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Forum RAINBOW BRIDGE Speckles went over the rainbow bridge last night

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    • hiskatey93
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      272 posts Send Private Message

        I’m a wreck, a complete and utter wreck.

        Last night Speckles passed away. Because of me. I tripped, and she went under foot. I couldn’t dodge her, and she wasn’t quick enough. I broke her back. She was still alive, but in so much pain. There was nothing I could do, no way to get to the vet, so I called the vet in a panic at home. She told me at this point, since none of her limbs were moving, that putting her down was the best option. 

        So I helped ease her into peace, so she wouldn’t suffer or be in pain. She was whimpering and making small screams. It broke me.. It’ll haunt me for the rest of my life that this happened. I’m a complete and utter wreck. She has been buried behind our apartment, near a little tree stump. I’ll never forgive myself for this.

        I’m emotionally ruined because of how I hurt her, because I was a moron who couldn’t catch myself, who couldn’t keep her balance. It’s all my fault. All my fault. I’m scared to have Neffie and Chom near me, terrified it’ll happen again. I’m convinced I’m a horrible pet owner for having to do that, for hurting her the way I did. Guilt is tearing me apart. I miss our baby girl, miss her little nose wiggle, her cute binks all over. How she sat on our coffee table bottom, as though it were her throne.

        I’m… I’m torn up emotionally. I don’t know how to even begin to cope, how to heal. I can’t stop blaming myself. My boyfriend keeps telling me it was an accident, that he forgives me, that I shouldn’t hate myself, but how can I not? It’s my fault, all my fault. We haven’t told anyone. When people ask, we lie and say we found her, that we don’t know. Because how, how can I admit I killed her? I won’t let the other two near me. I can’t. I’m terrified I’ll hurt them too. I just want to go back in time and reverse, and fix this, to catch myself, and have her be here, with us. It’s my fault, all my fault. I just want her home, alive and well again. I want her here, pestering me. I want to not hate myself, and be torn apart by guilt, but I don’t think that’ll ever happen. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself.


      • Gina.Jenny
        Participant
        2244 posts Send Private Message

          I know right now it feels like it is all your fault, but it really wasn’t, it was a total and complete accident. I’m so sorry this happened, and that you lost poor little Speckles in such a heartbreaking way. I wish that you could turn back time too. Please don’t see this as making you in anyway bad, I doubt there’s one of us on here hasn’t tripped over a bunny and panicked that we’d hurt them. It really wasn’t your fault.


        • Vienna Blue in France
          Participant
          5317 posts Send Private Message

            Oh my goodness – what to say. Of course accidents happen and its only luck that nothing like this happens more.
            Of course Gina is right. It happens all the time – to rabbits to cats to little dogs and even to children.
            It will get better in time – it will, I promise, but for now you just have to get through this, by giving your other fur children the love that you know you can give them.
            Hiskatey, this WILL NOT happen again to you.
            Don’t keep your distance from them, they don’t understand – give them a cuddle. If you are worried then get down on all fours (thats what I do anyway!!) and let them come to you and climb over you.

            YOU need THEM now to get through this together. It sounds as your boyfriend can help you through this as well.
            Keep writing here too, it’s good therapy. And we’re good listeners.


          • hiskatey93
            Participant
            272 posts Send Private Message

              Thank you Vienna and Gina. I’m just incredibly lost right now. I’m hurting really badly. Neffie doesn’t really notice, but we hand’t yet gotten to bond them. Chom is sad, but having Neffie around has eased his sadness. It’s really us humans who are suffering right now.

              I’m just… I’m struggling with the idea of it not being my fault. I blame myself. I should have watched where I was going. I should have rushed her to the emergency vet, to try and get treatment. I should have done something, but instead I let her die. I never heard a bunny scream before, and to hear the sounds she made last night…. Those sounds will haunt me for a long time coming.

              She was entirely my boyfriend’s bunny. Chom was mine, Speckles was his, and I ended that, because I’m clumsy and wasn’t watching where I was going.

              Tomorrow I’m going to a tattoo artist, and am going to have him put a memorial tattoo of her on my leg. It’s kind of my own need, for myself, and to honor her. I just keep looking out the window at her small grave, and cry. And I can’t seem to stop. After a while, I’ll start to feel fine, somewhat normal, before the guilt and hurt comes crashing back, making me a wreck again.


            • jerseygirl
              Moderator
              22338 posts Send Private Message

                I’m so so sorry hiskatey. I can understand how painful this is for you. I just hope in time the feeling of guilt eases. It is totally normal to be feeling that but try try try be kinder to yourself. This could happen to any one of us.

                Don’t keep your distance from them, they don’t understand – give them a cuddle. If you are worried then get down on all fours (thats what I do anyway!!) and let them come to you and climb over you.

                YOU need THEM now to get through this together. It sounds as your boyfriend can help you through this as well.
                Keep writing here too, it’s good therapy. And we’re good listeners.

                I completely agree with Vienna Blue. Be close to your babies.

                Again, I’m sorry for you and your bf’s loss.
                ***Binky Free Speckles***


              • jerseygirl
                Moderator
                22338 posts Send Private Message

                  I also wanted to add that it would be a good idea to seek some therapy. It may give you some tools on how to cope. I’m not certain how long you’ve been dealing with this.

                  Please share pictures of Speckles and talk about what type of character she was. Try focus on those things rather then that day. Remember the life you provided for her and provide for Neffie and Chom.


                • Bam
                  Moderator
                  16836 posts Send Private Message

                    I’m so sorry, hiskatey. This was an accident. It just was, and that’s the whole truth and you did the only thing you could’ve done to help her.

                    Please try to be kind to yourself and let your other buns help you heal.

                    Binky free, Speckles. Your mommy loves you, she always did.


                  • MoxieMeadows
                    Participant
                    5375 posts Send Private Message

                      Oh I am so terribly sorry. Sending my thoughts, hugs and prayers to you and your boyfriend and fur babies during this difficult time.

                      I completely agree with the others-It was a freak accident. It could happen to any one of us. There have been multiple times when I’ve nearly stepped on my dog or Moxie, or have kicked them on accident. Or sat on them. Luckily nothing really bad has come of it. But it can happen to anyone.
                      Again I just want to let you know how sorry I am.

                      {{{{{Binky Free Speckles}}}}}


                    • hiskatey93
                      Participant
                      272 posts Send Private Message

                        Thank you guys for the support. I am still in an incredibly bad place right now, and probably will be for a long time. In a bit I’m going and speaking with a tattoo artist. I want him to draw up a rainbow, and have it say Binky over the rainbow bridge Speckles, and her birthday and death date beneath it. I want it there, to always serve as a reminder. Also I’m using it as a coping method. I don’t want to fall back self harming myself. The tattoo will help ease the pain, and do it, while making a pretty piece of art.

                        Also we saved her fur, shaved a small spot on her bum before she passed. We got those bottle necklaces, and put her fur in them, to always have her near our hearts.

                        She was incredibly special to us, and it just hurts so much that she is gone.

                        I’m trying to not hate myself, and I’m struggling with it. I can’t seem to stop blaming myself for it happening. It’s going to be a long time and require a lot of healing before I can finally come to terms with this and not blame or hate myself.


                      • Vienna Blue in France
                        Participant
                        5317 posts Send Private Message

                          She would absolutely want you to live on, to enjoy life as you know you can and to appreciate what you had together.
                          You cannot change what happened (an accident!!) but you can decide how you live through it.
                          Everybody copes differently, so go get that tattoo and please don’t self harm. Tattoos are a much safer way of pain therapy !!

                          “Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows”


                        • Dee
                          Participant
                          704 posts Send Private Message

                            I’m so very sorry- what an awful thing to happen. But that’s the thing- it HAPPENED, you didn’t DO it.

                            I have had friends, incredible, loving pet parents, that have been through similar things. Their furbabies were a hamster and either a rat or guinea pig believe- but one of my friends tripped over her little one and the other accidentally opened the door completely, not realizing her hammy was behind it. Both of them went through what you did- blaming themselves, absolutely devastated, almost afraid to be around their other pets… but they both got past it, came to see that it was not their fault, just a horrible accident, and continued to be wonderful pet parents. I have also blamed myself for a pet’s death but in a different way- I missed suble signs of an illness, blaming it on old age (hamster who stopped eating really hard food). I left on vacation for a few days, my son was watching him, and turned out he must’ve had a bad tooth that turned into a jaw infection. By the time I got home he was terribly ill. Tried everything, went to a specialist, but lost him in the end.

                            We are not perfect, no matter how hard we try, things will happen. Again, I’m so sorry that this happened… Be kind to yourself!


                          • cinnybun2015
                            Participant
                            570 posts Send Private Message

                              I’m so sorry, hiskatey93. I know what crushing guilt feels like. Like Dee said- do NOT blame yourself. Even if you think it was your fault, it was not. It was a tragic accident. You were a wonderful owner and you are not to be blamed. The tattoo sounds like a beautiful idea, to memorialize your angel bunny and carry her with you. Please take care of yourself right now. Making sure that you are okay is what matters most importantly right now.

                              (((Binky free, Speckles))))

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                          Forum RAINBOW BRIDGE Speckles went over the rainbow bridge last night