner to ask you to do things to prove you care. Sometimes it’s a way to push someone away if they themselves are drifting apart. This is not the mature way to handle it but not everyone is in touch with their emotions or reasons at every minute. But usually demands like this go much deeper and it really has less to do with the animals, and more of a sign about some relationship issues. You haven’t mentioned what the “for some reason” is. What does your partner say when you ask her? What are the specifics? I am not justifying such a cruel request regardless, but if you want to get to the crux of it, you will need to get the details. She may respond with they take too much time, too much money, annoyance, that you are not caring for them well enough, or WHO knows unless you dig deeper and get into the real reason. If she’s vague, then there that is a relationship issue that she herself may not fully understand herself how to articulate and it’s just coming out with this hurtful request.

If you give up your animals, this could create underlying resentment that could just grow and that can kill any “love” over time. So this could create serious issues later down the line. Especially if it really isn’t about the animals and you find out she’s just unhappy with things — herself, life, you, the relationship, whatever it is – then yes, it could continue onto something else. So my advice is to dig deeper. If she doesn’t budge to give answers or is not self-reflective then I would begin thinking about if this was the right relationship. (of course this is all a very simplistic answer since I only have one side – your POV regarding her very serious request)

Edited to add:  I just noticed you said there were children involved so that does complicate this for sure. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of it and you can both work through what’s really going to develop a harmonious relationship.  

Best of luck! Keep us updated.

[Mikey]

Agreeing with BB. It sounds like theres something behind that ultimatum. A lot of the times i hear stuff like this, its because the partner wanting the animals gone feels neglected and thus feels jealous of the animals involved

[vanessa]

Wow. My ex didn’t want me spending time with my 2 dogs. He made sure they were behind closed doors, not allowed in the house, and I got yelled at for spending 20 minutes with them a day. 10 minute sin the morning to feed them, 10 minutes in the evening to feed them. I don’t know your partner, but my ex was controlling, manipulative, and jealous. Anything he could control, he would, including what I did with my time. I have also been involved with animals my whole life. Lots of pets growing up, and then I was a park ranger in South Africa for 7 years before moving to America. I raised lions, hyena, jackal, warthog, giraffe, Caracal, you name it. He eventually also told me he wanted me to get rid of the dogs. I refused. It was a sore point with him. He accused me of loving the dogs more than him. Damm right I did. It got very ugly. There was a whole lot more than just that going on, but it was part of the whole mess.
It is selfish of someone, to demand that another gets rid of what brings them pleasure. Our involvement with animals is somethign that defines us. My current boyfriend and I have a very vocal understanding that we won’t interfere in the things that bring the other joy. That causes resentment. It is selfish and disrespectful. You show that you love someone, by doing love, not just saying the words. By letting them be themselves, accepting them as they are, with all their faults and joys, or finding someone else. It is a bad idea to try to change someone. It des not bring joy. You camt’ make someone into the person you want them to be. They either are, or they are not. Peace.

[Ellie from The Netherlands]

I would definately advise some kind of counseling for you both, as others said: there may be some underlying issues here. Personally, I’m always extremely wary of people who dislike or mistreat animals. Avoid them like the plague… It often shows that a person is severely disconnected from their emotions, and it may even be a foreboding for domestic abuse and/or psychopathic behaviour. The way we treat animals is the way we treat people who depend on us. People can’t keep that hidden forever, someday people with a vicious streak will fall through.

10 years ago I got into a relationship with a classmate, and we started living together a year after. We got a cat, and soon after his behaviour changed radically. He started to bully the cat (pushing him off the couch when he slept, just to scare the cat), and this got further and further. Then he started to toy with me, it started quietly but got more and more oppressive within the year. He was constantly playing at my emotions and insecurities, and used that to dominate my every day. I got out because I made a very upset phonecall to my father, and he picked me up together with the cat. It all ended at the police station where an officer told me that my partner had previously been convicted. That was the first time I heard that, not he nor his family ever bothered to tell me.

Trust your gut feeling: if it says “Run!”, then do so.

[Vienna Blue in France]

It is possible that some people just dont ‘swoon’ over animals like most of us here do. (my ex)
It does not mean that they will harm them… they just don’t see what we do (passions like train spotting or carbonkers people, or any other passion people have that others don’t really understand).

Doing animals harm or wanting them out of their partner’s lives has another meaning altogether and not a particularlyl heatlhy one. You presumably showed this animal loving side of you when you got together… so she’s obv tried to ignore it in the past, but now can’t. Maybe she thought she could influence you against them.

Anyhow, find out the reason behind this ‘sudden’ ultimatum (is it? an ultimatum?) – it sounds as if your daughter loves animals too, and so its 2 against 1

Good luck..

[Taylor]

I would just like to say that I’m sorry. This is a really tough situation. So tough. As a psychology major whose taken counseling classes, here’s my advice to you. If you haven’t done so already, ask her empathetically what it is she is feeling. Ask her what is stressing her out (nothing about the bunnies yet), listen and respond with things like, “you feel…(blank) because…(the things she just told you.” Allow her to fill in the rest. The bunnies may come up on their own by letting her vent. When that happens, or if it doesn’t, you are free to say everything that you feel by not casting blame, but saying that those animals are your children too and you love them. I agree with everyone else, find a compromise or find them individual loving homes or refuges.
I agree that it’s totally possible that your wife is taking out her jealousy on the animals. My mom and dad fought a lot over the pets because my mom did all of the caring for them, which is a different situation, but she would have easily taken out her angst about not getting help with anything on the animals. Not okay, but common.
I pray for peace in your house, because this really sucks. REALLY sucks.

[Betsy]

I agree with the idea of counseling, if she’s agreeable to it.

My Mother does NOT understand the bond between a human and an animal. I love her, but she doesn’t get it. “It’s just an animal.”
My Father was the opposite – we even had a St. Francis statue in the garden.

Growing up we had dogs, a cat, gerbils, hamsters, fish, lizards, etc. despite my Mom’s feelings (or lack thereof) for animals.

Why?

Because we loved the animals, and she loved us.

My gut says what others are saying – something else is going on here, and you should try – as a couple – to figure out what that something else is.

If nothing else, explain to her that you have accepted responsibility to care the best you can for the lives of others. That includes her, that includes
the kids – and that includes the animals.

[skysblue]

Reminds me of this:

http://cdn0.littlethings.com/app/uploads/2015/06/dog2.jpg

[drwil]

Wow, there have been a lot of responses. Thank you everyone.

Obviously nobody would be on this website if they did not have a great love of animals. It is only natural as our pets are actually genetic relatives (we share 85% of our DNA with a mouse). So Betsy “It’s just and animal” could also be “It’s just a relative”. There are many people who do not know this or understand that strong bonds can develop between different species. There are many Youtube videos on this.

The one detail I left out (we never put anything on social media about this) is recently we had a baby. During pregnancy and after was when the situation started to change.

That being said, human behavior is more similar to that of other animals than many like to admit. Oxytocin released to make parent animals bond with young is called the love hormone but it is a double edged sword. Don’t remember where I read this but it causes love to develop with offspring; however it can also cause dislike or intolerance of other people or animals. In our case the change between liking the pets and wanting them gone coincided almost immediately with birth of our child. (Could have been during pregnancy but expressed as much).

So I am thinking of just waiting this out until everything settles back down to normal. When the baby starts crawling I am hoping she will be interested in the pets–and the pets are great for developing a kid’s empathy. Can’t wait until she is old enough to take her to the zoo.

Does any of this make sense?

[vanessa]

That makes sense. I guess this point is about whether our behavior is brought about by human choices, or by nature. The nurture vs nature debate. People said to me that my ex had certain biological factors that made him behave the way he did. I understand the impact of biological causes. But I also believe in human choice. Some people have the emotional IQ to be able to realize that, and choose to be conscious of their behavior and choices. Some people don’t. The conscious choice here would be – “I don’t like my partner’s animals, but I respect my partner’s choice”. I might take that approach with her. She doesn’t have to like the animals, if that is what her biological stimuli are causing, but her emotional response should still be one of respect for your choices. My boyfriend has a hobby that I have zero interest in. But I don’t ask him to give it up. People and situations are complex. We need to look after ourselves and our family units. We need to make choices about who we want to be with, and we also need to make choices about how to handle difficult situations. Human emotions are fragile. Once we break the emotions of our partner, we can’t put that trust back together so easily.
Have you asked her why? Has she given you a reason?

[drwil]

No reason other than she has never had animals in her life and thinks I am wasting time dealing with them. Then again, I think watching television for hours is a waste of time but do not tell others not to do it.

I have never seen her pet any animal except the rabbit she now wants gone.

Our oldest kid would never forgive her mother if we were made to give up her pet–she loves rabbits and is always drawing pictures of them and other animals. So you see it is not just me involved, the kid would be devastated.

[Teabreaklp]

I wouldn’t get rid of the pets. It’s just a little selfish and unreasonable of her. Your pets aren’t causing any problems and they’re not even inside the house, right? So why? It makes no sense. Pets are like my own children to me and asking to get rid of them is exactly like asking to give away your baby. You and your daughter outnumber your significant other on the pet thing anyway. Maybe ask her to try bonding with the pets so she’ll grow to like them and think of them as her own family/children as well?

[meridiian]

Hello.

You wrote:

“Do any of you think this might be some sort of psychological power play? If so it seems like a pretty vicious one and I have this suspicion that if I give in the demands will only increase. It is if she identified one of the things most important to me and went after it. Strange also there was one rabbit she really loved and petted a lot until recently, now suddenly she wants it gone.”

I think you already know the answer and I feel for you and your beloved animals.

Others have advised counselling and I have to agree.

There is something else behind all this. You must protect your beloved animals. They trust you to look after them and they must not suffer because of something they have to part in and didn’t create.

I wish (all) of you the best!

xx

[Q8bunny]

I would categorally say “NO WAY!” Consequences be damned.

There simply doesn’t seem to be any rational reason for such a demand.

Like some of the others, I too would suggest counselling, since this is obviously an ultimatum that stems from a wholly pet-unrelated underlying issue. You mentioned a new baby – could your partner be suffering from postpartum depression?

[Vienna Blue in France]

Posted By skysblue on 7/22/2016 11:11 AM

Reminds me of this:

http://cdn0.littlethings.com/app/uploads/2015/06/dog2.jpg

Brilliant !!! Clever (started getting me worried) –  Made me laugh out loud !!

Ah, a new baby! Hormones and a change of family energy – yes that changes everything… well sort of  (certainly not in the decision to get ‘rid’ of the animals. which is my opinion would be a grave error – and certainly the beginning of the end to your relationship).

So, I believe there’s always 2 sides to a story – sorry to ask this, (and to us you sound a nice animal loving chap who is at present sharing his life with a nasty power driven psycho female (   and we are feeling sorry for you), are you sure you are making everything possible in your new family set-up to make the partner and mother happy? Sharing duties? All duties, Not waiting to be asked to clean, tidy, make beds, wash plates, take the bins out, do the laundry, tidy bedrooms, bathrooms, play area etc. Having a new baby can be hard, tiring and draining and very straining on a partnership. 

I only ask this because sometimes partnerships are not always equal – I know a friend of mine with 3 young kids has a husband who thinks he does “enough” (he plays with kids and bathes them and may feed them if shes not around, but washing up and tidying have gone out of the window) and actually, imho, does not do half of what he should. My friend knows this and tries to ignore it and has given up asking nicely (“nagging”) but I’m sure one day it will come to boiling point and explode (“without any warning he will say”).

Could you possibly be spending more time with the animals (“to keep out of her pregnant-hormone-driven-nagging way”) and she actually sees this as a time waster and a threat to your relationship. She may not be aware that she has changed.

I’m just saying. There are always 2 sides to every story.

So ask her what is wrong? What you can do to help? (if the answer is as ‘simple’ as hoovering or tidying up, don’t just do it once or wait to be asked, Make a conscience effort, each time, regularly).

And more importantly mention to her (when all is calm and you’re both on a good terms) that you are concerned things aren’t as they used to be (she may not be aware that that you have noticed that things have changed!) and you want to try to make things better.

Calm communication is so, so important. (No point in trying to selfcounsel in the middle of a shouting match)

Listening is just as important.

And “actions” on what you have discussed are even more important ! “Actions speak louder than words”

Moving forward together is a necessity to remain bonded.

It’s (sort of) like bonding bunnies  – if something makes a couple become unbonded, it needs to go back to square one with the bonding process. Each step will be completed much quicker than the first time, but each step needs to be relearned. 

If all I have said above is false and you are the perfect house husband and can’t do enough to help his partner and rally around both kids AND the animals, I apologise. (you’ll be scooped up on BB in no time by a woman searching for exactly that!! )

She may feel completely out of her depth with the new baby and need reassurance, love and patience.

But getting rid of the animals will NOT be the miracle solution, for either of you!  

(it makes me think of couples who say “let’s have a baby” to make their failing relationship better!   yeah, that’ll work ! )

[Roberta]

Simple tesponse to partners demand. No, I love you but I love them too, so No. Do not be dire or angst ridden, just say NO and smile affectionayely.

[drwil]

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I have decided like most of you said not to give up my animals. If I give in there will only be more demands in the future and the pets probably will be euthanized.

And to answer your questions Vienna Blue I do a significant amount of work around the house in addition to working 10 hour days at the factory. The animals take only a small amount of the total time. And we have outside help with the baby.

Q8bunny this does is not just pet related you are right. It goes beyond domestic animals…she does not like the raccoons, opossums, wildcats, foxes, mice, toads and squirrels in the area. Or the trees for that matter (sounds made up but I am not kidding).

These are all parts of nature which I am powerless to change. So there is no point trying.

Again thanks everybody.

[flemishwhite]

Asking strangers here on the forum to help with marital/significant other problems is can be helpful, but not the best.  The problem is that the person (you) posing the problem with their partner can skew the reality of the situation so that responders will just favor your side of the story.  My apologies if for whatever reason, your relationship is, as you say, the innocent side of your relationship.

OK…That being said, let’s take your  problem at face value, it’s easy to say, that unless you and your partner have some intertwined financial situations, your partner should be invited to take a walk. There’s a lot of fish in the ocean. Even if you feel that the demand for your time with your pets is unreasonable, and you give in, human nature tells us another unreasonable demand will soon follow.

 

[drwil]

Flemishwhite thanks for the advice. Really I just wanted people’s opinion on this pet related matter. The question was about being pressured to give up pets and consequences for the animals.

There will undoubtedly be people who have this same problem in the future and will see the replies. There was lots of helpful advice another person in my situation could use.

I would like to wrap this up by thanking everyone not for taking my side, that was not the point, but looking at it from the perspective of the animals that rely on my care. They were the ones to worry about not me.

Thnx everyone.

[Vienna Blue in France]

Thanks drwil for being so open and good luck with this

[Bam]

I too wish you so much good luck with this, drwil. And I agree sometimes the opinions of people completely un-involved with the situation can be helpful. It is a useful thread for other members, now and in the future.

You are always very helpful to others here, and we are glad to have you as our member. In my heart I feel it’s too much for your partner to ask of you, to give up the pets that have been a part of the family for a long time and that you clearly love and value. I do think it’d be tough for you to forgive your partner and ultimately yourself if you gave them up to euthanasia.

I know people who absolutely fear everything about nature. They don’t see beauty, they see ants, spiders, wasps, vipers lurking in the greenery. Rabid foxes and disease-carrying mosquitos and ticks.

[Vienna Blue in France]

The only thing beautiful about mosquitos are the flying sparks when I am zapping them on my electric racket mozzie swiper !!

[silverbinky16]

In my opinion, I would choose my pets over my partner. But if this is really bothering you, you should tell her partner about it. Because I don’t think that it’s ok to give up all of your pets at once plus they’ve been in your life for such a long time it’s really not fair for them. This is why I remind my partner that my bunny and hamster will always be more important than him because to your pet, you are their home and family. You should put yourself in your pet’s shoes and how they’d feel. In conclusion, the decision is yours. I respect it and valued it <3

Good luck

[Sinpow]

If it was me the partner would be out out on there ass. I dont understand how someone that close to you would even be able to consider that a possible request to make to you. I presume you have had some of those pets longer than your relationship so it not like this was a big secret you hid, your partner knew what they were getting into. If any of my partners ever ask that of me i would take it as a sign they don’t know me very well. Or they dont care or respect the stuff in life that brings me joy. Id be moved on to a different more animal friendly partner. But thats just what i would do cause that would be a massive deal breaker for me. I come in a package deal, its me and my pets or nothing.

[BB Administrator]

I am going to lock this thread now out of respect for drwil’s last post about this – “I would like to wrap this up by thanking everyone not for taking my side, that was not the point, but looking at it from the perspective of the animals that rely on my care. They were the ones to worry about not me. Thnx everyone”

drwil – if you are fine with the conversation continuing, just contact me and I will reopen, otherwise I am wrapping it up by locking it.

Thanks everyone for your care, sharing your thoughts and advice to help another member in this way.

Helloworld!!

[Author]

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